Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for World Wrestling Revolution’s “Pain For Pleasure”
Back to the Big Bag o’ Videos we go, Schmucksters! Next up in the alphabet soup of wrestling federations, the WWR. (World Wrestling Revolution) The PPV is entitled “Pain For Pleasure”… hopefully that doesn’t mean a “Bondage and Discipline” match!
-We are LIVE from… an arena. Where exactly the arena is, I’m still unsure. Dave “The Doctor” Tyler and Andrew Williams are in the booth. They hype the title matches and we’re off!
Matthew Sheldon vs Daz Doyle
Doyle hails from Iran, rather than Dublin as his name suggests. He also outweights Sheldon by 200lbs or so. He overpowers Sheldon from the lock-up and armdrags him. Sheldon comes right back, avoiding a clothesline and dropkicking him. Doyle Germans the hell out of Sheldon for 2, then adds a back suplex and slam for 2 more. Sheldon ranas Doyle and dropkicks again. A nice springboard swinging DDT and bulldog by Sheldon before he misses the Swanton. Doyle demonstartes a few more suplex variants, then hits the post on a blind charge. Top-rope neckbreaker and Swanton get the pinfall for Sheldon. Abbrieviated, though technically sound. *1/2 Felt like an exhibition match to showcase the newbie in Sheldon.
-A few promos for WWR events and affiliates are screened. Plus a spot for Durex. Classy.
Vanessa vs Cassandra Hardy vs Trixie Jordan vs Karolyn Rox
This is presumably for the WWR Womans strap, although Tylers generic set-up makes it difficult to know for sure. The ladies pair up from the bell, unleashing some JORDAN-STYLE PHYSICAL INTENSITY! Rox snap suplexes Vanessa before it all goes somewhat BONZO GONZO. Hardy and Vanessa team up, hitting a bulldog and Backdrop on Jordan and Rox respectivly. Hardy moonsaults Rox for 2, Jordan crossbodies Vanessa for 2. Jordan is clotheslined out by Hardy as Rox gives Vanessa the “On The Rox” springboard hurricanrana for 2. Marc Hardy abrubtly runs-in to chairshot his sister, then beats her with it in full view of the ref. Sibling rivalry can be vicious, folks.) Swanton bomb (The WWR move du jour) follows, before Hardy bullies Rox into covering for the title. That’s some interesting booking there. Not GOOD booking, but interesting. 1/4* A scattershot match with a bad ending. At least it was short.
-More WWR promos, plus a sarcsatic shill for the Fozzy album. Nice to see WWR is blaming it’s falling ratings on its lacklusture roster. Creative HAS to find a scapegoat, huh?
Shakattack vs “Solid Gold” Scott Parker (Pink Slip on a Pole Match)
Loser of this one gets the boot for WWR. Shak has taken the Cheat to Win approach, locking Parker in his locker room. (Can a match actually start with only one man in the ring, you ask? In WWR, aparently so.) However, we get a run-in(!!) as Shak climbs the turnbuckle. It’s Shaun Hews, a WWR debutante. Any potential heat he might get is instantly killed by Shak, who reverses a superplex into a Spinng Sumbrero(sic) and grabs the slip. DUD
-Backstage, a Memphis Daniels interview gets interrupted by Python. Fisticuffs ensue. Simon Masters also arrives, triggering a three-way pull apart brawl.
Marc Hardy vs Shane “Plainly” Insane (North American Title Ladder Match)
The long-lost Hardy Boy gets the upper hand early, nailing a dropkick and crisp snap suplex. He goes up early, Insane hits a pop-up superplex and brings in the ladder. (Did they only book the arena for ninety minutes, or something?) Hardy lands a pescado, down goes Insane, ladder and all. Hardy sets up the ladder, so Insane brings in another one. Which he hurls at Hardys exposed back. Ouch. He makes a Hardy-wich on steel, hold the mayo, then makes a try for the belt. Hardy upends it, depositing Insane on the top rope. Brainbuster DDT and leapfrog legdrop from Hardy. Insane practically no-sells it, chasing Hardy to the top of a ladder. Suplex from the top, Insane one-ups himself by no-selling his OWN offense as well. Hardy blades off a ladder-to-the-kisser, then hits a dropkick as Insane charges blind. He clotheslines Insane out and finds the 15-FOOT LADDER OF SUICIDAL INSANITY. And a table. If you guessed the Hardy knock-off throws a Swanton Bomb from up there, give yourself a cookie. (I called the spot in 0.0004 of a second.) Hardy climbs as Cassandra Hardy makes the reltalitory run-in, yanking the ladder away. Hardy hangs around for a while, before the belt pops open and deposits the new champ in a heap below. ** Pretty much followed the generic ladder match script spot-for-spot, though technically sound.
-More adverts. Glow in the dark tampons, huh? Great if your ovaries want to read at night…
-Meanwhile, Stevie Y wierds out Criminal while cutting a promo in the bathroom. As you do.
Criminal (w/Manuel) vs Ricky Storm (WWR TV Title Match)
Storm jumps the gun (And the ropes), hitting a beautiful springboard hurricanrana on the floor. Moonsault from the apron and a Springboard legdrop get 2 before Manuel drags him off. Storm chases him, running into the boot of Criminal as he rounds the corner. Back inside, an elbowdrop gets 2, as does a powerbomb. A second looks to end it, but Criminal makes the classic Heel Error of picking him up. He sends Manuel up for a swandive headbutt, once again, right in front of the ref. (DQ’s don’t seem to feature heavily in WWR. If at all.) Convict hits the Conviction to retain. Nice to see the commisioner killing Storms push stone dead in the water. DUD
-Meanwhile, Shaun Hews meets the Prototype, who shoves him through a wall. Hews is having QUITE the Pay-Per-View debut.
Simon Masters vs Python vs Memphis Daniels (WWR Championship Cage Match)
Escape-to-win rules are in effect, so Daniels takes a powder as the other two lock up. Masters powerbombs him off the cage, then spinebusts Python INTO it. Python wins “No-Seller of the Month”, rising to back suplex Masters. He puts a figure-four armlock on Masters, allowing Daniels to head up again. Python chases him to the top and suplexes him back to the mat. Masters tries to climb, Python drags him off too. He heads topside, launching a moonsault from the top of the cage onto Masters. Daniels manages to prevent Python no-selling by using the SIT-OUT PILEDRIVER OF DEATH AND AGONY! Daniles climbs out unopposed to retain. *1/2 for the moonsault. Too bad the rest of the match was pretty pointless.
-Postmatch, Commisioner Criminal takes a phonecall about a new signing and we’re out.
The Bottom Line: Nothing offensive, but not much sizzle for a pretty small serving of steak. (Damn, that metaphor sounded a lot better in my head…) Most matches were first-hour RAW quality, with a couple of ego-boosting squashes (I’m looking at YOU, Mr Commisioner!) having no place on a PPV. There’s potential here, but it’s up to them to rise above the mediocre standard of this one.
Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.