The “Not” Keith Rant for WTFL Rampage Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for WTFL’s Rampage

Time to return to the wonderful world of wrestling, Schmucks and Schmuckettes… (Assuming I HAVE any Scmhuckettes, that is…) Back to the WTFL we go.. WTF not, huh? Their September Pay-Per-View was named “Rampage”… possibly in honour of the classic building-mutilating video game, though equally possibly, not. Boy is THIS a more confused-than-usual intro…

-We are LIVE from Cleveland (Which rocks, apparently…) Joey Styles and “Brian” have usurped the booth from J.R and Jerry tonight. They talk up the two-week “History” of the Double H/Adrenaline retirement match. (Two weeks? That’s history in the loosest possible sense of the word, in my opion…) Anyhoo, no time like the present, so let’s go to;

Double H (w/Valkyrie) vs Adrenaline (W/Crystal) (Retirement Match)

They exchange punches from the outset, with Adrenaline taking control after Double H runs into an elbow. He bails after a bulldog and stunguns Adrenaline as he gives chase. Double axehandle off the top leads to a Charity Punchathon with both men making contributions. Adrenaline mixes it up with a Roaring Elbow to send HH to the floor. HH’s face bounces off both the apron AND the guardrailling on the way down. Now that’s dedication to your craft. They brawl on the floor and (briefly) in the fans before HH escapes back to the ring. He hits a spinning heel kick and a suplex, both undersold by Adrenaline. He shoulder tackles HH and hits a forearm smash off a criss-cross. HH no-sells, so Adrenaline DDT’s him for 2. Avalanche scores, Adrenaline unleashes some NO FIXED ABODE VIOLENCE! (I think the ring announcer no-showed…) He goes for the TEN PUNCHES OF DOOM, but HH tries an inverted atomic drop at the fifth PUNCH OF DOOM. Adrenaline avoids it and adds a sixth punch. Double H reverses a whip and hits a Clothesline from Heck. He uses the knee for 2 and they slug it out again. HH sneaks in a Russian Legsweep. HH uses a ridiculously convoluted scoop-to-reverse-DDT on Adrenaline for 2. He applies a headlock and gets backdropped. Military press slam from Adreanaline, he proceeds to armdrag Dub all over the place. Overhead belly-to-belly spiked with three elbow drops gets 2. Evil-looking kneedrop on the back of the neck and an odd suplex variant from Adrenaline. More fisticuffs before Adrenaline hits the floor after a blind charge. Valkyrie beats on him, making him easy prey for a baseball slide that sends him into the guardrail. Brief brawl on the floor, HH hits a running facecrusher in the ring. Asai guillotine legdrop gets 2, HH hits the buckles on a blind charge. (This is the most blind chages since… Martel/Roberts from Wrestlemania VII!) Adrenaline goes Garvin on HH’s ass with the Stomp Out and hits the Chincheck for 2. Powerbomb is countered with a mid-ring tornado DDT. Full Nelson slam and top rope elbow gets 2 for Dub. Gimmicky spot as Adrenaline reverses the second-rope “HH Bomb” into a hurricanrana. HH quickly reverses a whip and nails the Grim Outlook. He places Adrenaline on the buckle and looks for a superplex, only to be shoved off and dropkicked for 2. T-Bone and somersault legdrop from Adrenaline, who finally hits the powerbomb. They trade pinfalll attempts with a backslide, Adrenaline hits the Arn Anderson spinebuster, only to eat canvas attempting the Adrenaline Press. DDT, piledriver and senton splash from HH, he gets 2 off the “Pool of Blood” press slam-to-stunner. Double H remonstrates with the ref, allowing Adrenaline to lock in a facelock for the Adrenaline Deathdrop. (No relation, Mr Borden…) HH manages to kick off the turnbuckles for a reverse DDT instead. He hits the “Deaths’ Head” and “Dream Crusher” for 2. They do the “Shout-at-ref-and-get-set-up-for-the-Deathdrop” again, with Adrenaline hitting it this time. For 2. T-Bone suplex, HH manages to avoid the Adrenaline Rush (You could see that one a mile off, couldn’t you?) and hits a swinging bulldog. Dream Crusher is reversed into s bridged northen lights for 2. The Adrenaline Rush is completed, getting 2 for Adrenaline. Valkyrie swipes the timekeepers chair as Dub fakes a knee injury. She waffles Adrenaline from the apron, causing him to stumble into the Dream Crusher for a long 2. Adrenaline bumps like a rubber ball for HH, taking a DDT, Sidewalk slam and brainbuster before HH hits the “Scorcher”, (A torture rack DVD!) for 2.95. Adrenaline blocks and reverses a suplex, and it becomes HH’s turn to bump around. Sleeping neckbreaker, Dragon suplex and Adrenaline rush gets 2.999. (NEAR FALLS! NEAR FALLS!) Ref is bumped by Adrenaline, who manages to take out HH with the “Disgraceful Kick”. He also takes out the chair-wielding Valkyrie before putting HH through the Spanish table with a chair-spiked legdrop from the top. Ouchie. Nightmare runs-in. (Well, actually he kind of sauntered in, but same difference, eh?) He thinks about taking out Adrenaline, then Cataclysms HH instead. Adreanaline covers for the win to end HH’s WTFL career. ***3/4 Kicking off with the retirement match was a risk, but it worked. Hell of an opener, with the run-in being the only black mark. Sometimes someone’s just got to do the job, folks…

-Backstage, Right Angle talks. He cuts off AK before he can get any mic time, though.

-Meanstreak vs. Kris Karnage
-Xtreme Title Ceasers Palace Brawl

This is a hardcore match that takes place in a casino. (Although a novel concept, it’s not the first of it’s kind, believe it or not… The Keepers of The Flame of Sillyness at the Brawlers On a Budget actually held a “Casino of Doom” match a year or so ago!) The casino appears to be decorated in Early American Bad Taste, by the way… Karnage gets the first licks in, posting Meanstreak on a load-bearing pillar from the bell. Reverse Tiger suplex gets an early one-count. They trade reversals until Meanstreak hits a brainbuster for 1. They head for the nickel slots, where Karnage rams Meanstreaks head into one. (Not triggering a payout… Even money says they will eventually…) Meanstreak is bounced off some more slot machines, knocking one completley over. Karnage delivers a legdrop and covers on the slot machine. The ref gets technical about the distinction between “floor” and “Almost floor” and won’t count, however. The eventual cover on the carpet gets 1. (And probably a light dusting of cigarette ash for Meanstreak…) Karnage adds some Random Violence to a slot machine, snapping off a handle for a weapon. He beats on Meanstreak, then tries for the Home Run swing, hitting nothing but the fallen slot machine. Meanstreak tries to bail, mulekicking the persuing Karnage and hitting a sunset flip powerbomb onto the much-abused slot machine for 2. He sends Karnage into a one-arm bandit and misses a flying knee, taking out the glass casing in a sick spot. Karnage hits the jackpot, belly-to-back suplexing Meanstreak into the machine and getting a payout at the same time. (So THAT’S the secret… forget pumping quarters in, bounce a wrestler off it instead!) It gets a long 2. They head for the blackjack tables. (I’d recommend taking Insurance right about now…) Cute spot as Karnage slaps Meanstreak silly while spinning him on a revolving chair. Meanstreak fends off Karnage with a deck of cards, before doing an admirable “airplane spin” dizyness sell. Meanstreak blades off a forward legsweep into the edge of the table. (Guess the casino was too cheap to spring for padded tables!) They walk-and-brawl before Meanstrwak hits a missile dropkick off another blackjack table. Moonsault gets 2 as Meanstreaks bladejob approaches a 0.5 Muta. Karnage joins the Crimson Mask club after Meanstreak grinds his face into a spinning roulette wheel. (He ups the ante with at least FOUR swipes of the ol’ blade from the one spot!) The resulting cover gets 2. They fight onto a stage, with Meanstreak hitting a brutal “Clasp” front suplex variant for 2 and 9/10ths. Luckily the casino is obeying fire regulations, so the HARDCORE FIRE EXTINGUISHER OF MISTY DOOM enters the fray. Karnage accidently hits the “Start Glitzy Satge Show” lever, setting off pyro next to Meanstreak. (Contrived as all get out, though amusing…) Karnage uses the fire extinguisher and (possibly) chairshots Meanstreak. After the smoke clears, Karnage is pinning, getting a 2-count. Karnage sets up a chair and tornado DDT’s Meanstreak off the stage onto it. He also smashes his own elbow into the chair, possibly legit. He gets 2, regardless. Meanstreaks’ bladejob (Now up to 0.75 Muta) is ruined in the lobby, as Karnage dunks him in a fountain. FOUNTAIN SPEW OF DEATH from Meanstreak, who manages to hit the “Event Killer” after a convoluted set-up to retain. **3/4 Entertaining enough for a walk-and-brawl. But where was the craps table so I could call it “entertaining crap” and shout “SNAKE EYES!” like a moron?

-Outside, Scott Hudson decides NOT to interview Sitruk. Wuss.

-RDB vs Idol (Intercontinental Title-First Blood Match)

Double gimmick infringement is in progress, with The Idols’ “Water Bottle” HHH-rip and RDB’s chant-along of his initials. Idol wins the opening slugfest and goes ballistic on RDB, T-boning him and hitting a frog splash. RDB bails and hotshots Idol, leading to a fast-paced sequence as they trade moves. RDB scores with a drop toehold and lucha dropkick, then GORE GORE GORES Idol. Idol pretty much no-sells, hitting a diamond cutter and going for the trash. Kendo Stick Fu from Idol until a clothesline from You-Know-Where drops him. Idol allows a couple of punches before he stops selling again, hitting the “187” and a bizzare tilt-a-whirl/airplane spin/backbreaker combo. He misses the “Turmoil” top-rope moonsault and is tossed on a blind charge. They brawl on the floor, RDB DDT’s Idol on the ramp. He bounces Idol off the metalwork at the top of the stage and DVD’s him off the stage through a convient table. After a while they rise to have a spectacularly lacklustre brawl back to the ring. Where they also brawl half-heartedly. This is going down like Osama Bin Laden compering a fireman’s ball. (Hey, I had to sart taking potshots at OBL sooner or later, didn’t I?) Idol hits a sidewalk slam and uses a baseball bat to go Barry Bonds on RDB’s head. Idol graciously allows RDB to get in a few punches, before hitting the “Heat Seeker”. Van-RDB-Extinguish-inator leads to RDB giving us the CARBON DIOXIDE MIST OF DOOM for the second time in two matches. Idol takes “The Prophecy”, selling it for less time than it took to type this. RDB manages to land the RDB Slam through a table, Idol blades and this one is in the books. *1/2 Neeh. Idol’s rampant non-co-operation hurt this one badly. He could probably get a job as a third member of Kronik, however…

-AK vs Rawkus vs Tha Realist (Unification Match)

The setup for this match is that Rawkus is the US Champ, Tha Realist is the European Champ and Andy Karmello is just kind of along for the ride. The winner is crowned “Transatlantic Champion”. Karmello does the “Spastic White Boy” dance, enraging Rawkus. (And N’Sync fans the world over!) Rawkus hits the buckle charging blind, AK uses him for a punching bag. Tha Realist tries to punch out AK, laying out Rawkus as Karmello ducks. He nails the Ackbreaker(sic) on Tha Realist for 1 before Rawkus saves. The Realist clotheslines AK for 1, Rawkus breaks things up again. Copious leap-frogerry abounds until AK takes down Rawkus and pancakes Tha Realist onto him. Rawkus and Realist manage to surround AK and get twin waistlocks on him. (Which kind of looks like they’re pulling a train on him… ewww!) Rawkus hits a powerbomb for 1 before Tha Realist breaks the cover. Evil, though simple move as The Realist snapemares Rawkus into a backbreaker for 1. AK tries a suplex, but gets gut-kicked by Rawkus, leading to an inadvertant one-count from Tha Realist. Sleeper drop on Tha Realist, AK quickly tries for a neckbreaker on Rawkus and gets DDT-ed instead. Tha Realist attempts a victory roll, Rawkus simply falls forward and hotshots him on the top buckle to counter. Neat! Karmello breaks the pin but gets suplexed. Tha Realist gives a TKO to Rawkus, then takes a piledriver from AK as the pace remains very, very quick. AK covers Rawkus instead, getting 2. Double Sleeper spot, with AK the middle man again. Rawkus saves AK and brawls with Tha Realist. Rawkus tries to lock in the “Cruel Punishment” standing crab, so AK takes his legs out from under him. Rawkus forehead bulls-eyes Tha Realists nuts on the way down. AK ranas Rawkus across the ring, then does the same to Tha Realist. Tha Realist avoids a superkick and dragon suplexes AK for 2. Rawkus and Tha Realist do a not-half-bad sequence of reversals, with neither man hitting anything until AK leapfrogs Tha Realist and sunset flips Rawkus for 2. He flips out of an armdrag and lays in some TRANSATLANTIC VIOLENCE. Rawkus lays in some chops of his own and it’s suddenly a “Stiff Chop” contest, with Tha Realist the victim of the piece. Classic moment as Rawkus gets off a cringe-inducing chop that has AK conceeding defeat… seconds before giving Rawkus a congratulatory DDT. He sets up Tha Realist for a superplex, Rawkus pops up between his legs for an eye-popping three man-high superplex. Tha Realist really drew the short straw tonight, huh? Rawkus covers Tha Realist for 2. He gets 2 on AK after a double-arm suplex before Tha Realist saves. Rawkus no-sells a fallaway slam and ducks an enziguri, locking in the “Broken Future” on Tha Realist. AK hits a bulldog off the top to break the hold and covers for 2. AK lands face-first on Rawkus’s knee as he tries for the “Pizza Delivery”. Karmello sells that one all the way to the floor. Tha Realist manages to avoid the “Flick of the Switch” and hits the “Realism” on Rawkus for the pinfall. **** Hot pace, great timing and a clean finish. Impressive work from all three men involved.

-Postmatch, Tha Realist receives his new belt. Suprisingly, no-one punks him out with it…

-Backstage, Scott Hudson Interviews The Misfits. (The stable, not the band…)

-Vertical Limit (Adam Starr & Danny Moore) vs. The Misfits (Snakehead & Biohazard) vs Deep Impact (Flame & Deadly Dean)
-Falls Count Anywhere Tag Title Match

From a triple threat to a tag triple threat. There’s some scheduling for ya… Dean and Biohazard trade moves early, with Dean getting some one-counts. Biohazard hits the boot on a blind charge and gets dropkicked, giving us a crawl race after about three minutes or so. Great stamina, guys! Double tag, Flame clotheslines evryone in sight and powerslams Snakehead. He also takes out Biohazard, prompting Joey to beat me to the punch on the “He’s on Fire” puns… (Now if they only had a wrestler named “Pierre Six”, I’d be in my element!) Sick bump as Flame mounts the buckles, only to be shoved off by Snakehead, landing head-first on the guardrail. Snakehead goes outside to beat on him, prompting Dean to give him a dropkick off the apron. Flame and Snakehead have an armdrag contest and a lightning-fast multi-reversal sequence that pops the crowd. Starr tags himself in for a wrestling sequence with Snakehead that rapidly dissolves into a brawl, then a beatdown in The Misfits corner. Snakehead works the arm, but gets a hurricanrana on a blind charge. Elbowdrop and suplex gets 2 for Starr, Snakehead tags out to Dean. Dean piledrives Starr for 1, Moore comes in to save. Double-team flapjack gets 1 for Vertical Limit. Moore stays in on the phantom tag, getting 2 off a standing moonsault. He tags Starr back in, who gets in some stiff chops and a spinning heel kick. Flame breaks the cover by dropping a springboard legdrop on Starrs melon. Dean hangs onto the ropes to avoid a Frankensteiner from Starr and hits the “Deadly Elbow”. (Starr survives… bloody false advertising!) This triggers a wild sequence as attempted covers are broken by various flying moves from the top rope. Pier Six-and-a-Halfer results with everyone getting their licks in. It spills to the floor, with the ref having to count pinfall attempts all over the show. Weapons come out, the Beer Dispensing Unit is totalled, and yes, I am too confused to recap any of this. Huge trainwreck as Flame moonsaults everyone else in the match, though… An odd contest seems to break out as the wrestlers compete to see who can take the biggest bump for a near-fall… Dean spears Snakehead through a table for 2. Flame is shunted off the apron to the guardrail for 2. Dean takes a “Crusher” into some chairs for 2. Flame one-ups him by taking a sit-down powerbomb for 2. Moore is suplexed off the top for 2. Deep Impact hit the “Total Impact” on Biohazard, Starr drags Flame out of the ring at 2. A ladder comes out at this point and Flame goes to the front of the pack in the “Biggest Bump” stakes by missing the “Bombshell” and splattering himself on it. It doesn’t end there, as Flame one-ups HIMSELF with a bodyblock off the balcony. Eventually, Dean gives Moore the “Vert” off the top to retain. *** Over-the-top, but acceptably so. TLC meets ECW…

-Video package to set up Mixx vs. Bensino

-Mixx vs Bensino (Dog Collar Match)

Big brawl and a horribly contrived powerbomb through a pile of chairs to start. More brawling and arm-barring before the collars are even attached. And three minutes later Mixx hits the Mixxplex for the win. DUD Way to keep up the momentum there, guys…

-Main Event
-Non-Retard vs. X vs Right Angle vs Sitruk (WTFL Title Match)

The ref searches Non-Retard prior to the match, and discovers he’s packing more weapons than a squad of Army Rangers. Cute. Angle is the new WTFL President, it seems… You think he would have reached those heady heights if his parents had named him something like “Richard”? They pair off from the bell, with Angle and X colliding heavily after their whips are reversed. Sitruk misses an elbow on Angle as Retard removes a turnbuckle pad. X stops that with some fisticuffs, then helps Angle to double-team Sitruk out to the floor. They duck a charging Retard, X hiptosses him. The Non-Retarded One bails, then hits the ring in time for some RIGHT-ANGLED VIOLENCE! Sitruk drags X out to the floor for a brawl, then drags out Angle as well. Non-Retard takes the opportunity to hit a TardySault onto the brawling trio, blowing the landing badly. He brings Angle in for a 2-count and sets up the “Cracka Flapjack 3000”. We never get to see if it lives up to it’s name as X makes the save with a slingshot dropkick. Angle rolls Retard into a Boston Crab, causing X to experience “Face vs Face” confusion. Eventually, he clotheslines Angle and hits a gourdbuster to make the crowd hot. Sirtuk punishes him with a belly-to-back as Retard adds a neckbreaker to spike the ball. The heels try a double-team on Angle, who avoids Sitruk and tries a hurricanrana. With about as much sucess as you’d imagine… he takes a vicious overhead powerbomb and Retard adds a “Bloodhound Bite” on the way down. Non-Retard quickly double-crosses Sitruk, who no-sells like a champ. They trade reversals until Sitruk is levelled with a reverse Tornado DDT. N-R and X work over Angle until Face/Heel miscommuincation sees Non-Retard take a flying kick from X. X gives the typical “So What?” reaction, then teams with Angle for a double suplex on Sitruk. Top rope splash by X hits the knees of Sitruk, who joins forces with Retard for a huge Missile Dropkick Device on Angle. (Who works in the 360 oversell…) X pops up and lays out Sitruk with the X-Pulsion, only to take a Roaring Elbow from Retard? Me? for 2. He argues with the ref, then hits Sirtuks boot on a blind charge. Sitruk hits a Blue Thunder powerbomb on Agle for 2. Retard works Sitruks arm briefly, then hits an ace crusher. X immediately lays him out with The X-Press for 2. Angle and X pull off a nice wrestling sequence until Sitruk wrecks things by throwing X to the floor and beating on Angle until N-R hits the Smore on him. With everyone pretty much destroyed by that sequence, Retard crawls over for the cover, only to be dragged out at 2 by X. They brawl on the floor as Angle continues to bounce around like a beachball for Sitruk. X is knocked off the apron, bouncing off the Japanese Announce table. Sitruk gioves N-Retard the Incessant Drop, with Angle hitting the “Heroic Dive” to break the count at 2. Angle tries for the Anglympic Slam on Sitruk twice, before Retard attacks him. X makes the save and spears Non-Retard to the floor as Angle Hulks up to hit the Right Angled Slam on Sitruk for the pinfall. Hey, the new WTFL President just won the Heavyweight title! Who’d have thunk it? Still, the match was good, though slightly chaotic for a Main Event… **3/4

-The Bottom Line: The best WTFL offering yet! A pared-down card compared to the usual mammoth WTFL PPV, and boy did that help! Despite a few pointless squashes, the majority of the night consisted of well-booked, high-intensity matches. Two thumbs up!

-Highly recommended