The “Not” Keith Schmucks Rant for WTFL’s Wrestlemania II
Right then… a busy week for me, what with helping Xenomorph move in, and then shopping for a new couch after he accidently set fire to my old one, has left me way behind with my recapping. So, screw the introduction, let’s get right to it!
The show is WTFL’s (No, I have no idea what the acronym stands for…) “Wrestlemania II”. And yes, I believe that name was used before…
-We are live and in color from I Have No Idea Where… Your commentators are Jim “Good Gawd Almighty” Ross and Jerry “I Took This Gig To Pay For Miss Kittys New Puppies” Lawler. They run down the show, using more acroynms than you can shake a stick at (“TLC! ECW! BLT, Hold the mayo! B & D!”. Okay, I made the last one up…)
-Opening Match: Mark Richman vs. Paco (Mojo-On-A-Pole Match)
Mojo is… a monkey. With his own fanclub and theme song. (Sung by Wierd Al… bonus points right there.) Al comes out to sing the entire song as the monkey gets an entrance Nick “God” Demola would be happy with. Possibly. Al joins the commentators as we finally get Richman and Paco out at ringside. (Paco gets the Red Hot Chilli Peppers to play him in. Richman gets nothing… pick the heel!) Flea and Kedis also join the (now-crowded) announce table. Finally, we’re off. Test-of-strength goes nowhere. Snap DDT is no-sold by Paco. He hits a snap suplex off the lock-up, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. Richman no-sells, and hits a fisherman suplex. Paco is up quick, but runs into a back bodydrop. Brainbuster is finally sold by Paco. Richman heads out for a chair, Paco goes for the TOP HAT OF MYSTERY. He blinds Richman with a handful of glitter and whacks him with his cane. Paco goes for the monkey, Richman drags him down. Brawling, before Richman locks in a sleeper hold. Paco rakes the eyes to escape, Richman bails. They stall awhile, as Paco sets up a chair. He eventually goes Sabu-istic, hitting a sweet springboard split-legged moonsault on the floor. They brawl on the outside. Richman works the leg, hitting the Fisherman Drop. Back inside, Paco retrieves the chair and waffles Richman on a criss-cross. A second shot drops Richman, Paco hits a low drop-kick, and goes up for a “Showdown” off the top. Paco tries to get Mojo, Richman recovers, dragging him down and piledriving him. They mat-wrestle briefly, Paco applies a figure-four. Richmam makes the ropes. Crawling out to the apron, he reverses it, turning it into a sharpshooter. Paco won’t give, so Richman drops off the apron with Paco still in the Sharpshooter. Okay, Ouch! On the floor, Richman finds a ladder. He sets it up against the pole and goes up. Paco hobbles over and simply flings himself at the ladder. The ladder falls backward, depositing Richman in a gaggle of senior citizens in the front row. (“STUNT GRANNIES! STUNT GRANNIES!”) Richman uses a walking frame as a weapon as he brawls with Paco on the outside. At the top of the ramp, a man in a monkey suit appears to watch the action. Oh, joy. Richman hits a reverse DDT on Paco as they return to the ring. Richman shoulderblocks him into the corner. Mojo falls off, Richman grabs him. He’s still tethered to the pole, so the match must continue. Members of the Humane Society might want to skip the next few sentences. Richman throws Mojo at Paco, who swats him away. They play tethermonkey for a few minutes. I’m not making this up. Mojo ends up entagled around the pole. Paco and Richman fight to the opposite corner. Richman hits a nice top-rope german as MonkeyMan saunters to ringside. DVD from Richman as the Monkee (Hey hey!) untangles Mojo and replaces him at the top of the pole. Richman nails Paco with the Twiztid (sic) Drop. He notices the ManMonkey and gets in his face. MonkeyBoy eventually chokeslams him, then hits a Pumphandle slam onto the chair. MysteryMonkey leaves as Paco hits the Bionic B!tchslap on Richman. Paco tries to retrieve Mojo again, but Richman finds Pacos cane and beats him down with it. (Way to sell MonkeyRun-In-Mans’ attack, Richman!) Richman gets another facefull of glitter, courtesy of Mojo this time. Paco hits the Red Light District on Richman, and finally unhooks Mojo for the win.
* Some okay spots, but way too convoluted and gimmicky. Only saved by some funny commentary from Al and The Chillis. At least no-one tried spanking the… oh, never mind.
-Deadly Dean (Not Douglas) (w/Shannon) vs Quick Killa (BLT Match)
In case you’re wondering, the BLT stands for Barbed wire, Lightbulbs and Tables. (Because BWLT wouldn’t make sense) Quick Killa gets Adam Bombs old pyro. He also does the Sandmans’ “smokes and beer” entrance. Beats ripping off Triple H, I guess. Staredown to start, protracted slugfest results. Dean gets the advantange, hitting a back elbow and snapmare. Leg-drop and it’s “DEAN! Get the tables!” time. Killa baseball slides it back into his face as he gets it in the ring. Rocker Dropper onto the table follows. Killa rolls Dean in, bringing the table in as well. He leg-sweeps Dean onto the table, then deposits him on the top buckle. Dean blocks the superplex and shoves Killa off. Leg-drop off the buckle for 2. Dean brings in the barbed-wire and a box of lightbulbs. Killa reverses a whip and spinebusts (Spinebusters?) Double D. He loops the wire around the ropes and rakes Deans face on it. DD blades. Snapmare gets 2. Killa tries another pin, also for 2. Killa sets up the table and tries a brainbuster. Dean flips over the table and rams Kellas head into it. Killa does a wussy bladejob. Dean hits a springboard missile dropkick over the table. He’s doing a .6 Muta and rising, incidently. The first lightbulb is used, with Dean breaking it on Killas head. Evenflow DDT gets 2. They lie around for a while, before Killa clotheslines Dean over the top to the floor. Brawling results. Killa sets up a second table in the ring. Dean makes it back in, walking into a belly-to-belly for 2. Killa misses a clothesline and tumbles out. Dean hits a body press to the outside. They lie around some more. Killa locks in the Sidewinder, Dean uses barb-wire to break the hold. Killa blades again. Back inside, Dean resorts to throwing lightbulbs at Killa, then schoolboys him for 2. Back suplex gets 2. Dean props a table in the corner, but goes through it himself as he misses a spear. They lie around some more, before Killa Rock Bottoms Dean onto a coil of wire. It gets 2. Killa starts some SUBSTANCE-ABUSING VIOLENCE, including wire-aided choking, then sets up Dean for a superplex. Dean blocks it, hitting a Deadly Drop through the table. As they lie around one more time, the Alliance of Violence run-in. (They include someone named “8-pac”… Is he two better than a six-pack?) Dean covers, but gets dragged out of the ring for a quick punking. Killa heads up as they roll him back in, hitting the Whiplash Moonsault for the 3-count.
3/4* Generic barb-wire brawl-for-all. I’m beginning to rate barb-wire almost as lowly as midget matches. And would a clean ending have killed anyone?
-Postmatch, Dean takes out his frustration by beating on Killa. Deans brother, Jean-Paul Datson runs-in to save Quick Killa. He proceeds to put Dean through a table with a reverse DVD. J.R goes completely “For the love of God!” on us, and all’s right with the world.
-Mike Hawke vs. ZZ (w/Jessica)
-Barbed Wire Ropes Match
Oh, super. Just after I finish watching one barb-wire fest, they give me another. Stall, stall, stall, punch, sudden clip, cut to Hawke tossing chairs, fire extinguishers and a cane into the ring. (Most of which is never used. Well, that was pointless.) Brawl, punch, chokeslam, punch, kick, suplex, whip into the wire, chairshots, repeat. Some gratuitous wire-blading later, they actually REPEAT the baseball-slide-into-the-table spot from the previous match. Brawl, wire-spot, lowblow, wire-spot, punch, token wrestling move, another wire-spot and I give the hell up and fast-forward. And fast-forward. And fast-forward. Who gave these guys that much time? Eventually after about three hours of stomach-churning violence, ZZ (not Top) wins it. With a small package. That sums that match up perfectly.
No Rating, as I just couldn’t sit through it. Barb-wire matches are now rating BELOW midget matches for me.
-Gimmick Battle Royal
Boy, this sounds somewhat familiar. Deja vue, maybe? The guest announcers are Jere and Tony Shivavone. I contemplate muting my TV. We get a Limp Bizkit showdown as Matt Elliot and Z-Train hit the ring and begin brawling. Volcano and Mr. Payne are next out, followed by Thug Life and Ghetto Thugsta, Almoore Dudley, Dave and Mike Hetfield, Big P and Corey D. Tony and Jere are either exchanging inside jokes, or they’re just talking shit at this point, as nothing they say is making any sense. Tardy Grapejuice Magee, Kevin Andrews, Ali Boulala, Bob, Ted and George, Hitler(!), Hawk and Jeremy, Phatman, The Undertaken, Tyson Styrker, Smash Halcomb and Chandler Taylor complete the line-up. The usual battle royal brawl-fest begins. Hitler is quickly eliminated. Big P follows thanks to Magee. Z-train backdrops Elliot out. Jeremy is tossed by Styrker. (or possibly Stryker.. or Stalker… it changes everytime Tony opens his mouth!) Andrews eliminates Mr. Payne, but stops to taunt him. Ali quickly eliminates Andrews. Styker hiptosses the Walking Lawsuit Phenom out, eliminating himself in the process. Schmuck. Grapejuice eliminates Ali and Z-Train by tossing Chandler at them. He also tosses Mike Hetfield. Blazerdevil, another ex-WTFL wrestler runs-in, eliminating Dave Hetfield. McGee tosses him out as swiftly as he arrived. Hawk puts a camel clutch on Corey D, and pays for this as Thug Life eliminates him. Volcano and Almoore double-team McGee, Corey D blindsides Volcano and tosses him. Almoore Dudley is also tossed out by Corey. Phatman is double-hiptossed out by the Gangstas. Ted turns on Bob to eliminate him. Ghetto Thug rolls out and sets up a table in the ring. He attempts to powerbomb Corey D through the table, Ted makes the save. Corey gets rid of Thug, then removes Ghetto as well. We’re down to George, McGee, Corey D. and Ted. They brawl awhile. Ted is laid out on the table, George hits a Superfly Splash from the top to put him through it. McGee gets eliminated after Corey D ducks a clothesline, then simply tosses Ted out. George wins it by mule-kicking Corey D and throwing him out.
No rating, as I don’t rate battle royals. Doubley so for Gimmick Battle Royals. I also rewound the tape three times to try to find out what the hell happened to Smash Halcomb, but no dice. He just seemed to vanish, mid-match. Great work from the crack production team there…
-WTFL Extreme Title Elimination Falls Count Anywhere Match (Everyone got that?)
-Ice vs. Tex vs. Maverick vs. Gabrial Storm vs. The Hot Shot vs. Biohazard vs. Evil Warrior vs. Gangsta Pranksta vs. EMPimp vs. Crudley
Ice comes in to this one as Extreme Champion. Big-ass all-in brawl to start. Storm and Maverick try some wrestling, but Tex says “None of that shit” and drop-kicks them out. Huge train-wreck sequence as half the participants are thrown out to fight on the floor. Even Good ol’ J.R can’t call the melee, and it’s too confused to recap, so I’ll just point out the highspots. Evil Warrior takes a rana through a table on the ramp. Maverick proves himself to be less than brilliant by breaking up Storms pin. (It’s elimination rules, moron!). He DDT’s Storm on a chair. Warrior, Tex and maverick fight up on the stage, with Warrior taking the Paul Wight-flight into the base of the Jumbotron. The Pimp and the Gangsta double-team Ice for awhile. Hot Shot makes it 3-on-1, nearly maiming Ice by blowing a bulldog. Pimp and Gansta eventually tire of Hot Shot and double-team the hell out of him. Amid the chaos, Crudley is dumped off the stage into a pile of boxes and pinned by Maverick. (“STUNT BOXES! STUNT BOXES!”) Storm takes a nasty bump, missing a leg-drop off the big screen onto the un-protected stage. There’s a good way to shorten a career. Biohazard proves no Rhode scholar either, breaking up Tex’s pin of Storm. Ice fights back against Pimp and Gansta, as Hot Shot blades off a chairshot. Ice applies a sharpshooter on E.M Pimp, Gangsta drop-kicks him to break it up. Ice and Gangsta brawl, E.M.P hits a springboard DDT for 2 on Ice. Outside, Evil Warrior sets up another table. The Cruel Hand of Irony sees him go through it courtesy of a Maverick Last Flight. Evil Warrior is pinned as a result. Tons more brawling, before Ice reverses a hurricanrana into a powerbomb on a chair to eliminate Pimp. The compulsary Hardcore Road Sign (“STOP” this time… I second that emotion!) gets involved, with Tex nailing Maverick with it. Ice eliminates Gangsta with an Ice Pick onto the ubiquitous steel chair. Hot Shot finally recovers from his chairshtot, and attacks Ice. Gabriel Storm prevents a pin. Hot Shot bumps around for Storm and Ice like a rag doll. Everyone’s hitting their signature moves by now, but due to rampant match-delaying tactics, no-one can get a pin without someone else breaking up the pin. Maverick even hits a “Nose Dive” jumping tombstone through the announce table (“STUNT TABLE! STUNT TABLE!”) and never bothers to pin Biohazard. Finally, Ice pins Big Tex with an Ice Pick. (sans chair this time.) More “I pin, you pull me off”, enter the hardcore Fire Extinguisher, Biohazard hits the Epitaph, putting Storm through a table. Storm is eliminated. Maverick continues the parade of Interestingly Named Finshers, eliminating Biohazard with a “Negative” off the top onto a *sigh* chair. Ice hits the Ice Pick for the third time, and Hot shot is gone.
We’re down to Maverick vs. Ice. Ice lowblows Maverick, and DDT’s him. He applies a sleeper, Maverick shakes him off. (“Like Tex said, none of that wrestling shit in my match!”) we go to chairshots, before ice hits an Ice Bomb onto the chair for 2. They brawl to the apron, Maverick hits a Speed Bomb off the apron through a table that was set up earlier in the match for the pin and title.
*1/4 for the spots. Confusing as hell to watch, although probably better for the live audience. I question the scheduling of this PPV. (2 barb-wire matches, then 2 clusterfucks. The word “Overkill” comes to mind.)
-Postmatch, J.R and The King get a new table. Just in case we haven’t seen enough get broken tonight, presumably.
-Kris Karnage vs. AK vs. Fusion
-First fall for the European title, second for the U.S belt.
Another recycled match idea. Karnage comes in as European Champ, AK holds the US strap. AK and Fusion are team-mates, and proceed to double-team Karnage from pillar to post. (Despite J.R’s suspicion of dissension in the ranks.) They hit a Doomsday Device-type manuever off the second turnbuckle, then make a wish using Karnages’ crotch. AK hits a drop toehold, Fusion drops an elbow on the back of Kris’ head. Legsweep/heel kick combo scores. They attempt a double flapjkack, Karnage reverses into a double DDT. Kris hits AK with a T-bone suplex, then a belly-to-belly on Fusion. He locks the Vegas Cloverleaf on Fusion. They tease a submission, before AK comes to the rescue. AK and Fusion resume the double-teaming, nailing a double reverse DDT. A nice combination follows, with AK hiting a “Pizza Delivery” (Hey,I just report the moves, I don’t name ’em, folks!) while Fusion holds Double-K in a suplex position. Flapjack/Undercurrent combination follows, as Karnage continues to play Ricky Morton superbly. Another devastating combination, this time a whellbarrow powerbomb/Cook County Crusher combo. Fusion applies the Hammerhead. Kris teases a submission, so AK drags Fusion off and covers Karnage. Fusion breaks up the cover. Needless to say, they exchange some heated words. Seeming satisfied, AK turns back to Karnage. Fusion lowblows AK and rolls him up for 2. The alliance breaks down, as they exchnage words, then some ALCATRAZ VIOLENCE! Fusion snap suplexes AK, then heads to the middle buckle. He delivers a 360 Faceplant for 2. Karnage, gets into the act, dragon suplexing Fusion as he rises, then slingshots at AK, who catches him and hits the Deathride. Nice! Karnage prevents a cover by double-arm DDT-ing AK for 2. Spinebuster and legrop gets 2. Karnage shows his skills by rolling from a Blackjack into a half-crab. Fusion bulldogs him to break the hold. Missile drop-kick on Karnage gets 2. Fusion tries a hurrincanrana, AK blocks and clotheslines Fusion to the floor, then heads up to hit a bodyblock on the outside. They brawl on the outside. AK leaves Fusion laying and returns to the ring. 2K (I like that… it beats typing Karnage every time!) fights out of a German suplex attempt, but gets caught in a Northern Lights for 2. 2K reverses a whip but drops his head. AK sunset flips him, 2K rolls through into the Cloverleaf. AK crawls to the ropes to break. 2K deposits AK on the top and hits a Non-PC Named suplex for 2. AK hits a jawbreaker and attempts the KarmelloPlex. (No shortage of signature moves in THIS federation…) 2K powers out and shoves Ak into Fusion, knocking him back to the floor. He hits a nice overhead belly-to-belly and Vegas Neckbreaker on AK for 2. Fusion breaks the count and hits a Wipeout for 3 and the European Title.
Fusion tries to cover Karnage again, but is told he must wait out a 30-second rest period. He hits a Whirlpool on AK (Enough with the funkily named moves, already!) for 2. Fusion goes to the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF MILD DISCOMFORT! 2K recovers, and applies a Million Dollar Dream on Fusion. A mule kick gets Fusion out quickly enough, but is backdropped from a piledriver attempt. Spear and FISTS OF FIRE from 2K. He sets Fusion up for the Jackpot (a back superplex, it appears) but AK ballshots 2K for the second time in two minutes and hits some sort of reverse snapmare-ish thing. The alliance surfaces again, as Fusion hits a 450 splash. They hit the “Riptide” slingshot-to-clothesline. DVD from AK. AK and Fusion hit a nice powerbomb/neckbreaker move, before Fusion ups the Funky Names Quota with the “Killing Joke”. They set 2K up for the “Pressure Drop” (Okay, enough is enough, guys!) before Rawkus King walks in. He’s 2K’s archenemy, apparently. (Is that a swerve I smell?). He proceeds to chairshot AK and Fusion. (Yup, I was right) So he doesn’t feel left out of the Named Move Festival, Rawkus gives Fusion the “No Boundaries” on the outside, as AK recovers enough to hit the KarmelloPlex on 2K. 2K kills that particular moves heat by kicking out at 2. AK heads up for a moonsault, but 2K catches him and finishes with a Jackpot for the U.S title.
**3/4 Good enough three-way match. The run-in seemed excess to requirements, but a solid effort all round.
-Sitruk hits the ring to complain that he doesn’t have a match. And complain he does, incessantly. Finally, Nightmare arrives to shut him the hell up. And so we have;
-Sitruk vs. Nightmare
Punches and clotheslines abound for the early going, before they trade suplexes. More punching and clotheslining, Sitruk gets 2 off a bearhug slam and elbowdrop. Nightmare hits a hangmans neckbreaker and chokes Sitruk. Whip is reversed, clothesline in the corner, and Sitruk resorts to choking this time. Sitruk ducks yet another clothesline and DDT’s Nightmare. Nightmare sells it for abput three seconds, then reverse DDT’s Sitruk. Leg drop gets 2. Axe kick, backbreaker and sidewalk slm get 2. Running powerslam and elbow drop get 2. Sirtuk turns the tide, leg-sweeping Nightmare as he intimidates the ref. Full nelson slam and headbutt from Sitruk. He drops the head and gets DDT’d for 2. Nightmare hits an Avalanche, then risks a lawsuit with an “OLD SKOOL” ropewalk. He follows up with by doing Kanes’ top-rope clothesline for 2. What next, will someone arrive with an urn? Well, actually, it’s a chokeslam. (aka “The Cataclysm”) It gets 2. Nightmare decides to chokeslam the referee, Sitruk makes the save with a ballshot. Release German suplex and tilt-a-whirl gets 2.Belly-to-belly and gorilla press from Sitruk. Powerbomb follows. Sirtuk obviously decides its time to add to the Calvacade of Named Moves, and hits an Agonizer and an Incessant Drop. They get 2. They do the double Big Boot KO. Both men rise eventually, Nightmare is clotheslined out. The Most Obvious Rip-Off In Sports Entertainment lands on his feet, of course. They brawl on the outside. Nightmare uses the stairs, until he hits the ringpost on a blind charge. Sitruk “borrows” the Finks chair, but the ref swipes it. That’s a first tonight. Nightmare uses the stairs again, then delivers the Eradicator off the apron. Cue Run-In man (Wolf this time) who slides a chair to Sitruk and distracts the ref. Sirtuk chairshots Nightmare, hits the Incessant Drop on the chair and hits a top-rope splash that caves in the corner of the ring. The 3-count is a formality.
1/2* If I wanted to see Big Show/Kane XXXIV, I would have asked. And that’s a shoddy as hell ring to collapse with one Big-ass Splash….
-Mad (Not Road) Dogg(w/Cathy) vs. Right (Not Kurt) Angle
-“Confusing as Hell” ladder match. (Lawlers’ words, not mine…)
The stips… climb a ladder to retrieve a color-coded card. Once you have the card, you may legally pin your opponent or make him submit. Everyone clear on this one? Good. Wrestling sequence to start, both men end up on the floor. Brief brawl, Mad Dogg drops Angle with a roundhouse kick. Missile drop-kick, MD sets up the ladder. He returns to Angle and gets Superkicked. Angle backdrops Dogg onto the ladder, then tosses him out. RA goes up, Madd Dogg relieves Lillian Garcia of her chair and heads in. They need to get her and The Fink some beanbags or something, they’re spending more time on the floor than a carpet-layer! MD blasts the ladder, knocking both it and Angle over the ropes. They brawl on the floor, with Angle turning a top-rope Doggensteiner into a major powerbomb. A second ladder comes out. Madd Dogg intercepts Angle halfway up and chairshots him. Slightly awkwed spot as Angle blocks a German suplex off the ladder and legsweeps MD instead. Madd Doggy Dogg DDT’s Angle and goes up, Angle dragon screws him off the top. Angle goes up, Cathy runs-in and dropkicks the ladder over. Madd Dogg heads out for a table. He sets up both ladders with the table between, then climbs one. He reaches the card, Angle knocks away his ladder, leaving him hanging. He reaches the other ladder, so Angle takes that one as well. MD finally falls through the table after Angle wallops him with the ladder. Angle hangs Dogg in the corner and blades him on camera. Angle goes up, Madd Dogg spears the ladder. Angle returns to the arena floor in a hurry, Madd Dogg heads up to retrieve his card. Right Angle is right up, and hits the Right Angle on Dogg. Right. He hits the Heroic Dive. Madd Dogg covers him for 2. Angle hits a spinebuster, everyone rests. Angle with a neckbreaker, then a chairshot as Madd Dogg tries to spear him while Cathy distracts. Ugly spot as Angle tries for his card, but is knocked off. He tries to land on his feet, and doesn’t. Messy. Cathy finds a wooden sword(?) under the ring and passes it to MD. He uses it on Angle, then uses the WALK OF JUSTICE! (A ropewalk rana) It gets 2. Angle hits the Other Angleslam (well, J.R called it the Olympic Slam, but I believe that’s taken…) and finally gets his card, nearly breaking both knees in the process. (Someone show this man how to safely jump off a ladder, stat!) He covers for 2. He whips MD at the ladder. Backflip-crossbody off the ladder gets 2 for the Dogg. Chairshot gets 2. Fameasser and Swanton off the top of the ladder gets 3 for Madd Dogg.
*3/4 Typically overbooked TLC-ish spotfest. Clean finish, at least.
I head into the second tape of this HUGE Pay-Per-View.
-Handicap Dumpster Match: Mixx defeated The Duo of Comedy.
No recap, as I took a brisk walk to gather fresh supplies. Xenomorph rated it as 1-and-a-half Molsons. I’m not sure if that was indicative of quality, or just the length of the match.
-ECW Title match: Wolf vs. Fallout
The winner gets the vacant ECW title, (Probably purchased at Paul E’s yard sale) the loser gets fired. Can either of those results be considered positive? Staredown leads to fisticuffs, Fallout gets the early advantage. Wrestling sequence as they trade 1-counts. Wolf tries to work the arm, Fallout bails. Back in, Fallout uses the kness, getting 2 off a kneedrop. He whips Wolf chest-first to the ropes and rhits a nice relaese German. Fallout attempts the Diamond Dust off the buckle, Wolf escapes, hitting a neck snap. He chokes and hits some elbows, then tries for another armbar. Fallout escapes, they tie up once more. Snap suplex gets 2 for Wolf. DUBLIN VIOLENCE and DDT gets 2. He telegraphs a drop-toehold, Fallout hits a senton. Superplex is blocked, Wolf hits a sunset bomb. Flying headbutt leads to a double KO. Fallout gets a Military Cutter for 2. Michinoku Driver scores, but Fallout misses a tope atomico. Wolf covers for 2. They head out to brawl. Fallout accidently chairshots the ringpost. Wolf grabs the chair and puts it upside of Wolfs head. Back inside, another flying headbutt gets 2 for Wolf. They trade chops, leading to a double Flair Flop. Cute. Fallout hits an EXPLODAH for 2. Wolf escapes the Emerald Frosion, but runs into an Exit Wound for 2. Fallout goes EXPLODAH Crazy, hitting four in a row. For 2.5! LARIATOOO.. sorry, wrong country for that one… Lariat and moonsault gets 2.5! The match loses some cohesion until Wolf hits a slingshot splash from the apron. He works the arm, Fallout breaks, gets caught in the hold again, before bodyslamming Wolf to break again. Fallout turns to mutliple chairshots and re-attempts the Exit Wound. Wolf reverses to a swinging DDT onto a chair for the pin.
*** An ECW match that was watchable? Incredible. And not a broken table in sight… Refreshing! -Postmatch, Wolf sportingly helps Fallout up. Fallout responds with a not-so-friendly superkick in the face. He swears revenge-by-proxy, as it just so happens that Nightmare is his brother. Well, wrestling’s not called the Male Soap Opera for nothing, kids…
-Sweet Candy vs. The Freebirds vs. Malicious Intent.
The tag straps are hanging over the ring for this one. However, Malicious Intent also bring belts to the ring. Nice planning there… Stalk-and-staredown before all heck breaks loose. Sweet Candy get double-teamed and tossed out. They go for ladders as a whole lotta brawlin’ takes place inside. Malicious Intent are whipped into a ladder Sweet Candy are holding. SC then uses the same ladder to bullrush The Freebirds. Meanstreak of Malicious Intent is whipped into a ladder set up in the corner, Eye Candy hits an avalanche on him. He’s immediatly hit with a Freebird double clothesline as SdW and Aggonizer brawl to the outside. The Freebirds up the ante by simply throwing two ladders at Eye Candy. They set Meanstreak up for a Gravedigger onto the ladder, but Aggonizer makes the save for his partner with a chair. Meanstreak turns the Gravedigger into a facejam on the ladder. The Freebirds are rolled out, and Malicious Intent brawl with Eye Candy. The hit a spiked piledriver, then a nice move as Aggonizer press-slams Meanstreak out onto both Freebirds. SdW backjumps Aggonizer, and rams him back-first into a chair-loaded turnbuckle. Eye Candy lays a ladder on the mat, Aggonizer takes a snap suplex onto it. Eye Candy heads up and delivers the AIR CANADA to Aggonizer, who’s still on the ladder. Meanstreak drags Eye Candy out to join the brawl-for-all as SdW tries for the belts. Silent Assasin catches him, belly-to-back suplexing him off the ladder. Aggonizer slides in and pounds on Assasin. Gimmicky spot as Aggonizer drags SA up to the top of a ladder and attempts to superplex him. SA shoves him off and hits the Assassination instead. Tables come out as the other four brawl on the floor. Eye Candy returns to the ring to chairshot Assassain and Aggonizer. Eye Candy sets up a table, oblivious to the fact that X is mounting the buckle behind him. He drills the Last Rites onto a chair Eye Candy is stooping to pick up in a clever spot. Everyone bar X heads out to brawl as he climbs the ladder, chair in hand. SdW comes in to stop him, but eats a VanXinator off the ladder. X goes up again, Eye Candy climbs the oppposite side of the ladder. The slug it out, Eye Candy falls off, ricochets off the ropes and knocks the ladder over. X literally bounces off the top ropes on his way to the floor. Insane! Eye Candy sets up a ladder by the ropes as the brawl continues on the outside. He proceeds to hit the “G-Spot” (I’m not touching THAT joke, people!) moonsault onto X and Aggonizer. (J.R called that one “deaf defying”. Pardon?) Meanstreak tries for the belts, Silent Assassin stops that with a reverse DDT from halfway up. He hits a spinning belly-to-belly, then a chair-assisted leg-drop. SA goes for the gold, but is cut off by SdW. Eye Candy sets up a table, and sdW delivers the Sweet Dreams, sending SA through the woodwork. Eye Candy heads up, Meanstreak upends the ladder and EC’s face bounces off the buckle. Outside, X plays possum long enough to chairshot aggonizer, then sets up a table. Inside, EC gets slingshot (Slingshotted? Slungshot? Anyway…) into a ladder, before taking Meanstreaks “Blackout” (ala the TKO) onto a chair. Meanstreak heads up, then notices X is about to splash Aggonizer through a table from the apron. In a suicidal move, Meanstreak jumps clear over the top rope, hitting a bulldog on X, putting him through the wood as Aggonizer rolls clear! Okay, either drugtest that man, or give him a bonus! Sweet Candy have set up three ladders side-by-side and head up. Malicious Intent follow on the other side. They brawl at the top, Malicious Intent hit their signature finishers (collectivly know as “Prognosis: Negaative” from the top. Things slow down a bit as everyone takes a quick time-out. They repeat the “someone bends over to get a chair and gets nailed” spot from earlier, with Aggonizer taking a rocker-dropper from Silent Assassin. SA then hits a nice double-underhook gutbuster on Meanstreak and adrop toehold onto a chair. He heads up, Eye Candy springboards off a chair and hits a Candy Cane. EC goes up, only to be nailed with a chair by X. He then drills Aggonizer through two chairs with an X-Bomb. (Sounds like a Tom Jones number… “X-bomb, X-Bomb… you’re my x-bomb…”) X sets SdW up for a superplex, Meanstreak lowblows him, then takes the Interestingly Named Moves Factor to 10 with the “Painkiller”. Silent Assassin T-bones Eye Candy out of the ring as Meanstreak tries for the titles. SdW goes to the top, hitting a missile dropkick as Meanstreak reaches the top. And down will come Meanstreak, ladder and all. X reverses SdW’s “Sweetner” into a full-nelson chokeslam. Eye Candy hits a nice moonsault off the ringsteps on the outside, nailing Silent Assassin as X lays SdW on a table. Eye Candy chases him up, hooking the Candy-Leaf submission hold on top of the ladder. SA has brought some garbage into the ring, so we brawl. SA heads up and manages to make Eye Candy releases the hold. He hits the Silent Night (Facebuster-ish type move) off the ladder. They lay around awhile, before SdW opens up an Ominous Black Bag. Its… barbed wire. Well, there goes half a star right there… He hits a “Sweetener” on SA onto the wire. As SsW slooowly rises, Malicious Intent hit the “Seal of Approval” (Huh?) sideslam/legdrop combo. They set up a table and prepare to put Eye Candy through it with the “Days End”. Aggonizer decides to spike the ball by carrying EC up the ladder for extra height. EC nearly steals the match by grabbing the belts, before swiveling around on Aggonizers shoulders and hitting a beautiful hurricanrana through the table. For an encore, EC lands on his feet and dumps Meanstreak over the top with a fall-away slam. Outside, X sets up a table and sprinkles it with a bagfull of thumbtacks for good measure. Cruel Irony intervenes, as his 2nd rope powerbomb is turned into a facejam through the wood instead. The spots continue as Sweet Candy stack up two tables. Their powerbomb attempt on Meanstreak is foiled thanks to Aggonizer and a steel chair. Mr ASSassin is up. He avoids Aggonizers blind charge and sets up a pile of wire and thumbtacks. Aggonizer takes a Gravedigger onto it. Bladejobs abound, naturally. We appear to be setting up for the Big Finale, as Silent Assassin and Eye Candy are fighting on a table/ladder scaffold-type arrangement. The result is a bizzare visual as SA locks a sharpshooter on high above the ring. Meanstreak heads up, and simply tosses SA all the way to the floor, passing through two tables en route. To top it, he delivers the Event Killer, putting Eye Candy and himself through the table. And we’re back to Brawlapalooza ’01. Five minutes later, X puts SdW through a glass-pane covered table with the Express, Meanstreak dives off a 20-foot ladder and Silent Assassin snags the belts after a gmmicky-as-hell ladder transfer spot. **** For the highspots and the effort put forth by all 6 men. But there were some over-used spots and in all fairness, it just dragged near the end. Sometimes, you have to know when to quit.
-Triple Threat Hell In a Cell Intercontinental Title Match
-Adrenaline vs. Bensino (w/Xtasy) vs. Double H
Double H? Once again, we’re one letter away from legal action… The first hour and a half or so (or so it seemed) can be summed up as “An Itchy and Scratchy” match. (They fight, and fight, and fight and fight and fight…) Garbage comes out. Ballshots and chairshots and tables, oh my. The Cool Named Moves parade goes into it’s third hour. (“Decline! The Devils Spiral! The Conspiricy! The Squeaky Rubber Nipple”!… PS: One of those I made up… can you guess which one?) They brawl inside, they brawl outside, they brawl on top of the cage, Double Aitch breaks the announce table, out comes the barbwire 2×4, the ladder, the thumbtacks and the FRICKING SLEDGEHAMMER! Bensio takes a horrific bump off the top of the ladder (On top of the cage, of course) into the fans, (“STUNT FANS! STUNT FANS!”) and Triple.. sorry, *Double* H (No relation) wins it with the Dream Crusher after 48 hours of the usual tedium.
Rating? Hey, the PPV has been going for nearly 3 hours and 40 minutes at this stage, with one match to go… I’m WAY beyond rating this match. (Although I’m considering an automatic DUD rating for any subsequent matches that involve a sledgehammer.)
-Main Event: World Title No DQ Iron Man Match.
-Kid Sampson vs. Jake Ellis
IRON MAN? IRON MAN? After a PPV this long, they end with an Iron Man match? Okay, deep breath.. Steel yourself, Keith… okay, here we go…
Kid Sampson wins 3 falls to 2. The final fall is made with the Grandmother of All Contrived Ladder and Table spots with 4 seconds left.
What’s that you say? I cheated? Yeah, but it’s my website and I reserve the right to cheat to save my sanity… I’d say it loked about ** or ***-ish, but at this point, I just don’t have the stamina to watch it all…
The Bottom Line: Well, they went for it big-time. They aimed for a Supercard, but ultimatly, they simply redefined the term “Overblown”. Sometimes, less is more, people. The gimmick battle royal, Monkey Madness and Sitruk/Nightmare could have been dumped and this show would have actually risen in my opinion. The other thing that hurt… so many recycled ideas. (Including the name… bad start right there!) At times I felt I was watching a WWF Retro show, as I could name the matches the spots originally came from. And lay off the barb-wire already!
Still, some good matches in the middle of the card. But in the end, there was enough here for TWO shows… and perhaps that would have been a better idea.
Thumbs in the middle.