Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith Schmucks Retro Rant for NWWA’s Memorial Mayhem 2000
Wasssuuupppp? All right, enough pop culture… let’s make with the Smart Mark-type reviews, shall we? Today, a long-awaited Retro Rant from the now-defunct NWWA… the Memorial Mayhem PPV from June of 2000.
-We are LIVE (At the time) from The University of Nebraska. James Frost and Claw Ritchens are manning the booth. They run down the matches, with Frost out-doing Jim Ross in the art of emphasising “RIGHT HERE, TONIGHT”!
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl for the NWWA World Championship)
They’re STARTING with the World title Main Event? That’s unique to say the least. I’m also wondering what would haoppen if Scott “Supreme” met up with Nick “God” Demola? A nasty explosion, perhaps. Peregrine is carrying a skateboard, giving me bad Dynamic Dudes flashbacks. He actually uses it on his opponents, so that’s one up on Shane Douglas, anyway. He bails, skateboarding up the aisle with the challengers in hot pursuit. Either that was on hell of a short match, or we’ll be back with those three later. I’ll hold the rating until I know for sure. Oh, and Scott Phillips North American title is also on the line, apparently.
Jason “The Bandit” Blake (w/ Amy Sparks) vs. Erik “The Future” Webber vs. Sean “No Middle Intial” DuBose (W/ Coach Brownoski) (Canadian Championship Match)
Webber is MIA, so we start out with Blake vs. DuBose. DuBose charges and is hiptossed and clotheslined. He ducks a second clothesline and hits a head-scissors. Frost is so impressed he goes completely Schiavonne about it. And suddenly, Webber runs-in, after making the fans wait for… what, at least 40 seconds or so. Way to build the drama, Webber. DuBose dropkicks Blake but is nailed with a flying clothesline from Webber. Webber slingshots Blake onto the bottom rope. Karma and Irony intervene, (And no, that’s not a tag-team) as Webber gets stungunned by DuBose off a blind charge. DuBose applies a armbreaker, Blake breaks up the hold. Blake hits a double underhook suplex on DuBose, before Webber pops up. Slugfest, Blake backs Webber up, then whips him to DuBose, who drop toeholds him onto the turnbuckle. James Frost is screaming like a woman by this point. Excitable boy they all said… DuBose small packages Blake for 2. Blake uses the knee to drop Blake. Webber blindsides him, knocking him down with a flying forearm. DuBose lands head-first on Blakes crotch. Now Richens is yelling like it’s the greatest match in history as well. Missile dropkick gets 2 for Webber. DuBose clotheslines the others out and delivers an Asai moonsault on them. Brief brawl, DuBose takes a belly-to-belly from Blake as he re-enters the ring. Blake locks in a cloverleaf, Webber bulldogs him from behind and piledrives him for 2 before DuBose saves. Webber jawjacks Dubose and suplexes him. DuBose is tossed, landing at the feet of Amy Sparks. Coach Brownoski grabs her by the hair, prompting Blake to retaliate. An all-in brawl breaks out on the floor, Webber makes it a train-wreck, hitting a senton plancha. Back inside, DuBose and Blake double chokeslam Webber, then fight over the cover. Blake gets 2 off a tilt-a-whirl powerbomb. Blake covers Webber for 2. Webber whips Blake into a side kick from DuBose, then drop-kicks DuBose out of the ring. Coach tries to protect him, but is given an Amycanrana. DuBose slaps her, then heads in to apply an anklelock on Blake as Coach sets up a table. Webber applies a sleeper on DuBose, who breaks the hold. Blake locks a crossface on Webber. Then DuBose returns to the anklelock on Blake. Okay, this is just getting silly. Claw Richens comments on how loudly Amy is yelling. Hello pot.. this is the kettle.. just called to say you’re black. Blake hits a double ballshot and double clothesline on his opponents. Coach climbs on the apron, Amy follows him and attempts another Amycanrana. Coach powerbombs her through the table. Blake is double suplexed, Webber heads up. Blake rolls over, and, in the move of the match, is used as a launching pad by DuBose to spear Webber off the top. Innovative to the max. Richens and Frost are having simultaneous verbal orgasms, of course. DuBose makes it back in only to receive a handspring elbow from Blake. He blocks a bulldog and back suplexes Blake. Blakes head literaly ricochets off the bottom turnbuckle. DuBose applies a surfboard, Webber nearly ends everybodys career with a frogsplash on both of them. Triple KO as everybody clotheslines each other. Blake tornado DDt’s Webber, DuBose saves at 2. He hits an invert suplex on Blake, then a brainbuster on Webber for 2. He heads up, but gets crotched. Blake belly-to-bellys’ him off the top, Webber lands a leg-drop on both of them as they land. He covers both, getting 2. Blake hits the Highway Robbery on DuBose, then the Blindsider off the top. He’s unable to cover so we get another slugfest between Blake and Webber. Rick Stevens and Lady Devine wander down to ringside to distract the referee. The ref proceeds to scoopslam Stevens on the floor. (The NWWA ref tips the scales at 330… now THERE’S a ref that won’t be intimidated…) Unfortunatly, a ref will always be a ref no matter what his weight, and so he completely misses Lady Devine chairshotting Webber by mistake. Her intended target, Jason Blake uses the ol’ brass knuckles on DuBose and covers him for the win. ** Plenty of energy, but wildly overbooked and with a lame-o ending. Mising only the kitchen sink…
-Postmatch, Stevens biffs the new champ with a chair. This match just doesn’t know when to quit!
-Outside, Matt “The Yawner”(?) Rison destroys half the cars in the parking lot with a monster truck. What a prick.
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl for the NWWA World Championship amd the NWWA North American Championship) (Part Two)
We pick up on the Main Eventers on the running track. Double noggin-knocker by Roberts. He DDT’s Peregrine for 2, Bootleg breaks up the count. Peregrine spears Bootleg, and we’re going back to the arena. Yes, that’s all they showed.
Maverick vs. John Wicked vs. Xtreme Warrior vs. V8 (Loser Leaves Town Match)
Wicked and V8 start off as Richens puts the badmouth on all four competitors. V8 bodydrops Wicked. Powerslam and fistdrop from V8 with a suplex chaser. Wicked tries to tag out, Maverick and Warrior bail. V8 powerbombs Wicked, hits the Torque and it’s curtains for J Dubya. This match was missing something… oh, that’s it… a point! DUD Even the commentators are practically apologising for it.
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl for the NWWA World Championship amd the NWWA North American Championship) (The Saga Continues)
Roberts and Bootleg have made it to the practise football field. Bootleg is in the process of rubbing Roberts face in the Astroturf(TM). Roberts blades.(!) Peregrine appears with a baseball bat… must have raided the supply closet. He KO’s both men and covers Bootleg, Roberts dives to break it up… and we cut back to the arena. As a born optimist, I’m going to assume he made the save…
Marvelous Mario vs. Lethal Slam
Lethal Slam? Well, that’s the first wrestler in history to SOUND like a finishing maneuver. Mario charges Slam… and gets slammed. How appropriate. Slam beats on Mario, who bumps around like a Pummel-Me Elmo. A tiny car drives down the aisle as Slamm tosses Mario to the floor. Three clowns emerge. (“When Doinks Attack”… This fall on Fox!) Gigantic brawl breaks out, followed by some “antics” by the clowns I’m not going to recap on this PG-13 rated website… let’s just say, even Russo wouldn’t go there. Finally, they leave. Bizzarely, the match continues as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Mario gets in all sorts of offense, but I’m still too stunned by the Evil Pervert Clowns to recap it. Eventually, Lethal Slam applies the *Shudder* “Lethal Injector” for the submission. I have no idea what that is, as I closed my eyes once I heard the words “Here comes the Lethal Injector!” The rating… well, with the wierdness in this match, I’ll give it %$~1/3.
-Postmatch, Slam demasks Mario, while Richens screams “TAKE IT OFF” like a drunken sailor at a titty bar.
-Matt “Yawner” Rison arrives to cut an in-ring promo. Wondered where he got the nickname? Wonder no more. He shows some footage of his World Title win at “WrestleRage 2”, then whines like Billy Gunn for a while. He makes to leave, then calls Claw Richen into the ring. PPV times a-wasting, people! He presents Richens with the original NWWA belt and departs.
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl for the NWWA World Championship amd the NWWA North American Championship) (AKA With Kendo Stick, Chair and Table Across The Mighty Sahara)
We’re at the Selleck Quadrangle. Jeez, I knew Magnum P.I had it’s fans, but still… Robers is seen drop-kicking Peregrine and whips him into a tree. Bootleg is perched in the tree, (Surely that should be The Falcons’ tactics) dropping an elbow on Roberts. Roberts blades after use of a stick by Bootleg, who spears him. They brawl into the fountain in front of the Student Union. The match turns into a pool party, with Roberts taking a positivly evil bump off a jagged rock. But, no time for that… It’s time for…
“Dark Angel” Rick Stevens vs. Jimmy Hinh (Hell In a Chem Lab Hardcore Title Match)
You read that right. The match is taking place in a chemistry lab. Can’t fault THIS federation for innovative ideas. Hinh is wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt to sell the danger of the match. Stevens wins the opening slugfest, Hinh retaliates, so Stevens smashes a BEAKER OF LIQUID DOOM over Hinhs’ head. Richens bemoans the fact that the liquid had no effect on Hinh. Who’s does he think is teaching chem, Dr Jeckyl? Missile dropkick off a table by Stevens, he takes a Samoan Drop off a blind charge. Hinh tries to use a microscope, Stevens ducks it and hits a spinning heel kick for 2. He uses a metal plate for 2. Don’t ask me what it’s for, I flunked chemistry… Stevens goes on a hunt for international objects, Hinh recovers and pumphandle drops him for 2. Clothesline and legdrop off a bench gets 2 for Stevens. Double reversal, sunset flip gets 2 more. They fight on the table, Stevens no-sells a neckbreaker and DDT’s Hinh for 2. Hinh fights back and nails an impressive bulldog from the table to the floor for 2. Stevens is piledriven on a table full of beakers for a 2-count and a manly bladejob. They brawl, before the lights go out. Jason Blake makes a bid for “Run-In of The year” by chain-sawing open the door of the chem lab. The boy knows how to make an entrance! He grabs a stool and (SWERVE!) KO’s Hinh. Stevens hits the Painkiller. Hinh kicks out at 2. Stevens throws some beakers at Hinh, who kicks them back Jackie Chan-style. Hinh legsweeps Stevens and frog-splashes from a bench for 2. Springboard kick and cartwheel kick finish, with Hinh retaining. ** Good enough, although the finale was a stretch. (As a mysterious man BLOWS UP THE LAB seconds after all concern run from the building. Can’t see this fed getting invited back here…)
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl/University of Nebraska Travelogue)
The walk-and-brawl is conituing at Love Library. The science lab is blazing away merrily in the background. They use some students mountain bike as a weapon, then bounce each other off light poles as they reach the carpark. Abrubtly, they’re attacked by a hooded man, who’s concealing something evil in his pants… and it’s not Pat Patterson. The Mysterious Stranger wipes out Roberts with the BALL BAT OF DOOM he is packing, then biffs Bootleg as well. He removes his mask to revale Da OutKast (AKA The Most Badly Spelled Star In Sports Entertainment.) No time for a reunion, though, as we get a drive-in! (Like a run-in, only more dangerous.) We don’t really get to see the vehicular assault, which is fortunate, as with the speed the car was going, both Outkast and Peregrine would be DOA. No less than FIVE Mysterious Men pile out of the car. (This fed must hire Mysterious Men in bulk.) One has a spiked baseball bat. Bootleg faces him down, (SWERVE!) the guy gives him the bat, Bootleg opens up the champion with it. Outkast turns the match into a stunt show by being thrown through a car windscreen. Mysterious Man #1 brings a crowbar into the equation and helps Bootleg beat down Peregrine. Bootleg takes Peregrine up to the roof of the car and delivers the Snake Pit Slam. Fost is screaming so loud I think he actually came after that one. Richens voice is up around the threshold of pain as well. The ref begins a ten-count on Peregrine, which is interrupted by Outkast, who tries to mow down anyone still breathing with the car. Okay, the string my belief was suspended from just snapped! Mysterious Man #1 reveals himself.. it’s C-Murder, a close friends of (SWERVE!) Peregrines. The NWWA fans are not proving to be Rhodes Scholars, signalling their disapproval by tossing trash into the ring… while the wrestlers are half a mile or so away. Well, maybe they’re just bored watching the big screen all night.
-The match abrubtly comes to a screeching halt as C-Murder (Wasn’t he on Battlebowl?) cuts a potty-mouthed promo. Either that, or he’s mistaken the NWWA for the NWA and is reciting rap lyrics. Either way, it takes him hours to get his point across. Then Bootleg speaks. Then we cut back to the arena. Darn, I’m sure there was a Main Event around here a minute ago…
-In the Skybox, President Sothingtons bodyguard Night is attacked by Matt Rison. ANOTHER storyline? This is worse than Days Of Our Lives!
Shotgun Lee vs. “Slogan” Logan Henderson (w/Ashley Z)
Henderson goes straight for the eyes from the bell. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and springboard bulldog, senton and frog splash for 2. Spinning heel kick and “The Statement” invert DDT and it’s all over. Total squash, with not even one offensive move from Lee. What was this one doing this high up the card? DUD
WiggeyD vs. Tommy Shamrock
WiggeyD fufils the required Limp Bizkit quotient, coming out to “Nookie”. He runs into a drop toehold, Shamrock applies an armbar. T-bone suplex for 2, WiggeyD leapfrogs and hits a flying forearm. Rocker dropper and fishermans suplex gets 2 for Wiggey. He hits the buckle on a blind charge, Shamrock rolls him up for 2. Belly-to-belly, Shamrock applies the half-crab and works the kneee. Wiggey ducks a clothesline and hits a leg lariat. He works the leg of Shamrock. Brainbuster and guillotine legdrop wins it for Wiggey *1/2 Another general Monday night match… What? Oh, my mistake… it was only two. It sure looked like three… Shamrock avoids a dropkick and back suplexes Wiggey over the top rope. Buh bye, announce table. And, thankfully, The SCREAMING ANNOUNCERS are abrubtly silenced. They brawl on the outside, then return to the ring. WiggeyD’s bodyblock is countered with a beautiful dropkick by Shamrock. He applies the anklelock, Wiggey reaches the ropes. Some more brawling, Wiggey hits a powerbomb and hooting star press for 2. Piledriver, sunset flip powerbomb off the top and the Wiggey Slam wins it for WiggeyD. **1/4 Still a Monday night match, but not too bad in the end.
-Outside, Matt Rison trips up President sothington, who’s taking a constitutional for no readily apparent reson. Rison then runs away like a little girly-man.
“The Supreme Superstar” Scott Roberts vs. Bootleg Da Killa vs. Frank “The Falcon” Peregrine (University Backlot Brawl: The Final Chapter)
The main event gets all artsy-fartsy as Bootleg finds a performing arts set with his name on it. (DRAMA CLUB?!! AHHHHHHH! RUN!) Multiple spotlights come on, and Peregrine is heard on a microphone threatening Bootleg. (What is this, Scream IV?) Then a spotlight drops on Bootleg. Give me a fucking break. Peregrine arrives, cuts another quick rant, then breaks Bootlegs nose for good measure. The ref counts him out. Roberts is back in the ring at this point. He calls out Peregrine, so we get a lengthy sequence as he stalks back to the arena. He arrives, they brawl. And brawl. And brawl. And they’re off again, this time backstage. Peregrine finds the janitors closet. He DDT’s Roberts and pours bleach on him. Kids, don’t try this at home. Roberts uses a hammer on Peregrine, then some lightbulbs. He hits the Champagne Supernova, a powerbomb into a liontamer on the lightbulbs. Now what does this match really not need at this point? What’s that you say? Another run-in? BINGO! Outkast returns, KO-ing Roberts with a ball bat. This causes the Hooded Man to also run-in. (For those of you playing at home, that’s the one who firebombed the chemistry building… remember? Me neither…) It’s.. Commisioner Malcomb, with his trusty SHOVEL OF DOOM! This leads directly to the third run-in in less than a minute. (Jimmy Hinh this time) He knocks the shovel out of Malcombs hands, Roberts picks it up and waffles Hinh. (Possibly a SWERVE, but I’ve lost track) He then hits Peregrine, who goes down for 9. They brawl back to the ring where Peregrine applies the Talon. Hinh and Malcomb fight their way down the aisle as Roberts passes out for Peregrine to retain, plus claim Roberts North American title. I honestly can’t rate this match, much as I’d like to. Just too convoluted, too many run-ins, too much talking and not enough wrestling. Ballsy concept, though.
The Bottom Line: This PPV left me searching for new ways to define “Overkill”. Plenty of originality, but overbooking up the wazoo sunk it. Richens and Frost selling everything like the greatest thing in the history of history didn’t help either. Kind of like being hit repeatedly in the head with a padded mallet. Not painful, but pretty damn annoying after three hours.
Thumbs in the middle, leaning down.