Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for Wrestlemania League 2’s “EVIL INTENTIONS”
Well, I was looking forward to a quiet few days alone with my DVD player and a few cases of Moosehead this week. However, when my rabid friend Xenomorph arrived with an armload of PPV tapes, I knew a Schmucks reporters work took precident over watching “Superman” for the fourth time. First up, last months “Evil Intentions” card put on by the Wrestlemania League II.
We are live from 3Com Park in San Francisco. Your hosts are Shane and Ian King. They set the scene, and as I am unfamiliar with the WML2, the name “Scott Nash” jumps out at me. Oh, Lord, an alcoholic who won’t sell? That should be fun…
Opening Bout: Torrie (Not Wilson) Knight vs (Not Alundra) Blaze
This is Blazes’ debut in the WML2, apparently. Not much respect shown by Torrie, who spears her right off the get-go. A few kicks sends Blaze to the outside. Torrie steps up the pace with a breath-taking tope suicida. A brief brawl before Torrie sends Blaze back to the ring. Missile drop-kick attempt is blown, almost breaking Torries ankle in the process. (Flashback to Sid for most WCW fans). A cover gets 2 for Blaze. Dropkick gets 2. Torrie clotheslines Blaze, but only gets 1. Powerslam from Torrie. Blaze regains control with a strange-looking kick from the mat. A swinging neckbreaker is executed a little better, before Blaze takes Torrie to the top. DDT from the top finishes for the rookie, making Blaze the #1 contender for the womens title.
***Better-than-average womens match and a good choice for an opener.
Backstage: The WML2’s owner, Dustin (NOO! The Untalented spawn of the Evil, Fat Booker.. oh, wait, it’s not THAT Dustin.) and “Triple B” (Glad to see originality is running wild tonight) arrive in a limo.
TLC Match: Armdevil vs Youngblood
Youngblood is the face here, as evidenced by his pre-match Dance Fever bit. He’s giving up a little over 100 pounds to Armdevil. Jumping a distracted Armdevil (beaned by a water bottle by a fan… nice work, security) is a smart move. However, simply throwing a ladder at him was a very risky, uncontrolled move. Youngblood hits Chairshot #1 before Armdevil can rise. Completing the acronym, he rushes to set up a table. The fans are baying for a table shot of course, and Youngblood doesn’t disappoint, powerbombing Armdevil through the woodwork less than 2 minutes into the match. Multiple chairshots follow, before Youngblood sets up the BIG ladder and climbs 20 feet in the air. This cues a run-in by Steve Smith, apparently a former WML President. He pushes the ladder over, and YB takes a big bump to the floor. Smith assaults Youngblod, then drapes him over Armdevil and leaves. No contest, I suppose, although in an “Anything Goes” TLC match, you have to wonder why the match didn’t continue. No descision announced, anyway.
*1/2 Too quick, and overbooked to boot. Nice fall from Youngblood, though.
Tag Team Title Match: Mark Richman and Wolverine vs. A Mystery Team
The Mystery team turns out to be 2Extreme. (Matt and Jeff Extreme… the 1st sign of a weak fed: Slightly obvious clones of more popular wrestlers) Matt hits a side-russian legsweep and Wolverine is YOUR Heel-In-Peril. Some double-teaming by the faces before Jeff tags in legally. Figure four goes nowhere, before an ugly-looking move where both men try to bulldog each other. What was that? Jeff tags Matt, who tries to prevent the hot tag to no avail. Richardson and Matt lock up and a fishermans suplex into a DDT gets 2 for Richardson. Nice combination. Spear out of nowhere gets 2 for Matt. Blind tag brings Wolverine back in for more punishment and double-teaming by the Hardly Familiar Boys. Pumphandle slam, followed by the Twist of Fate by Jeff. Tag to Matt, who nails the Yodelling Legdrop and covers for 3 and the titles while Richardson simply stands on the apron and looks on.
**1/2 Average Monday Night squash that didn’t seem to sit well in a big PPV.
30 man Hardcore Battle Royal
The Thriller is the champion at the start of the match. Ian King states “As you know this is a thirty minute hardcore title battle royal so this match will last for thirty minutes”. Uh, yeah, that’s some succinct anaylsis there, buddy. Everyone dogpiles Thriller right off the bat, before pairing off. D. Jay Dudley tosses Thriller to the outside and dumps him on the railing. Brawling ensues, before a powerbomb gets a three-count. DJ is the new champion in double-quick time. Thriller and Archangel have both bladed already. DJ, Mac and Riot take the fight into the crowd. The usual brawl/hit someone with garbage/rest sequence begins… actually more resting than anything else. Who gave these guys 30 minutes to fill? 15 should have sufficed. They return to the ring and Riot takes a top-rope powerbomb through a table. Archangel and Thriller haven’t moved in ten minutes, and are probably legally dead. Mac chairshots DJ a few times, so he blades for laughs. A laughable sequence sees DJ using a chair on Mac from the floor to prevent Mac pinning him. Yeah, that didn’t look awkward, guys. They stand around as the time runs down. More brawling before D Jay hits his D. Jay Drop. With one minute left, Mark-X runs-in and takes out D. Jay, allowing Mac to cover for the pin and the Title as the clock runs out.
No Rating, as I don’t rate Battle Royals. Besides, too much standing around to garner a rating. Thriller had to love the booking. (“You’re the champ, so we’ll have you lose the title in 5 flat, then you can lie on the floor for 25 minutes selling a powerbomb.” “Uh, what?”)
President Dustin wastes valuble PPV time with an in-ring announcement. He states that the WML2 and ICW2K organisations will be having a joint event, that Steve Smith is now a contracted WML wrestler, and that 3 new signings have been made. After Shane and Kings “Greatest news in the history of wrestling” shills, I confess to being vaugely disappointed.
Womens title match. Faith Landri vs Little Buff
LB controls things early with a powerslam, followed by a top-rope clothesline. It gets 2. A nice reversal from a firemans carry to a suplex and Faith is in control. Boston Crab eats up some time, before LB reaches the ropes. Faith tries a clothesline but Buff just kinda pushes her away. (It looked worse on the replay, I can tell you…) Buff misses a splash, and a quick cover gets two before a foot on the ropes saves Buff’s title. Buff misses a spear. Side Russian legsweep is no-sold and a belly-to-back gets 2 for Buff. To the outside, where Faith eats first stairs, then ringpost. Back in for a cover and 2-count. There’s more action in this than the Hardcore Battle Royal, it seems. Things get a little ugly as Faith just pushes Buff onto the mat. No beil by the hair though, which is usally compulsary in womens matches. Buff powers out of an attempted Faith drop and DDT’s Faith. They go to the top and hit a slightly convoluted DDT-frankensteiner reversal, which results in the 3-count for Buff to retain.
**3/4 This was there, but Blaze/Torrie was a little more consistent.
European Title Match: Z vs The English Braveheart vs The Ikon
Z comes into this match as champ, but both he and Braveheart are heels. As a result, it’s a double-team on The Ikon to start things off. The Ikon Hulks up, and dumps Not-William-Wallace over the top. Irish whip (appropriate in a European title match, I suppose) and tilt-a-whirl slam for Z. He oversells this as The Ikon tosses The English Muffin into the steps, then into the crowd. Security does another sterling job as several of the fans are seen putting the boot in on Braveheart. Z and The Ikon lock up, cross-face from Z. The Ikon escapes instantly. Z whips him to the ropes, but The Ikon says “No offense in MY match, thank you!” and gives him the CLOTHESLINE FROM HECK! Backbreaker, and the SCISSORS KICK OF DOOM! One three-count later and Ikon is the new champion. Shane calls it “the best match of his career.” Whatever.
DUD. If anyone can see a point to that last match, mail me, huh?
Intercontinental Title match: Mark Richman vs. Johnny Chaos
The announcer declares this a ladder match, and then, for all the dimwits in the audience, goes over the rules of a ladder match. I think we’ve all seen one, right? Headlock sequence to start, before Chaos get the advantage with a swinging DDT. Chaos tries to get some reaction out of the audience, by standing on the top turnbuckle. He’s suplexed off as a result. Yeah, that wasn’t a stupid move, Johnny. The commentators talk about how Richman is trying to keep the crowd out of this match. Well, his slow, mat-based attack (in a ladder match, no less) should keep them quiet. Boredom usually does. They brawl on the outside. Chaos DDT’s Richman and climbs, but is pulled down again. Richman works the ankle, even applying an ankle lock. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in ladder match, don’t you expect the participants to, like, USE THE LADDER? They race up the ladder from both sides as the crowd holds it’s breath for the BIG BUMP! Sadly, all that happens is Richman getting kicked off the top as Chaos snags the belt for the title.
-**. Hey, my first negative rating! There’s been some great ladder matches in the last 7 years, but this my frieds, wasn’t one of them.
While the Cage of Doom is being constructed, the announcers burble on about what a great PPV this is. I resverve the right to rebutt.
6-Way Hell In a Cell World Title Match: Damien Dark vs Chris Hayes vs Wolverine vs Exile vs Triple B vs. Mark X (Champion)
Count the rip-offs folks. Damien Doom seems to be doing a 1994-era Undertaker, (And gets ZERO crowd reaction, I might add.) Triple B uses “Rollin'”, and Mark X rips off HHH’s water bottle entrance. Also, is “Break Stuff” the most over-used entrance music EVER?
Everyone pairs off from the bell. Mark X uses the Lay-Z-Boy Recliner on Damien Dark. Damien squeals like a pig. Way to keep up the scary exterior, Damien. Mark works the back with some GLASWEGIAN VIOLENCE, then delivers the X-Bomb and pins Damien. Quick night for Dark. Exile eats the steel (without blading!) and basically gets destroyed by Hayes. He works in a 360 flip off a clothesline. Backbreaker and splash and Exile is gone as well. Pat “Y2W”(eh?) Walsh arrives at ringside to commentate, probably foreshadowing a run-in. Brawalarama 2001 continues, before Hayes ballshots Wolverine and eliminates him with a spinning heel kick. Mark X and Hayes push Triple B around for a while, then a DDT by Hayes and he’s gone too. Staredown, followed by an X-Bomb. No cover, instead Mark… calls for a mic.
In a cage match.
In the main event of a PPV.
What are they thinking?
Mark proceeds to give a speech claiming responsability for kidnapping Scott Nash. Cue Scotts music. He limps out in more bandages and casts than seems possible. Mark somehow never notices him. (Despite, oh, HIS MUSIC PLAYING!!) and is instead trying to X-Bomb Triple B again. (BTW, Nash looks a lot like… Buff Bagwell?) “Y2W” (Again… eh?) enters the ring with a steel chair and lays out Nash. (Oh, the shock! Note sarcasm) Mark pins the still-selling-the-X-Bomb Hayes to retain. Y2W gets on the stick and claims responsibilty for the plan to kidnap Nash, (What is this, a confessional?) and challenges Triple B to a cage match on their next broadcast. Cut to President Dustin laughing. (He won’t be after he sees the buyrate, methinks.)
DUD. This was the main event? An overbooked, boring as hell cage match is no way to round out a PPV.
Well, for the first time ever, a PPV where the womens matches were the best things on the card. One for the history books, but not worth your time.
Strong recommendation to avoid.