Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for WTFL’s Power Hungry 2002
WTFL. As mentioned on these pages in the past, a federation with an intensly loyal fanbase. And so, I wasn’t surprised when I was flooded with… *ahem*… one e-mail asking me to review “Power Hungry 2002”. (I must be losing my popularity with the Smarks out there…) But, let’s do it anyway!
-We are LIVE from… Somewhere. (I’m guessing Washington from the Red/White/Blue theme, but I could be wrong.) Bensino and Kid Sampson are in the booth. They bring us up to speed and we’re off!
-Blade vs Rob Slater vs Johnny Spears
Spears and Blades’ entrances are so similiar are thought I had a badly-edited tape for a minute. (Just a wacky coincidence, it seems…) Slater lets them slug it out for a while, before DDTing Blade. He brawls with Spears, Blade gets revenge with a dropkick. He heads up, Spears crotches him and goes for the superplex. Slater helps out and they nail an innovative spiked superplex on Blade, who bails. Slater clotheslines Spears all round the ring. Blade drags Spears to the floor, so Slater hits a tope on both of them. They brawl on the floor, with everyone trying out the Blue Plate “Unforgiving Steel” Sandwich. Spears gives Blade the Incarnation from the apron to the floor. Back inside, Spears takes over with the Curtain Jerker Spinebuster for 2. Slater reverses a whip into an attempted DDT, Spears hooks the ropes and lets Slater flapjack himself. Simple, yet effective. Slater slips out of a running pumphandle slam and nails the Tommahawk(sic) for 2. Blade brings in the CHAIR OF IRONIC DOOM, getting bulldogged onto it by Slater. He brawls with Spears in the corner, who reverses a tornado DDT into a top-rope Incarnation. Slater bails, allowing Blade to take over on Spears with a drop toehold hotshot to the bottom rope. Restholds? Never heard of them! Blade chokes out Spears, then hits the Flash of the Blade. No cover, which probably seals Blades’ fate, seeing as he’s a heel and all… Senton splash gets 2, though. Spears hits Blade baby, one more time (Or is that Christina? I get them confused…) with a Spears Driver. Slater breaks it up at 2 from the floor. He slugs it out with Spears, who takes him topside. Slater fights back and abrubtly hits the End of the Line for the win. Man, I was just getting warmed up. ** for effort.
-E.M.P vs… Himself
You read that right. The skinny is that Early Morning Pimp is going to confront his “Inner Demons” in a singularly unique way… By wrestling them. The special guest ref is Richard Pryor. Anyone ELSE having a cold beer to prepare themselves for this one? Cheers. EMP “summons” some Special Effects which “possess” Pryor… and we have our opponent. Pryor shows some moves, snap suplexing EMP out of his shoes and channels Rhyno with the BODYSCISSORS OF AGONY! He drops an elbow, but since he WAS the ref, there’s no-one to count the pinfall. You see, kids… Evil IS intrinsically self-defeating! EMP refuses to fight his possessed friend, so Pryor gives him the AIRPLANE SPIN OF NAUSEATING DIZZYNESS and a second-rope axehandle.He oversteps the bounds of friendship by punting EMP’s nuts North for the winter, leading to a test of strength. EMP wins, hitting the Orange Goblin legdrop. Gene Wilder(!!) runs-in as Substitute Ref, EMP gets a 2-count. EMP hilariously over-sells an eye-poke and gets speared. Pryor props a chair over EMPs face and hits his version of the Van Terminator. (the gloriously-named “Van-GeneWilderIsAPussyAndICarriedHimInEverySingleMovie-Inator”) No cover, as Pryor brings out the SLEDGEHAMMER OF DEATH, leading to an in-joke that 1% of the viewing audience got, but made me spit Molsons across the room. (BTW, that guy looked nothing like me, HONEST!) Pryor substitutes the NON-STICK BAKEWARE OF DOOM instead, getting it booted back in his face by EMP. EMP chops the Evil out of Pryor with the help of some more Medium-Level CGI effects. The “match” ends with a rib of the old “Cloaked Disciples” cliche, an EVIL PLOT and a mass outbreak of Tourettes’ Syndrome among some WTFL heels. Rating? Get real… Funny as fuck, though…
-Backstage, Paco listens to boy bands, then gets a chair to the head from Flame. Justice has been done… Now if we could only do that to N’Sync themselves!
-Tha Realist vs Scott Falcon (Transatlantic Title)
Tha Realist cuts a pre-match promo explaining why Scott Falcon won’t be appearing tonight. he’s interrupted by… Scott Falcon. Falcon verbally demolishes Realist, then tries to do the same with his fists. The ref breaks it up and we get some counter-wrestling from the bell. They trade hammerlocks, Realist takes the low road with a knee to the melon. Falcon powers out of a headlock, Tha Realist ducks a clothesline and nails a neckbreaker. He locks in an armbar until Falcon makes the ropes. Falcon sidekicks him off a whip so Tha Realist bails. He returns to trade blows with Falcon, hitting a snap DDT for 2. They counter-wrestle some more, Realist tosses Falcon, Falcon catches the rope and sneaks back in, rolling up Tha Realist for 2. Another takedown and armbar from Falcon is countered when Tha Realist uses the knee and hits a legdrop. Falcon jawjacks him and hits a legdrop. We continue with the amateur wrestling until Falcon breaks out of a headlock, only to run into the Main Event Spinebuster! (And we’re only in the third match!) Falcon makes the ropes to avoid an anklelock, so Tha Realist clotheslines him to the floor. He avoids the Dark Claw superkick and drops a monitor on Falcons Super-kicking foot… now THAT’S pyschology! Back inside, Falcon counters several attempted chinlocks and gets a roll-up for 2. Tha Realist stomps Falcons foot into Silly Putty and dragon screws him. In Japan, he’s legally entitled to claim disability after that. Falcon blocks the FIGURE-FOUR OF INSIDIOUS AGONY and backdrops Tha Realist out on a blind charge. Tha Realist uses the old standby of a thumb to the eye to regain control, taking down Falcon and applying a half-crab.He heads up, Falcon chases him to the high-rent district and Falcon-Steins him.(I’ve got five Canadian dollars that says Bensino actually calls it a “Falcon-Steiner” within six months…) Backbreaker gets 2. Tha Realist takes a powder, so Falcon hits a nice bodyblock off the top onto him. (Bonus points for continuity, as Tha Realist used that spot at “Game Over”.) Falcon brings Tha Realist back in and tries the move again, Realist rolls through for 2. Falcon hits a Fishermans suplex and locks on the Main Event Sleeper. He flips out of an attempted back suplex but runs into Realists boot in the corner. He manages a springboard clothesline off a whip and a slugfest breaks out. Tha Realist takes control, setting Falcon up on the buckle. Falcons’ flying something hits nothing but Tha Realists fist, who pummels him and tries a suplex. Flacon floats sweetly into a schoolboy for 2. Tha Realist tries another suplex, same deal, but this time Tha Realist reverses again into a bridged German for 2. He hits the floor on a blind charge, Falcon follows him out. The ref prevents Falcon using the monitor (Being a face sucks sometimes…) so Tha Realist blindsides him and works the leg. Falcon hits an enziguri and slingshots Tha Realist into the ringpost. Back inside, Falcon craps all over the pyschology of the match by hitting the Dark Claw for 2. D’OH! He could have grimaced and clutched his ankle afterwards, at least! He gets 2 off a tornado DDT before Tha Realist escapes a “Velocity Overload” and punts him to the floor. Falcon practically no-sells the tumble, zooming straight back in to lay in some kicks. (Boy, his leg healed quick, huh?) Tha Realist ducks a clothesline and hits a crossbody, then the Surpasser for 2. Realist returns to the leg-based attack with a ringpost figure-four, then ups the ante by jumping off the top rope right onto Falcons ankle. Let’s see him superkick NOW! He applies the Tarantula Torque. Falcon fights it for some time, but eventually passes out to give Realist the title. Slightly inconsistant selling in the middle, but the finish was spot-on. **** Not as tight as their match at “Game Over”, but back-to-back 4-star-plus matches on Pay-Per-View is nothing to complain about…
-Flame vs Paco the Euro Trash
Paco leads off a few shots to the kisser, Flame bails and it’s a footrace. Paco suckers Flame starts the Floor Brawl. He hits an elbowdrop off the stairs and uses the EURO-TRASH VIOLENCE. He hits a Rail-Running facebuster and gets 2 from a twisting legdrop. He gets dumped onto the railing off a blind charge, then leg swept into the same for 2. Flame brings out the furniture, Paco avoids a wild swing and axe kicks him onto his own chair. Well, that’ll learn him! Into the crowd we brawl, with Paco taking a nasty bump through a couple of chairs. It gets 2. Flame springboards off a chair and whops Paco into the next state, getting 2 more. Back to ringside, Flame hits a chair-loaded legdrop off the apron and loads up the plunder. He canes the hell out of Paco for a while, Paco replies with a bladejob-inducing chairshot. He heads up and hits the “Flowdown Showdown” somersault legdrop for 2. Paco uses the HARDCORE EXTINGUISHER on Flame (There’s Irony at it’s finest…) Paco makes my day by actually pausing to carefully read the extinguishers instrcutions first. (Rare dedication to proper safety proceedures, that!) He gets crotched and rana-ed into the ring for 2, however. The “3rd Degree” tornado bulldog onto a trashcan gets 2 before Flame picks Paco up. He hits a nice, though slightly overdone somersault spear, then loads up a turnbuckle with a trashcan. Which he then stupidly powerbombs Paco onto. That’s the second time I’ve seen that spot in two different federations, and it doesn’t get any pretty the second time around… it gets 2, anyway. Flame misses a swanton, Paco gives him a Loony Toons-styed frying pan in the kisser. Paco adds to the current WTFL trend of Overly-Extrangant Move Names with the “Welcome to Euroville, Population You!”… Flame eats a trashcan, medium-rare and a Dragon suplex gets 2 for Paco. He heads out to prep a table, allowing Flame to hits a beautiful double-jump springboard moonsault. He brings of the LADDER OF DOOM, Paco reverses a powerbomb and ranas him onto it. An unexpected chain-wrestling sequence breaks out until Paco takes a drop toehold onto the steel. Flame busts out the GRATER OF DEATH on Paco, removing some of his chest hair with it. (Probably a GOOD thing, as most chicks hate hairy chests these days…) He delivers a Meltdown onto the ladder and brings Paco back inside. Paco reverses a whip, sending Flame into the ladder, then segues into an Evenflow. We get the BIG BUMP ALERT as Paco sets up a table/ladder combo and heads up. Flame meets him at the top for a High-Rent Brawl and takes the “Red Light District” through the table. Paco crawls on top for the pinfall. Started off like a generic ECW walk-and-brawl, but never descended into the paint-by-numbers spotfest it could have been. Good intesity, and bonus points for not continuing the match past the obvious BIG BUMP finisher. ***1/4
-HH vs AK (Italian Supermarket Death Match)
Interesting stip, huh? AK is initially barred from entering the HARDCORE SUPERMARKET OF DOOM because he’s violating health codes. (No shirt, you see.) HH helps out by blindsiding AK, then squishing the jobber… sorry, the manager. Cute. They brawl among some soda cans until AK gets confused by a HH cut-out. (He’s the offical spokes-jock for the soda… wacky coincidence, huh?) AK KO’s himself taking out the cut-out, HH uses AK’s head to clear an entire shelf of soup. Clean-up in aisle 1! AK manages to send HH into another suspiciously-huge display of cans, taking himself out in the process. HH backdrops AK into the assorted cow parts freezers and attacks him with Hershey Bars. Into the dairy section we go, with HH busting out the MOO-JUICE SPEW OF DOOM! AK takes down HH and uses a can of whipped cream in a decidedly unhygenic manner. In frozen foods, AK brings out the LOADED PEPPERONI PIZZA OF AGONY, getting 2. HH slams a freezer door on AK a couple of times for 2 of his own. AK uses a bag of Doritos as a somewhat ineffectual weapon. HH taunts him, so AK smashes a jar of dip on him instead. I had to pause the tape here to let Xeomorph recover… He marks for the Three Stooges, as you can imagine. AK piledrives HH onto the Doritos in a nice visual. ( I guess AK _IS_ all that and a bag of… oh, never mind.) HH goes ballastic with a frozen chicken on the way to the checkout. AK hits the AK-47 on the checkout counter, but only gets 2 before the moving conveyer belts dumps them both on the floor. AK tosses HH through the front window and we brawl into the mall. AK quickly takes the fight to a nearby Olive Grove, where HH punks out a couple of diners. Hit hits the Pool of Blood on AK for 2 and they head into the kitchen. AK turns HH into an overpriced entree, HH gives him a pan shot and grates him. On to the mens room, AK gets a swirlie. HH is kind enough to put him under the hand drier afterwards, though. (Admittedly, he DID slam his head into it to start it up, but it’s the thought that counts!) They head to a Chinese resturant for the most ethnically-stereotyped joke of the night, then back to the supermarket on the back of a pick-up truck. (They SO missed a great opportunity to have the Chinese waiters come out and Kung-Fu AK and HH out of there!) In the deli, HH busts out the PHALLIC KEILBASA OF DOOM until AK punts him in the crotch and clotheslines him over the counter. In the bakery department, AK discovers HH’s Master Plan… a lead-pipe-loaded loaf of bread. He removes the pipe and fakes out HH, hitting the Dream Crusher for the pinfall. (After completing the slapstick with the traditional pie-in-the-face gag.) For a federation I used to dread for thier liberal use of barbed wire, these guys have a real flair for comedy at times. Besino and the Kids commentary was hilarious and the spots were highly original. The WWF may have done it first, but WTFL did it better! *** for the sheer entertainment value…
-Ja Lam vs Flash (Xtreme Title)
We’re JIP, with the match having started in Flash’s locker room. Flash uses a chair and a workout belt to get the upper hand. He locks in the Alabama Crab for a while, then ranas Ja Lam off the catering table. JL turns the tide and hits a German on the floor. He bops Flash with the belt and dropkicks him into a wall. Monkey flip and table-loaded rolling thunder from JL, before he literally just throws the table at Flash. This is re-defining “Ugly Brawl”… He suplexes Flash into the remains of the buffet, which loses a lot of impact after the food-related AK/HH brawl we’ve just seen. JL hits the Twilight Kick for 2, then a “Wishbone Sin-Ton” (I checked their site for the spelling, so no, that’s NOT a typo…) through the table. Out to ringside we go, where La Lam shifts furniture, setting up a five-table stack below the entrance ramp. This takes so long that Flash is able to take over, spinebusting La Lam and climbing the ‘Tron. He nearly kills both of them with a Flash Splash onto the stage and they lie there for a week and a half trying to recover. Eventually, they go to an oddly-placed submission sequence, with Ja Lam making a bid for the “Worst Pun” Keithie by hitting the “Silence of the Lam”. Flash reverses a hurricanrana into a powerbomb that puts Ja lam through the table stack to retain. 1/4* Total time-filler…
-Abrubt Function vs Vertical Limit vs Right Angle & Wolf
Wolf and Angle get pummeled by both teams right from the get-go and it’s BONZO GONZO! We end up with Danny Moore and SdW in the ring, with SdW hitting a cross-body. He tags in Genocide, Moore avoids a backdrop and double DDTs Genocide and SdW. Angle makes the blind tag, helping Moore out of the ring with a clothesline in the process. He hits a flying elbow on Genocide from the lock-up and tosses him. Angle nails a nice somersault plancha and they brawl on the floor. Angle meets the stairs and bails back to the ring, Adam Starr tags in by punching him in the face. He turfs Angle, Genocide hits a backbreaker on Starr and goes to the Main Even Sleeper. Moore saves with a neckbreaker off the top, Starr hotshots Genocide and tries for a submission. SdW saves, so Genocide rolls away and tags in Wolf. (Tag of Choice: The Slap to the Face tag…) Wolf hits the Main Event Spinebuster on Starr and locks in a cloverleaf, Moore goes up again. Angle proves to be a quick study, shoving Moore off the top onto the announce table… which no-sells. Ouch. Angle and Wolf double-team Starr, working the knee. Angle lands the Heroic Dive for 2, Moore tries to come back in, leading to wacky shenanagins as SdW drills Angle with the Crystal Stairway behind the refs back. Wolf tries to help out, running straight into the Hardkore Drop from Genocide. Starr makes the hot tag to Moore, who cleans house briefly until we get a BONZO GONZO REDUX! Abrubt Function hit the “Martial Law” for 2 on Wolf, Vertical Limit break it up. They give SdW the “Cruel Crasher”, then the “Free Fall” to Genocide. The parade of Double-Team Finishers is halted suddenly by Wolf, who KO’s Moore with the ring bell while the ref is tied up with Starr and gets the pinfall. ** That was a real flurry of finishers, although the match was fairly generic. (And somewhat confused when all six men got involved.)
-Postmatch, Moore takes out his agression by punking out his (ex-)partner Starr. Let’s hope he doesn’t Billygunn his singles career…
-Tony Danza vs Mojo (Sitcom Actor vs Monkey Casket Match)
I REALLY don’t think I need to recap this match… Especially since it’s the longest comedy match in history! Let’s just list the finer moments, shall we?
-Tony Danza gives Wierd Al Yankovich the Browser Refresh pre-match.
-Mojo throws monkey crap at Danza
-Danza PULLS DOWN THE STRAPS!
-Mojo armdrags Danza
-Mojo gets caught in a trashcan and punted to Arizona by Danza
-Wierd Al does a retributionary run-in. (Hitting Danza with the ACCORDION OF DOOM!)
-Flea of the Chillis ALSO does a run-in!
-Self-defense against Soft Fruit!
-Richard Pryor returns for run-in #3…
-Louie Anderson is Run-In Guy #4
-Hollywood Crud is #5
-Milli Vanilli are run-ins 6 and 7. (One must be an impersonator… unless WTFL is re-animating the dead!)
-MOJOCANRANA! CHIMP-LER CROSS-FACE!
-Run-ins 8 through 23 are performed by various WTFL wrestlers.
-Stock footage alert!
Rating? I don’t think so Tim… Although watching Danza get his butt kicked will never grow old for me…
-Ice vs Idol (Intercontinental Title Match)
Eight matches down, FOUR to go! (WTFL always delivers value-for-money Pay-Per-Views… but man, they require some stamina!) A wrestling sequence from the outset sees Idol working Ices’ arm. A complicated mutli-reversal leads to Ice getting a Northern Lights suplex for 2. He focuses on Idols neck, Idol reverses and goes back to the arm. He gets caught and powerbombed attempting something off the buckles, then a second powerbomb gets 2. Ice charges blind, getting backdropped to the floor. Idol hits an Asai moonsault and they brawl. Ice wins the brawl and hits a (You guessed it!) powerbomb, getting 2 back in the ring. Idol hits a reverse DDT and sidewalk slam and takes Ice to the top. Ice helps out the pyschology of the match by blowing a superplex reversal in spectacular style, nearly breaking his own arm in the process. He does manage to get in a tombstone for 2 before Idol avoids a dropkick and goes Signature Move Crazy. The “I-Plex” and “Turmoil” get 2, Ice blocks the “Heat Seeker” with a backdrop. Ice hits the Main Event Spinebuster, but misses a legdrop. Idol gets 2 as a result. German suplex gets 2. Ice hits the Icebreaker for 2, so Idol brings in the TIMEKEEPERS CHAIR OF PAIN and KO’s Ice with it for a cheap DQ. * Man, were those two half-assing it, or what? Bensino and the Kid seemed at a loss to explain the finish. Postmatch, Genocide saves Ice from a punking.
-The Misfits vs TnT (Hell In a Cell Tag Team Titles Match)
Snakehead and Tex kick things off with some punching. Snakehead slams Tex and tags out. (Tags? In a cell? Even Bensino doubts that’ll last long…) The Misfits double-team Tex, hitting the dreaded DOUBLE-Main Event Spinebuster. Triz comes in to help and things go very mildly BONZO GONZO. Biohazard cleans house and the Misfits bust out the plunder. This takes so long to do so, Tex is waiting for them with a chair when they try to come back in. Stall-O-Rama ’02 begins, followed by Brawlapalooza on the floor. Tex and Biohazard exit the cage, meaning recapping becomes somewhat difficult with two brawls occuring at once. Luckily, nothing remotely worth recapping appears to be happening. Snakehead gets 2 off a powerslam as Tex and Biohazard climb the cage. Triz and Snakehead quickly join them topside, Tez hits the Suicide Bump, giving Snakehead the “Goin’ South” off the top and through the Spanish announcers table. Triz and Biohazard head back down to the ring for more brawling. Then climb back up again. Well, this is going nowhere fast. Triz ends it with a powerbomb through the cage roof, along with a table. 2 huge bumps wrapped up in ten minutes of tedium. DUD
-Nightmare vs Adrenaline
We get the stare-down, which gives me Hogan/Andre flashbacks… and that aint a good visual! Nightmare tosses Adrenaline about for a while, no-selling all the way. Adrenaline puts an end to that with a Greco-Roman Knee In The ‘Nads and bulldogs him. He slaps on a chinlock, so Nightmare falls backwards onto him. Ouch. Nightmare pounds away and chokes, then hits the Tiger Jawjacker and applies a five-second chinlock. Legdrop gets 2. He hits the buckle on a blind charge, Adrenaline hits an Electric Chair drop and bails. Nightmare no-sells (Yes, I’m as shocked as you…) and chases him to the floor. Nightmare manhandles Adrenaline, who attacks Nightmares legs. Back inside, he goes to the ringpost figure-four, then a Native American Deathlock. Nightmare sells (Now I AM shocked!) then chokeslams the showboating Adrenaline for 2. Powerbomb into the turnbuckles nearly snaps Adrenalines neck like a pretzel. (Geez, that same stupid spot twice in one night?) More choking, the Exploder and an overly-convoluted piledriver get 2 apiece. Adrenaline drags the ref into the path of an onrushing Nightmare, squishing him into a paste. Adrenaline goes for a chair only to run into a NoSellVanator. He hits the Tomikaze, but the ref is still out. Adrenaline uses the chair to destroy Nightmares leg, then hits a pedigree onto it. Adrenaline Press gets the win for Adrenaline. *1/2 Someone stoke the boiler, because this show is running out of steam!
-Postmatch, Adrenaline takes out some security jobbers and does some more damage to the knee. And it’s Main Event time! (At last! I was clean-shaven at the start of this card… now I have an Evil Canadian Goatee!)
-Non-Retard vs Madd Dogg (Presidential Ranch Brawl)
The concept here is that the match is being broadcast from President Non-Retards ranch in Texas. Things get off to a roaring star as he runs down Madd Dogg with a ride-on lawnmower. Oh dear Lord, it’s a Comedy Main Event! (Well, it’ll make a change from a Sledgehammers and No-Selling, I suppose…) Madd Dogg clotheslines him off it and destroys the porch swing with Non-Retards body. It get 1 from Rosalita, the Spanish Maid-cum-Referee. (I wonder if someone will go through the Spanish Housekeepers Table?) Madd Bogg bounces the Prez off the walls until Non-Retard reverses, sending Madd Dogg inside, trashing the screen door in the process. (Highly bad manners from Madd Dogg, too… he never even wiped his muddy feet before going inside!) It gets 2. In the living room, Madd Dogg belly-to-backs Non-Retard right over a couch and destroys his wide-screen TV. Non-Retard ranas Madd Dogg back over the couch for 2. Into the kitchen, Madd Dogg hits a senton bomb off a table and pumphandle slams Non-Retard onto the stove. Don’t try THAT at home! They lower the property values some more on the way to the bathroom, where Non-Retard get to cool off his burns under the shower. He retaliates with the Tenacious Tranquilizer and we’re into the bedroom. Madd Dogg hits the Madd Driver on the king-size bed and gets the pin to retain. Call it **, although my brain has kinda gone numb from this monster PPV…
The Bottom Line: Started off like a house on fire, but sputtered out badly in the long run. And the emphasis is on LONG! If the show had finished with the Supermarket Brawl, I’d had considered it slightly short, but still a classic. As is, it’s a somewhat-overblown, better-than average card that helps to explain my sporadic site updates. Brain Overload is a hard thing to recover from. But I’ll take a long card filled with excellent matches over a short crudfest any day of the week!