The "Not" Keith Retro Rant for EWI OutRage 2001 Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Retro Rant for Elite Wrestling Isolation’s OutRage 2001!

Okay, let’s continue with the parade of Pay-Per-Views, as the recommendations are starting to pile up! This one is from the Elite Wrestling Isolation, which began earlier this year. Their “Visionquest” PPV was a great first effort, with solid, well-booked matches. Can they continue this trend? Let’s find out as we experience EWI’s “OutRage”!

-We are live from Madison Square Gardens! (I hope no-one’s in my favourite seat!) The opening titles show a video package leading up to the Scotty Phillips/Mr Sandman Main Event.

-Commisioner Foxx arrives to plug the matches and pep up the crowd. President Palcis arrives to draw some heat.

-Your commetators are Chris Alexander and Matt Roth. They plug the matches. OutRage is the EWI’s equivalent to WCW’s “Uncensored” (Now, there’s a scary thought) in having all gimmick and hardcore matches. The opener is a Dome of Hell match to determine the #1 contender for the Hardocre title. The Hardcore champ Brian Edison is guest referee.

Dome of Hell Match: Johhny Sinclair vs. Don “The King” Chambers vs. David Laursen vs. Tyrone Street

The rules stipulate that one man must climb a barb-wire wrapped ladder out of the Dome to win. Sinclair and Laursen pair off on one side of the ring, Street and Chambers on the other. Tyrone chops away at Chambers as Laursen hits a lying back elbow on Sinclair. Waist-lock is reversed, and Laursen gets dumped to the floor. He hides a garbage can lid, and whops Sinclair from the apron with it. Sinclair is suplexed over the top. Street is dumped out at the same time. Chambers jumps Laursen from behind, hitting with a move I’ve never seen before. Sinclair hits a full-nelson slam on Chambers and breaks a 2-by-4 over his back. He gouges Chambers with it, for our first bladejob of the night. (Admittedly, a minor one, maybe a .001 Muta.) Laursen steals the 2×4 and uses it on Sinclair. Sinclair takes a whip into the wire-wrapped cage. Street tosses Laursen into the ring , as well as an assortment of garbage. He also slides in the ladder. He brawls with Laursen, hitting a double-handed chokebomb. He attempts to whip him into the ladder, but Cruel Irony intervenes as Laursen drop-toeholds him onto the bottom rung. Street shows Chmapbers how a man blades. Laursen begins to climb, so Sinclair rolls in and chairshots him. Sinclair sets up the chair as Chambers rolls in. Sinclair takes a cringe-inducing back suplex, smacking the back of his head on the open chair en route. Street and Chambers brawl. Street wins the slugfest and sets up a table. He sets up Laursen for a powerbomb, but Laursen lowblows him and hits a rockerdropper. Chambers and Sinclair rise at this stage. Chambers crotches Sinclair with a broomstick, then snaps it over his back. He German suplexes Laursen as Street begins to climb. Chambers stops him mid-way and a temporary alliance is formed. Laursen becomes the recipient of a Street powerbomb through the table. Sinclair pops up and recieves a spinebuster from Street, landing on that darn chair again. Chambers dissolves the alliance by by slapping the Kings Crossface on Street. Sinclair breaks it up and scampers up the ladder. Chambers pushes it over, dumping Sinclair. He heads up himself, grabbing the wire and bleeding hardway from the hand in the process. Laursen drags him down. They roll out and exchange international object shots. They both no-sell the shots, then hit each other at the same time for a double Flair Flop. Cute spot. Street has set up a table on the floor. He brawls with Sinclair, getting leveled in the process. Sinclair then tries to escape the Dome, with Street in hot pursuit. As they reach the top, Chambers up-ends the ladder, sending both over the top into the woodwork. Chmabers climbs to the top of the dome, but get hung up on the wire. Laursen catches him at the top. They brawl, with Laursen hitting the Hell Raiser on Chambers. Street climbs up to the ladder. At the top, he spikes himself and accidently knocks the ladder over. He hangs on gamely, until Laursen kicks him off. Street takes a wicked bump to the mat as Laursen climbs down for the win. Edison congratualtes him.

**3/4 Good opener, nicely paced. Had the potential to be an overblown mess if handled badly.

-Backstage, Jake Navaja talks with Mallory Toliver. He’s going to be keeping a close eye on the light-heavyweight match, it seems.

Fyre vs. Slogan (Cage Match)

After two draws in sucession, this is the blow-off match for these two. Slogan goes after Fyre straight away, pummeling and tossing him. Fyre sets up a table, so Slogan creeps up on him. He rams Fyres head on the table and the ringpost. Fyre fights back, jachammering Slogan through the table. Pin attempt gets 2. Back inside, a second table is set up against the corner. Slogan is whipped through the table, and takes 8 on the buckle. Blind charge misses, Fyre shoulders the post. Slogan blows a powerbomb and works the leg. He heads up, but is low-blowed and superplexed for 2. Fyre crotches Slogan on the top rope and clotheslines him to the floor. Whip to the steps is reversed. Slogan whips Fyre into the cage door, which is not locked. Fyre ends up outside the cage. They brawl on the outside, with slogan taking a bulldog into the cage wall. Fyre climbs the outside of the cell. Sloagan follows him to the roof. They fight on the roof. Back suplex from Fyre. Slogan’s DDT is blocked, and Fyre hits a Northern Lights on him. Powerbomb on the mesh. Slogan rolls off a section of the cage just before it gives way. Fyre drags Slogan to the resultant hole. Slogan does the superman comeback, hitting a Detroit Flip. Fyre takes a man-sized bump to the mat. The three-count is a formality.

*3/4 Not bad, but too similar to a few other high-profile Cell matches I could name.

Dust To Dawn (Black Dawn and Sunset Kid)vs. The Hangmen (Big Ben and Bambu Khadafi) (Tag Team Championship)

Pier-sixer right from the opening bell as all four men fight to the floor. Bodies and fans go flying as they brawl into the stands. Why do I smell a balcony jump coming up? Sunset Kid is the first to throw a chairshot, and nearly demolishes the first row of chairs with a lawsuit-inducing flying clothesline. Black Dawn gets a DDT through the announcers table. The action quickly spills backstage. Typical hradcore brawling results as they play among the garbage cans. Sunset Kid hits a Diamond Cutter on Khadafi. Khadafi sells this for about ten seconds before hitting a reverse DDT on Dawn. The Hangmen put Black Dawn through a table with “The Hanging” (A double DVD) to retain.

DUD Ugly, ugly brawl. at least it was short. Even the commentators had nothing to say about it.

-Backstage, Brian Edison asks Bad Brad Shaw and Don Chambers to join the Extreme Icons. They accept.

Kamikazi vs Justin Rivera (No DQ Light-Heavyweight Title match)

Rivera comes in to this one as champion. They brawl off the bell into the leapfrog sequence, with Rivera dropping for a monkey-flip. Kamikazi cleverly turns it into a wheel-barrow drop instead. Springboard elbow-drop follows, but Kamkiazi hits the boot on a blind charge. Rivera heads up for a dazzling corkscrew plancha. Kamkizi ducks a spinning heel kick and nails a vicious enziguri. Two snap legdrops from Kamikazi. He attempts a flapjack, but Rivera somehow pulls out a drop-kick instead. Wow! Rivera demonstartes a few armdrags, then backdrops Kamikazi to the floor. Somersault tope scores. The crowd is hotter than hell for this one. Kamikzi lays in some chops as they rise and hits a spinning back kick. Springboard asai moonsault gets 2 on the floor. (I’m assuming it’s also falls count anywhere…) Another back kick sends Rivera into the fans. Kamikazi hits a drop-kick off the railing as they head into the stands. They walk and brawl briefly, before Rivera hits a frankensteiner on the floor and chairshots Kamikazi. Piledriver on the concrete. Rivera drapes the chair over Kamikazis’ face and proceeds to hit a suicidal legdrop from the next level of seating! No cover, and they hit the concession stand. Rivera smashes a beer bottle over Kamikazis’ head. He blades. Rivera drags him to a VIP balcony. Jake Navaja arrives to attack both men, before tossing Rivera off the balcony. He takes the Shane McMahon stunt-fall to the (hopefully, well-padded) stage. To add to the “Holy Shit” factor, Kamikazi lives up to his name with a 810 (! Yes, 2 1/2 revolutions… I checked in slow-mo) splash for the 3-count.

***3/4 The match could have been just as good without the huge, risky bump, but you have to give the fans what they want, I suppose.

Vanity ShowWood vs Ryan Billups (Inferno Cage Match)

A flaming cage? Oooo-kay… I’d love to have heard the conversation between the promoters and the local fire saftey representatives. Also, HHH’s lawyers will be wanting a word with ShowWood for stealing his music, I think. He charges into a drop toe-hold and we go to a headlock sequnce. Nice old-school spot as ShowWood hits a back suplex, but Billups maintains the headlock. ShowWood blocks a DDT and backdrops Billups to the floor. Clothesline off the apron. Billups blocks a whip to the cage but gets eyegouged. He meets the steps. ShowWood beats on him and they tease some whips to the cage, before the action retuns to the ring. Vanity goes up and gets crotched on the top. He blocks a supexplex and shoves Billups down before hiting a kind of half-assed spear off the top. Billups reverses a whip and hits the Orange Goblin boot and leg-drop. He whips ShowWood to the turnbuckle and charges. Vanity pulls the ref in to block. Billups, ever the nice guy, puts on the brakes, allowing Vanity to blindside him. Cradle piledriver and we’re back to the floor. He tries to ram Billups into the cage, but it’s blocked. Billups tries a powerbomb, Vanity lands on his feet. Standing drop-kick knocks ShowWood back, and he accidently sets his boot on fire trying to avoid hitting the cage.

*1/3 Odd gimmick match with an anti-climatic ending. Hey, I think I just described every Inferno match to date!

-Backstage, Brian Edison inivties Mr Sandman to join the Extreme Icons. Sandman declines politely.

“The Nemesis” Kaven Crowe vs. YJKeady

If anyone knows how to pronounce “YJKeady”, please drop me a line. (Y. J. Keady? Yij-ee-dee?) Crowe hits a quick suplez and an even quicker chinlock to bore the crowd. Bodyslam, Keady rolls hi m up for 1. Neckbreaker and elbow drop from the middle buckle for 2 for Crowe. He jaws with the ref. Keady blindsides him. Legdrop, splash and reverse senton, no cover. Powerslam from Crowe and he attempts a military press. Keady slides into the Keady Killer for the pinfall.

DUD Over in the blink of an eye. Am I the only one thinking “Time-filler”?

Vincent Harley vs. A Mstery Opponent (Match takes place in Central Park)

We’ll be lucky if the participants don’t get mugged in this one. Harley thinks he finds he opponent, but it’s a hooker. He pretends to be gay to escape. Stop, my sides are killing me. Brio, the real opponent appears. The Co-commisioner tries to buy him off. (With $60 or so. Cheap prick. No deal, of course.) Brio beats on Harley, suplexing him on the grass. A cop appears and pulls a gun on them. (He also comes armed with a donut… it’s lucky he didn’t have a speaking part, or he would have had an Irish accent to complete the stereotype.) The comedy continues as Harley is powerbombed into a fountain. My prediction comes true as a mugger arrives to steal Harleys wallet. (Where’s the cop when you REALLY need him?) Harleys head is put through a car window. The mugger steals the car. (I guess the schmuck locked his keys in the car…) Pedigree gets the 3-count for Brio.

Lets be kind and move on without rating that one, shall we?

Brian Edison (w/Vanessa) vs. Maverick (No DQ Hardcore Title Match)

Maverick hits lowblow #1 5 seconds in. Clothesline gets 2. Maverick heads out for a wooden board and whacks Edison. Edison is either packing mace, or spay-on anti-perspirant, but Maverick knocks it away before he can use it. Stungun and chairshot off the buckle gets 2. Piledriver on the chair gets 2 more. Maverick tosses Edison and they brawl. Edison blades off a ringpost shot. Edison finally gets in some offense by smashing a water jug over Mavericks head. Maverick blades. (About .3 of a Muta) Edison tries to post him, Maverick reverses it. He gets 2. He sets up a table. Irony, that cruel mistress that she is, intervenes, as Edison suplexes him through it. He drops an elbow off the apron. Piledriver on the Collapsable Announcers table gets 2. A cut backstage shows Tyrone Street nailing David Laursen with a barbed-wire wrapped ball bat. At ringside, Edison and Maverick brawl. Street strolls in and nails Edison. Edison takes a spiked powerbomb through a table. They roll him in, Maverick applies the ringpost figure-four. Vanessa tries to intervene as Street pulls out a utility knife. She gets shoved aside, Samasta jumps from the crowd. He wipes out Street with an Accent Slam, then does the same to Maverick. Edison pins to retain.

* Your basic brawl.

Vandal vs. Stephen Adams (Fought in a N.Y State Prison)

We cut to Adams wandering around the prison. He finds an electric chair, (Does NY have the death penalty? And who uses the electric chair these days? Okay, just asking, no biggie.) before Vandal jumps him. I’ll make this one quick. Brawl, brawl, walk, use pipe, brawl, walk, use fork, brawl, walk, use night stick, choke, brawl, walk, use handcuffs, deliver police-style brutality to handcuffed man, set-up gimmicky finish by having mace and a pistol lying around, Adams pins for the title.

3/4* It’s all becoming a bit monotonous now.

Main Event (Barbed Wire Rope Elite Title Match) Scotty Phillips vs. Mr Sandman

Stare-down and slug-fest with Phillips getting the advantage early. Sandman avoids a whip into the wire, but gets a HEAD PUNCH OF DOOM to send him down. Phillips slides out to retrieve gloves (Thinking ahead, I see) and more wire. Sandman is ready for him by the time he’s back in. He blades Phillips back on camera, then wraps himself in wire. Draping the rest on Scotty, he hits a top-rope splash. Major juicing results. Scotty lowblows Sandman with the wire (Ouch!) and we get a lovely close-up of Sandmans'(now-bloody) crotch. This is getting grusome fast. Phillips brings in a ladder, table and chair. Big sabu-spot as he hits a leg-drop off the ladder onto a wire, chair and Sandman head sandwich. 0.7 Muta and rising. To the outside, Sandman takes a powerbomb onto the wire-wrapped chair. Scotty heads back in to wrap the table in wire. He climbs the ladder, Sandman knocks it over. Phillips goes through the table. A whip to the wire is reversed into a DVD by Phillips. The Corporate Hitmen run-in as Phillips and Sandman form a 2-second alliance. Then Phillips hits Sandman with a chair. The Hitmen beat Phillips down for his idiocy, with Kamikazi hitting a Kami-drop. They leave, Sandman hits the Sandman Drop to retain.

* Spotty as hell, and a dud ending to boot. Plus, you need a really strong stomach to handle all the juice that gets spilt.

The Bottom Line: An all-gimmick and hardcore match card is risky at best. Some very good matches, but just become a brawl-and-blood-fest in the long run. Still a lot better than many “Hardcore” PPV’s I could name.

-Thumbs in the middle