The "Not" Keith Rant for RWW Instinct Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for RWW’s “Instinct”

Xenomorph dug into his seemingly-endless collection of PPV tapes recently, searching for federations that have yet to appear on The Schmucks. The first to fit the criteria comes from Rampage World Wrestling. (Giant building-bashing lizards and apes not included, sadly…) The PPV comes from June of 2002 and is named “Instinct”… Not, as Xenomorph insisted in calling it, N*stynct…

-We are LIVE from Chicago, with Mike Tenay and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan as our announcers. I guess J.R and The King were booked solid that night… Lillian Garcia is the ring announcer, though, so the WWE does have some representation at least…

-Stupac(!) arrives to drop names and talk some trash at the expense of RWW Champ, Bombtrack(!! Man, the Gimmick-Assigners were tossing out names at random in RWW, huh?) Bombtrack apparently “crossed the line” by punking out Eminem… I’m not sure how that makes Bombtrack the heel, but apparently it does in RWW. Stupac finishes by (very) briefly addressing his actual opponent Enigma and we head backstage.

-Where Coachman interviews Too Tuff and K-Dogg. One of their opponents tonight is “MC Tommy Dee”, meaning this fed is WAY too stocked with rap-influenced gimmicks…

Kiddzi vs Ace Slaughter (Hardcore Title Match)

Kiddzi comez out to Limp Bizkit, zo I expect him to be a houze of fire at zome ztage.Slaughter has the much cooler Nirvana. (In my humble, though entirely correct, opinion) Slaughter hits the ring from the crowd, and uses the HARDCORE TRASHCAN for a quick one-count. Bobby and Mikes’ play-by-play commentary leaves a lot to be desired… as there ISN’T one. They literally go silent from the bell. Slaughter loads up the plunder, helpfully tossing a kendo stick at Kiddzis’ feet. Kiddzi nailz him with it when he returnz. Good plan, Ace… He goes Sosa on Slaughter and hitz a zwinging neckbreaker for 2. He mizzez a blind charge and getz lowbridged. (I think I’ll ditch the running gag, actually.. “mizzez”?) Slaughter sets up a super-contrived spot as he places a trashcan on Kiddzi, then returns to the ring and springboard legdrops himself onto it as Kiddzi moves. That sentence didn’t scan well, but there’s no other way to describe the spot… It gets 2 for Kiddzi. They brawl on the floor and tussle over a chair. They trade near-misses until we get a dropkick VanKiddzanator. He sets up a table, Slaughter ballshots him and places him on the woodwork. He goes for the “Slaughtermatic”, Kiddzi rolls away and pins Slaughter amid the table debris for the title. Way to make the ex-champ look like an un-coordinated doofus… 1/4* A quick display of jack shit, frankly…

-A video package shows the events of the “Battle Bowl” preliminary matches.

Chris Crippler & Pantera vs K-Dogg & Johhny Dangerously (Battle Bowl Semi-final)

I guess Pantera is there to counter-balance all the rap gimmicks. And wasn’t Johnny Dangerously a Micheal Keaton movie back in the 80’s? Oddly, Pantera (Who’s like, a chick) doesn’t come out to Pantera, but to Janet Jackson… ahh, those wacky Mexican wrestlers with their wacky musical tastes. She starts things off with J.D as Mike and Bobby take another smoke break. Pantera tries some wrestling, working the arm after a drop toehold. She tags out, Crippler continues to work the arm,. he runs into a clothesline on a reversed whip, Dangerously tags out. Everyone seems in a huge rush tonight… K-Dogg clotheslines Crippler into the corner and hits a low dropkick for 2. K-Dogg has a turnbuckle sandwich, no mayo, on a blind charge, Crippler crawls to attempt the hot tag. The match is less than three minutes old, so it’s barel lukewarm, though. Dangerously tag in and prevents Crippler making the corner, applying a Sharpshooter. As Crippler makes the ropes, Pantera tries to come to his aid, allowing the Heel No-Tag tag to bring K-Dogg back in. He goes to an anklelock, Crippler eventually makes it to a foot and enziguris his way out. Hot tag Pantera, JD unsportingly refuses to let her clean house. She hits a flying clothesline on both JD and K-Dogg and it’s mildly BONZO GONZO as Crippler pulls K-Dogg out to the floor. Dagerously sets up a superplex, Pantera hits the Cutting Edge on him for the pinfall. 3/4* One big sell-job topped with an abrubt finish. Neeh…

-Postmatch, Crippler punks out Pantera, as the two will meet in the final Battle Bowl match.

-We get a quick promo for Rampage World Wrestling… since this IS a RWW PPV, that’s fairly pointless. Unless they’re trying to hook people who shell out money for random Pay-Per-View events…

Laz Magick vs Billy “The Bullet” Hampton (U.S Title Match)

Mike and Bobby haven’t said a word since the previous match started… Either they’ve gone home, or the audio crapped out during the show. Magick hits a snap suplex off the lock-up and we… get a run-in? Sweet Jesus, that’s gotta be a record! Drake runs-in, chairshots Magick, then the ref, then Billy. Repeatedly. Eventually, he gets tired of hitting people, steals the belt and bails, persued by the Worlds Least Efficient Security Force. No match, although the snap suplex was pretty crisp. 1/32* for that. Nice work, RWW… other feds would at least have given Magick and Hampton a few minutes to wrestle before the screwjob…

-Post”match”, Hampton does a stretcher job and Mike and Bobby return from wherever they were.

-Backstage, Micheal Cole interviews the Thugz 4 Hire.

Thugz 4 Hire (K-Dogg & Too Tuff) vs MC Tommy Dee & Damon Gest (Tag Title Match)

K Dogg joins Pantera and Crippler on the list of double-duty pulling wrestlers tonight… Dee snapmares Dogg from the lockup and hits a powerslam. He DDTs the Dogg and sends him to enemy territory, working him over with Gest. K Dogg turns things around with a Manhatten Drop and clothesline. Dee prevents a tag, hitting a brainbuster and Electric Chair drop. Dogg blocks the “Transplant” with a backdrop. (I’m assuming these are the correct names, as Xenomporph is providing play-by-play…) K Dogg gets a pumphandle slam in before some punching is traded. (Including a little Crazy-Legs dancing stolen from another member of the Dogg family…) Clothesline and legdrop gets 2 for Dogg, Gest saves. The Thugz double-team Dee as the ref herds Gest out. Dogg hits a DVD on Dee, who basically no-sells it. This annoys Dogg, who nails a spinebuster and the Diggy Dog(! I thought Xenomorph was yanking my crank, but apparently thats the actual name of the move!) It gets 2 before Tommy Dee Morton gets a foot on the ropes. He jawjacks K Dogg and tries for the tag, finally getting it after enziguri-ing Too Tuff. Katie bars the door as Gest belly-to-bellies Tuff all over the ring, then clotheslines Dogg a few times as well. He applies the Boston Crab, K Dogg dropkicks him to break the hold. He stunguns Gest, allowing Tuff to hit a tiger suplex. Gest shows unity with Dee by no-selling the move, so Tuff hits a variation of the Stroke for 2. This match appears to have become a straight-out move demonstration… too bad it’s not an INTERESTING demonstration… Samoan drop, tornado DDT and legsweep from Tuff, the latter reversed into an anklelock in a clumsy spot. K Dogg dopkicks Gest from the top and it’s BONZO GONZO. The brawl goes to the floor as the ref gets bumped, the Thugz bring in chairs. Dee blocks a Con-chair-to with a VanDeeanator, then punts K Dogg out of the ring. Gest hits a bizarre chickenwing-jawbreaker and applies the “Legatosis”.(!!! What IS it with the RWW that everyone has such stupid names for their finisher?) Tuff taps out but there’s no ref so CUE THE RUN-IN! It’s done by… get this… I AM(!!!!!), who blindsides Gest. I AM hits a.. man, that does NOT sound right. Let me slip into my “I AM” costume for a second…

So, I AM stealing the Hardy Boyz moves with a Twist of Fate…
I AM hitting a 450 on Gest.
I AM waking up the ref…
I AM slightly T.O’ed that my interferance only got a 2-count.
(I AM Mode OFF)

Meanwhile, K Dogg tries to fataly injure Dee by powerbombing him off the stage onto an unprotected arena floor. Too Tuff delivers the stunningly-original Too Tuff Drop on Gest, Gest gets a foot on the ropes, I AM shoves it off at 2 and it’s over. The Thugz get the titles, I get a headache from that overbooked finish and the boring, boring match. 3/4*

-Backstage, Scott Hellings and Dee trade catchphrases.

Chris Crippler vs Pantera (Battle Bowl Final)

Pantera ducks a clothesline from the bell and hits a nice dropkick for 1. She hits a bodyblock, but drops her head and gets booted in the face. Elbowdrop gets 2 for Commisioner Chris. Pantera shoves her way out of the Crippler DDT and dropkicks him again. Top-rope legdrop gets 2. We’re now getting snatches of the play-by-play, but I can’t tell who it is as the audio is so bad… Pantera contiues to use more kicks thatn a season of “Buffy”, until Crippler legsweeps her. The ghostly commentary suddenly gets off the line of the night as Crippler applies the little-known “half-Boston crap” submission hold. Despite the hold being crap., she sells pretty well, finally reaching the ropes. The moment she regains her feet, the selling vanishes, allowing her to vary her offense with some kicks. She hits the Cutting Edge, THEN decides to re-sell the ankle injury. Look, it either hurts or it doesn’t! Pick one! She picks “Not Sore” as she hits a spinning kick. Man, we’re pushing the offense envelope here, people! She attempts her first non-kick related move with a shoulderblock, running directly into the Crippler DDT. Crippler pins for the win and a shot at the RWW title. Like I didn’t foresee THAT once I learned he was the RWW Commisioner… 1/2* To quote the Commish’s entrance music… “Whatever”.

-Postmatch, Crippler refuses a handshake and DDTs Pantera again. Donte Rocker makes the save. Again, WHATever…

Scott Hellings vs Bombtrack (RWW Undisputed Title Streetfight)

Hellings and Bombtrack are both Canadian, so with any luck this match should snap me out of the semi-coma I slipped into during the tag-title affair. I’m such an optomist, eh? Bombtrack gets things off to an enthralling start by clotheslining Hellings and dancing the Funky Chicken on his back. Hellings ballshots him and a’brawling we will go. They’re in the crowd thirty seconds later and on the balcony ninty seconds after that. No more caffine for the booking commitee! On the plus side, the audio is improving, as I can finally distinguish between Tenay and Heenan by now… We get a Celebrity Run-in as Angelina Jolie arrives to set up a table for Bombtrack. Way to blow your entire PPV earnings in one shot, RWW! (Because if this boring spectacle garnered more than a 0.1 buyrate, I’m Osama Bin Laden…) Anyway, Hellings backdrops Bombtrack off the balcony, through the table and gets a 2-count. Joy, they’re going to try and top the spot. Back to the ring we quickly go, Hellings proves to have taken lessons from Ace Slaughter, tossing a chair into the ring which lands directly at Bombtracks feet. Bombtrack beats him senseless with it, (Bitter Irony or just Darwinian Natural Selection at work?) then wastes some time making himself a barbed-wire baseball bat. He should have used the “Food Network” approach… “And here’s one we prepared earlier!”. He charges blind, Hellings drop toeholds him onto the POINTY ASH-HANDLE OF DEATH! Hellings uses a camel clutch, then works the leg of Bombtrack. Bombtrack posts him as Jolie demeans herself further by becoming the Barbed-Wire-Wraped-Table Porter. Top-rope suplerplex puts Hellings through them. I’m hoping that signals an end to this shit, but instead Bombtrack recovers and puts himself through the Spanish table trying to splash Hellings from the top. It gets 2. God-f’n-dammit! Hellings tries the “Chokeslam to HELLings” (*resigned sigh*) Bombtrack hits a TKO for 2. He bull-rushes Hellings through a table (w/barbed-wire, natch…) for 2 before Hellings gets a foot on the ropes. Hey, I know last time _I_ was involved in a brutal Streetfight in downtown Toronto, I was able to save myself a beating by placing my foot on a convienient rope, so it’s not THAT far-fetched! What IS far-fetched is the WORLDS MOST CONTRIVED SPOT as Jolie backs a flatbed truck(!!!) down the aisle, with six(!!!) tables set up in stacks two-high, the top layer set on fire.(!!!!!!) Hellings is left lying on the lower layer.(!!) And to top it he rolls out as Bombtrack splashes himself through them. The final indignity… Jolie has to put out the fire herself. This is just reaching hot pokers level… Hellings brings out the thumbtacks and hits the Chokeslam onto them for 2. Double KO spot of clotheslines just adds to the ludicrous stupidity of this monstrosity… (Go through a flaming table with little effect, then over-sell a clothesline? WHATEVER!) Hellings goes out to the floor for an International Object.. Quick poll… is it;

a)A Toaster Oven?
b)An Iron Bar?
c)The SAME FUCKING SLEDGEHAMMER WE’VE ALL SEEN 23,176 TIMES BEFORE?

For the record, I called “Sledgehammer Alert!” a full ten seconds before Hellings found it. Ask Xenomorph, he’ll confirm it! Too make it worse, the Sledge IS the finish, with Bombtrack KO’ing himself by running headlong into it. Hey, ANOTHER ex-RWW champ who’s made to look like a dork by bad booking! -***** and as many hot pokers as I can rustle up at this hour in case you needed to ask…

-Post-idiocy, Stupac runs-in to complete Bombtracks burial by stomping the life out him. Sadly, the PPV isn’t over yet, so let’s continue, if we must.

Pantera vs “The Sultan of Swing” Donte Rocker

Man, is Pantera having a busy night or WHAT? RWW fans obviously love matches with a butt-load of kicks, huh? For extra fun, let’s drink every time someone uses a kick in this match… Rocker goes to a headlock from the lock-up, Pantera shoves him off and hits a dropkick. (CHUG!) Legdrop gets 2. Panteras’ magically-healing ankle is showing no ill-effects from the earlier match, by the way… no, I wasn’t surprised, either. Pantera hits a series of kicks (DRINKDRINKDRINK!) and a hook kick. (IMBIBE!) Moonsault gets 2. Donte powerbombs her after an aborted hurricanrana attempt for 2. He stomps away, she fires back with some kicks. (Which Rocker blocks, so we’ll just SIP for those…) Donte hits a spinning heel kick (DRINK!) and hits a standing moonsault for 1. He ducks a clothesline and kicks(DRINK!) her in the knee, forgetting that you CAN’T GET PANTERA TO SELL! He hits a DDT and frog splash for 2, then gets backdropped trying the Smash Hit. She works the knee before a mild slugfest occurs. Rocker takes Pantera to the top, she fights off a superplex, then takes a scary back-first bump to the floor. Rocker waits for her to return, meaning the bump was probably unplanned. She instantly DDTs Donte once she returns for 2. Yep, that was NOT scripted, because their timing is totally screwed right now. Donte gets off a spinning kick(DON’T DRINK!) whcih Pantera ducks, she nails a kick.(Okay, now you can drink…) She drops her head and takes the Smash Hit to give Rocker the win. The finish just came out of nowhere, so I’m guessing the ref sent it home early after the nasty fall. Not that we would have missed much. Unless you like kicking… *1/4

-Backstage, Michael Cole interviews The Enigma. It’s the most entertaining few minutes of the night so far…

The Enigma vs Stupac (Hell in a Cell)

The stipluation for this one… if Stupac loses, he retires. The Enigma makes his entrance on top of the cage, but climbs down as Stupac arrives. Wuss. Stall Factor 5 from the bell until Stupac makes with the punching. He gets 1 off a kick. (Good Lord, it’s contagious!) He goes for the Fear Factor, Enigma powers out and dumps him. He gets in some stomps and a little PARTS UNKNOWN VIOLENCE, getting 2 off a greco-Roman Elbow Upside The Head. Stupac uses his RWW Legend Cage Immunity card, shrugging off some head-first trips into the steel to hit an axe-handle. He uses some of the dullest offense outside of a Brian Adams/Brian Clarke “Kronik Explodes!” match until getting lowblowed. Serves him right for boring me. Enigma rams him through the cage door, shattering the “steel” chain securing it. Yep, right… I buy that! Not. Especially since Enigma manages to sell walking through a door better than Stupac sells ramming steel with his head. Stupac climbs the cage, at whcih point mone of the commentators (probably Heenan) either goes mental or tries for some sarcastic parody. (I quote… “That is 50-some feet in the air, folks!” Which makes Stupac approximately 30 feet tall…) Enigma follows him and we get the Cage-Top Brawl they teased at the start of the match. They should have started from there and saved us five minutes of tedium… Some fan proves to have a major league arm, beaning Enigma in the head with a soda. (After all, that throw was SEVETY-FIVE FEET in the RWW Dumbass Scale…) Kickpunchkick on the top, Stupac brainbusts Enigma on the roof, Enigma DDTs him in return. Belly-to-belly suplex sends both men off the top and through the announce table. Stupac eventually drags Enigma back into the ring and hits the Fear Factor. It gets 2. I hate this fed. More punching, more no-selling, Stupac gets a cross-body for 2. Enigma hits the Contradiction Effect(?? The Big List O’ Stupid Finisher Names gets a new entry!) for 2. Stupac ballshots Enigma and brings in the plunder, taking a Vanigmanator for 2. Enigma gives the ref the Contradiction Effect, stringing this match out even further. A backbody drop through a table from Stupac gets 2 from the Run-In ref, Enigma finally ends things with a Contradiction Effect onto a chair to end Stupacs RWW career. If I was Stupac, I’d send him a “Thank You” card for getting me out of RWW. 1/4* Boring as watching the non-moster-fighting scenes of an un-dubbed Godzilla movie.

-Postmatch, Stupac gives Enigma the Fear Factor, Hellings arrives to farewell Stupac and we’re finally out of here! FREEEEEE-DOM!

The Bottom Line: The next time Xenomorph invites me around to watch tapes he’s purchased off E-Bay, remind me to make an excuse… If I want rampant stupidity coupled with endless kicking, I’ll hire “Street Fighter: The Movie”… at least that’s got Kylie Minogue in lycra in it…

Strong recommendation to avoid.

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