The “Not” Keith Retro Rant For RAW Wrestling Spring Beatings 2000 Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Retro Rant for RAW Wrestlings’ “Spring Beatings 2000”

Well, here we go again. Once more I return to the keyboard to review a PPV… this time after an e-mail from the company itself, and the swift delivering of two tapes. The comapany is RAW Wrestling, a no-frills organisation under the umbrella of “EfedUniverse” promotions. And so, I planned to bring you a double-dose of RAW Wrestling, with the 2000/2001 “Spring Beatings” PPV’s! However, the 2001 card will have to wait… until I recover from seeing this one! (Can we say “RAW burnout”? I knew you could…)

-We are LIVE from Madison Square Garden! (What, again? I feel like I live here! I should buy season tickets!) Your announcers are Matt Anthony, John Paul Gallo and Big Dick McGee. They hype the show, and then we go backstage.

-Backstage: Vic Creed talks to his sisters boyfriend, Rick. They say nothing worth repeating.

Double Debut Match: “Box Office” Tripp Shade vs Icon-X

The two have a combined age of just 49, so a fast paced match-up looks likely. Icon-X is from Toronto, BTW… Drop kick from Icon starts things off. Shade shoves him off. Criss-cross sequence goes nowhere. Shade goes to move #178 (ARM-bar). Rake of the eyes and double-footed drop-kick from Icon X. Tie-up, Icon scores with a forearm, then an elbowdrop gets not-quite-one. Dragon screw and some CANADIAN VIOLENCE! Swinging DDT gets 2 for X. He showboats on the turnbuckle. Shade pulls him face-first onto the buckle. Leg-sweep off the full-nelson. (Big Dick shoots on Grandmaster Sexay. The others ignore him.) Shade slaps on the Critical Acclaim (Texas Cloverleaf) and Icon X taps out eventually.

*1/4 Nothing overly special. Just there.

-Backstage, Kid Delicious has been punked out by Vic Ventressa with a camera and a locker.

-Still backstage, Vic Ventressa takes a shower (with rubber duck). His wife Tara has to handle the interview duties.

“The Flying Scotsman” Neil McDougall vs. “The Freak” Joel Murphy

Long-winded rant from McDougall. (He’s the one who sent me the tapes, BTW) Murphy charges the ring and it’s the Scots vs. the Irish once more. Total brawlfest early, broken up by the ref. NcDougall does some Scottish Karate (See-Yoo Pal) to reverse the momentum. Elbow drop, brawl, Axe kick, brawl, uppercut. Lather, rinse, repeat. FrankenScotsman leads to a double KO. Murphy reverses an underhook with a back-bodydrop, McDougall lands on his feet. Savate kick drops Murphy. Belly-to-belly by Murphy, the ref is bumped. Yeah, that’s what this match needed. Murphy stomps on the Scottish Crown Jewels. McDougall reverses and tries a top-rope something. He’s caught and tossed over the top. Murphy hits a tope suicida. My tape is clipped briefly, so we come back with chairshots-a-palooza on the outside. Big Dick is into his stock of sheep-bunting jokes by now. Kneedrop in the railing by Murphy. A second is turned into a strange Bulldog-onto-the-railing by McDougall. More brawling, Murphy meets the ringpost from a McDougall dropkick. The Scotsman heads to the top, and my tape is clipped again. Back in the ring, both men are lying around selling their fatigue. Joel crawls out for a chair once more, and bops McDougall. Unfortunatly for Murphy, the ref had woken up and spotted the shot, drawing the DQ. McDougall blades.

3/4* Big, midless brawl. Been there, done that, brought the PPV.

-Backstage, the Sex Stable chats.

Midget Match: Petree vs “The Corrupter” Douglas McCray

Petree cuts an insane, profane promo, culminating in the disgusting sight of him removing one of his own teeth with pliers. Even for a faked scene, this is in slightly bad taste. I really hate midget matches. Bell rings and it’s MIDGET MADNESS. Lots of running, ass-biting, testiclular nibbling. I fast-forward. McCray beats the midget with a DVD and 2 “Devil’s Deal” facelocks.

I’m not rating that shit. Get serious…

-I stop fast-forwarding at an interview with “ALF”… yes, the puppet. I continue to fast-forward.

“Mr Hardcore” Chase Williams vs Thomas Creighton (Cage Death Match)

The stips state a ten-count-pin is needed to win. Creighton brings a tool-box to the ring. Williams brings a mic. He cuts a promo. VP Ricky Deathwish arrives. HE cuts a promo. The fans grow restless. So do I. Deathwish makes himself a third man in the match. At long last, he climbs in and dives off the top onto Williams and Creighton. And we’re FINALLY under way. Typical three-man brawlfest begins as my tape clipping problem start again. Deathwish gets caught in the ropes and speared into the cage by Creighton. Williams body-blocks the helpless Deathwish. (Leading to the exchange; “Matt Anthony: God have mercy! Big Dick: God save the Queen!” Big Dick has gone insane folks.) The announce teams start fighting after they cut Dicks audio. The fact I tld you this shows how interesting the match is at this point. Creighton does the Foley-esque “Thumbtack” spot with nails from his toolbox. Another clip. Brawling has resumed. Williams uses Creightons own toolbox on him. Snapmare onto the nails. He uses a nail to blade Creighton on camera. (Real pretty, guys. Yeech!) They struggle over a piledriver while Big Dick waffles about piledrivers. Lose his audio again, PLEASE! Big, awkward sequence as they all hit things off the piledriver attempt, but the editing is so bad, I couldn’t recap it if I tried. (So I won’t.) Blind charge from Creighton, who eats Williams’ elbow. Williams fakes an elbow injury and removes the turnbuckle pad.

Everyone stalls for a while. Deathwish clotheslines Creighton, then meets the turnbuckle on a blind charge at Williams. He taps an atery as a result. Williams ballshots Creighton and gutwrenches him through a table. It gets 5 before Deathwish saves. Williams military presses Deathwish, and he and Crieghton do a double-Garvin Stomp. Deathwish bails as Williams and Creighton brawl. They try a wrestling sequence for a change as Deathwish climbs sloooowly to the top of the cage. Creighton charges Williams and is back-dropped into Deathwish, who takes a heavy fall back into the ring. He sells it like he’s been stabbed. More brawling between Williams and Creighton. I feel like I’ve been watching this match for a week. Michinoku piledriver on Deathwish as they start to double-team him. Williams holds Deathwish’s leg out for Creighton to drop a cage-top kneedrop, “breaking” it in the process. Stagehands come to help him out of the cage. He then tells his stagehands to set up a ladder, which he climbs, perching on top of the cage. All this with a “broken” leg, remember? His stooges give the Vice-Pres some garbage to toss into the cage. Willams takes a balsa wood chair to Creightons skull. Deathwish continues to toss crap into the ring. Creighton DVD’s Williams and drops a sandbag on his crotch. Watching this match is LIKE having a sandbag dropped repeatedly on MY crotch. In a surreal moment, Deathwish has his crew heave the STEPS into the ring. Williams has bladed. The “match” has deteriorated into series of international object spots. Creightion powerbombs Williams through two chairs. He covers, as the supreme act of idiociy is set up. Deathwish is handed a huge pane of candy glass. You see what’s coming, right? Yup. He leaps off the cage and splashes the pair while holding the “glass”. Impressive visually, but kind of… “Yeah, right!”, eh?

Williams crawls onto Creighton for a cover. It gets 9. CRAP! Put this match out of its misery, please! We go to tool-box shots, followed by hammer shots. Creighton climbs the cage and jumps directly onto the nuts of a prone Williams. Big Dick declares everyone dead as Creighton gets the ten-count.

-*** Who gave these guys that much time? And what was he smoking? Painful in it’s execution, and just TOO DAMN LONG!

-And then… the run-in! AHHHHHHHHH! The Gods of Destruction charge the ring, I go get a beer. I come back. A brawl is in progress. I go to the bathroom. Deathwish is helping Creighton and Williams. I go make a sandwich. I get back in time for the life-affirming handshakes. Now let us never speak of this mess again.

Four Corners Tag Team Title Elimination Match: The Singapore Bandits vs. The Gods Of Destruction vs. The Merseysiders vs. The Alpha Boys

The Singapore Bandits are managed by Petree. Joy. Big face pops for the Alpha Boys and The Merseysiders. Four men in the ring to start. GoD’s “Big Man” hits an immediate Chokeslam on Xander Alpha. Running powerslam, tag to “Massive Man”. Top rop splash, The Alphas are gone. The Bandits and The Mersysiders team up on Massive Man. It still looks like Kaientai attacking Paul Wight. They take the 450-pounder down with a double bulldog, then the Bandits double-cross the Liverpudlians. Four-man brawl breaks out, both team are DQ-ed.

DUD Cheap match to set up GoD vs. Creigthon/Williams with a cheap ending. The intros lasted ten times as long as the match.

-Backstage, Thomas Creighton yaks.

-Out front, Shirly Knott enters the ring. She’s a former comedienne, so guess what? Let’s use up PPV time with a series of old, tasteless jokes. And the point here was?

-Toxic Shock interviews Cameron Diaz. Uh, guys, a match would be nice about now…

“The Drifter” Eddie Drysdale vs “Bulldog” Nick Demola

Demola gets the worlds longest entrance, (An entire Metellica songs’ worth… hope they didn’t use Napster!) and is announced as “The God of Wrestling”. Okay, this is going to be interesting. Headlock sequence to start, before Demola misses an elbowdrop. Drysdale drops a leg on his head. Back up, powerbomb from Drysdale for 2. Out to the outside for a kind-of-brawl. Back in, Drysdale hits a twisting neckbreaker for 2. Demola tries an armbar. That’s showing him, WrestleGod! He finally hits a suplex. A second is reversed into a screwdriver. SLUGFEST OF DOOM breaks out. Thumb to the eye and elbowdrop for Demola. Drysdale ducks a clothesline and lowblows Nick. DDT hits, no cover. Bodyslam is rolled into a small package by Demola for 2. Demola cinches in a Vice Lock, then lets go for no reason. Armbar takedown and a Muta Stretch gets the submission for Drysdale.

* Hard to live up to that “God Of Wrestling” label… just another match. Nice to see a clean job by Demola, though.

-Another Sex Stable backstage skit.

Vic Ventressa vs. Kid Delicious (Submission Match)

Kid D. shows little after-effects from his locker room fracas with Vic earlier in the night. Vic plays the heel card by attacking Kid’s valet Electra right off the bat. She’s strechered out. Vic blindsides K.D, who retaliates with a side suplex. Criss-cross to a back-body drop. Ventressa reverses, but hits the corner hard on a blind chrage. Suplex is blocked, Ventressa hitting a brainbuster instead. The Jake Roberts short clothesline/DDT combo scores for Vic. Piledriver, Kid fires back with some forearms and an atomic drop. Vics wife Tara distracts Delicious, and Vic takes over, backdropping the Kid to the floor. Big brawl on the outside, Vic facebusts Kid through a table. Vic gets on the stick, but the Kid won’t quit. (Did I mention “The Kid” is 270 pounds? Big Kid!) Back inside, Kid D. takes over. Gut-wrench suplex, diving headbutt and back suplex. A submission move might be in order at some stage. This IS still a submissions match, right? Airplane spin into a jawjacker, but Tara distracts the ref this time. Vic goes for the eyes and the momentum switches again. Piledriver, and the Kid reverses a short clothesline. Spinebuster, missed elbow and the brawl is on. At this point The Sex Pistol heads to ringside, bringing a briefcase. (I.R.S Lives!). Halfway down, the RAW-Tron shows his manager getting jiggy with Thomas Criegton, so he dumps the case in the corner and bails back to the locker. Axe-kick from Vetressa, Kid D. blades. Some more back-and-forth, Ventressa hits a jumping DDT. Kid D crawls for the briefcase, Tara pulls it out of reach and slides it to Vic. He waffles The Kid, hits a top-rope Ballshot Fistdrop and slaps on a clawhold(?) for the tap-out. Post match, Tara and Vic beat on K.D (Including an old-school HEART PUNCH OF HIDEOUS DOOM) before Sex Pistol and “Nature Boy” Larry Spikowski make the save.

* Nothing to see here, folks. Move along.

-Toxic Shock interviews Micheal Stipe of R.E.M. (Jeez, they could have comped him a better seat… the poor guy was out in the nosebleeds!)

Deadboy vs. “The Nature Boy” Larry Spikowski (Young Blood Title Match)

Larry looks a wee bit too old to wrestle for a “Young Blood” title. Like, 30 years or so. Deadboy tries a small package for the quick pin. It gets 2. Slingshot facebuster for 2. Clothesline off the top, legdrop and fishermans suplex gets 2. Deadboy misses adropkick. Larry just slumps on top and chokes. The “veteran” tries a suplex, reversed by Deadboy. Flying cross-body into a pinning sequence. Deadboy pummels Larry all over the ring, hiting move after move, until we get a ref bump. They brawl (kind of) to the outside and destroy a conviently-placed refreshment table. (At ringside? Okay.) Matt mourns the loss of the roasted nuts. Deadboy is using a chair on Larry, then hits a beautiful twisting senton of the top. (Matt calls that “15 feet” Uh, yeah Matt. Just worry about your nuts, okay?) Deadboy applies a crucifix armbar, but there’s no ref to hear the submission. Deadboy wakes the ref after a prolonged resthold. He collapses again the moment Deadboy releases him to hit the Epiphany on Larry. Larry fakes a heart attack. Deadboy loses any respect I had by buying it, only to be hit with the “Fair-Weather Johnson” for 3. Larry wins the title and Sex Pistol arrives to help his celebrate by beating nine colors of hell out of Deadboy. This takes some time.

** For Deadboys skills. -* for the generic comedy match, the overused ending and the pointless beatdown. So that’s * in total.

-Backstage, Larry does his Flair impression. After a lengthy interview, we head back for

Tag Team Title Match: The Gods of Destruction vs Creighton/Williams

The GoD hit the ring first, and are blindsided by a suprisingly-well-recovered Creighton (After that cage match) and Mr Toolbox. Big Man blades ten seconds into the match as Williams also arrives. Creighton goes for the tools.. and it’s HAMMER TIME! Massive Man takes a few shots at Williams, and ties him in the ropes with the aid of Laughing Man. (The GoD manager.) Williams ducks and Massive splashes to the floor in a pile of his own blubber. Creighton chairshots Laughing Man. Williams is still selling his injuries from the cage, at least. More than I can say for Creighton. He continues with the chair, until the ref finally gets it off him. Springboard axe-handle drops the 450-pounder once more. Massive reaches his feet (which he probably hasn’t SEEN since 1980 or so) and hits the FLYING FATASS DROPKICK OF DOOM. Referee Smooth counts three, but the shoulder was up, so we continue. Creightion plays Ricky Morton as Massive hits the BIGASS SPLASH for 3. Nope, shoulder up again. Smooth has the most prolonged count I’ve ever seen, by the way. Head butt from Massive prevents the tag. He tries a falling splash and gets a boot in the bollocks instead. Massive tries the tag, but Big Man is still selling the toolbox shot. Hot tag Williams, house of fire. DDT gets a loooooong 2. Springboard legdrop and Legdrop-to-the-testes gets 2. Big Man low bridges Williams and beats on him. Creighton chairshots Big Man. williams chairshots Massive three times. Smooth takes the chair, and Williams hits a mulekick on Massive. Roll-up for 3 and the belts. The Big Man beats on both Williams and Creigton in frustration.

*1/2 And so far, that’s our highest rating.

Sex Pistol vs. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (North American Title Match)

OCD gets a Demola-like entrance, SP gets huge pyro. Big pop for both men. Shoulderblock sequence leads to a nice springboard dropkick from Sex Pistol. Atomic drop is reversed with a bulldog, and a running powerslam gets 2 for OCD. OCD brawls for a bit, then hits a sweet inverted suplex. Double-arm DDT and top-rope underhook suplex gets another 2-count. Some back-and-forth leads to OCD getting the knees on a blind charge. Single-arm DDT followed by a beautiful drop-kick staggers OCD. Pistol makes the blind charge and is back-dropped to the floor, however. OCD chairshots him, then sets up a table. He takes Pistol into the high-rent district for a top-rop powerbomb, reversed into a hurricanrana through the wood! Nice spot. Pistol drags OCD back in, and gets 2 off the resulting cover. OCD makes the Superman comeback, and hits a nice underhook powerbomb. The ref has been distracted by SP’s valet, but eventually makes a 2-count. A big brawl leads to OCD simply tossing Pistol off the apron to the guard rail. He hits the steps soon after, and blades. He blocks OCD’s attempts to post him, and, in an innovative spot, yanks away the crash mat from beneath OCD’s feet to gain the upper hand. Back inside, OCD hits the buckle on a blind cahrge. He fakes an arm injury, and catches an SP splash with his knees. OCD attempts his OCD DVD, Pistol blocks and applies an armbar submission. OCD makes the ropes. Sex Pistol gets in a nice, fluid sequence of moves, before OCD stops the run and hits another underhook powerbomb. An Irish whip is turned into a Sex Pistol bodyblock for 2. Running neckbreaker for 2. Champagne Supernova spinning neckbreaker gets the 3-count and title for Sex Pistol. He celebrates by beating down OCD with the belt. Sarah chimes in with her shoe. “The Corruptor” runs-in afterwards and lays out both Sex Pistol and Sarah with a chair. Then Creighton limps-in. Followed by “Nature Boy” Spikowski. Then Kid Delicious runs-in and it’s three-on-one on Creighton, who blades for a third time in one night! Then OCD runs-in again, along with Deadboy to clean house. They pummel Spikowski from pillar to post.

**1/2 Good solid match. Could have done without all the nWo crap at the end, though…

Vic Creed vs Vic Valiant (World Title Match)

Two Vics? This is going to be a bitch to recap. Ricky Deathwish hobbles out on crutches to commentate. Creed outweighs Valiant by 120+ pounds. He therefore spends the first few minutes tossing Valiant all over the ring. Valiant tries some speed moves to gain the advantage, but Creed flyswats him off and applies a camel clutch. He holds it for a long time, then simply lets go. To the outside, Valiant ducks a spash on the rails, and drop-kicks Creed into the crowd. Body-drop on the concrete is blocked easily by Creed. He hefts Valiant up for a powerbomb, but FISTS OF FIRE knock him down. Valiant breaks the count, but as it’s Darius Smooth counting, it was probably unnecessary… the man can string a count out like no-one else I’ve ever seen! Valiant goes aerial with a cross-body, and is slammed on the cold concrete instead. Ricky Deathwish’s commentary is making me long for Dusty… “hazardously beaten up”? Uhh, excuse me? Back inside, BEARHUG OF MILD DISCOMFORT allows Creed to get a breather. Valiant escpapes by sliding out and facejams Creed. Valiant hits a standing frogsplash and a quick legdrop. He heads upstairs, but Creed simply swats him onto the buckle. He tires to biel the smaller man off, but Valiant clings on tenaciously. Creed climbs up and they fight over a superplex and they work in the superplex-to-DDT move I loved in the EWI card. This one didn’t look so hot, but a nice effort. Referee Smooth drops for one of his interminably long 3-counts and the match is over! Not.

Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE Dusty finishes? This is a half-Dusty, as Smooth suddenly notices Creeds foot on the rope. The match continues…

Creed hits an AIRPLANE SPIN OF HIDEOUS DIZZYNESS (forgetting to sell it himself) and walks over Valiants chest. Brawl-for-all. Valiant hits a drop-kick/legsweep combination. Big Dick insults Hogan, and therefore goes up a few notches in my opinion. Blatant choke from Creed into a powerslam. He works the leg as Big Dick and Jean-Paul have one of the most surreal arguments in recent history. Creed continues to work the legs as his manager Rave McBain heads out to help. Valiant meets him on the floor and does a Hogan-esque I-block-your-punch-you-don’t-block-mine, complete with “Oh no you don’t” finger-waggle. Creed drags Valiant to the apron and has his jaw jacked. Valiant hits a shoulderblock for 2. A series of kicks and an inziguri floor Creed. Valiant headbutts him (no-sold) and chops away like crazy (also no-sold). He finally catches Vics punch and delivers the CLOTHESLINE FROM HECK! Valiant rolls out and rearranges some furniture, tossing 2 chairs and a table into the ring. Back in, he fakes a handspring elbow, turing it into an impressive baseball slide through Creeds legs. Big swinging neckbreaker and bulldog. Valiant is all over the place, and the crowd is getting into it. He tries a top-rope move and gets caught, but twists into a DDT. Valiant sets up a table in the ring. Creed makes the comeback and deposits Valiant on the woodwork. The CRUSHING HAND OF IRONY interjects as Creed breaks the table in fairly spectacular fashion. Valiant rolls out and is set upon by McBain. They brawl, McBain meets the ringpost and is slammed. Valiant returns to the ring and drop-kicks a woozy-looking Creed. He tries for a big running drop-kick, but is tripped by McBain, who drags him outside again. One punch and the race is on! Valiant chases McBain around the ring, Creed heads out to chase Valiant, The referee strats a slllllloooooowwwww count. Valiant corners McBain and raises a chair, but Creed grabs it. Crotchshot from Valiant retrieves the chair, McBain and Creed both take shots with it. Back inside, Valiant bitchslaps Creed (Well, if a chairshot won’t knock him down, maybe he’ll sell a slap?) Creed responds with a sidewalk slam. Whip to the ropes, Valiant leapfrogs, but is caught with a powerslam. Back outsuide we go, Valiant decides to cut to the chase and hits repeated chairshots. Darius Smooth just kind of shrugs. Van Vicinator (Van Valiantinator? No, that sounds worse…) and Asai moonsault both score big with the crowd. Back inside we go. Pinning sequence is attempted. (And with Creed being over 300 pounds, you don’t need ME to tell you how awkward that looked.) Creed no-sells some drop-kicks. Head-scissors takedown and a Perfect Necksnap from Valiant. He heads up for a hurricanrana, reversed into Creed Bomb. Ricky Deathwish suddenly goes insane (Maybe the painkillers for his “broken” leg just kicked in.) as he abrubtly berates John-Paul for doing play-by-play. Uh, isn’t that his job? Creed hits a pump-handle as Deathwish begins to mimic J-P’s vocal stylings. The producer even cuts to the announce table so we can join in the comedy. Uh, guys? You had a main event around here a second ago? Any sign of it? Eventually, we get back to the action. Creed tosses Valiant over the top and through a table, sets up a second and gets DDT-ed through it himself. Creed blades. They lie around for ages while the announcers chat about Creeds sister, who’s in the front row. Naturally, she gets in Valiant’s face when he rises, and gets slapped by him. She slaps him back, so he punches her. Uh, who was the face here again? Not Valiant anymore, by the crowds reaction. Creed hulks up, chases Valiant into the ring and we got CLUBBERING! Vic II blades as Rick, Creeds’ sisters boyfriend (everyone got that?) jumps (well, kind of… not an Olympic athelete, is Rick) the barrier and tosses some brass knuckles into the ring. Creed ignores them, so Valiant uses them instead, coldcocking Creed. Creed even no-sells this, doing an Undertaker sit-up and chokeslam. He heads up for a “Creedzillinator” frogsplash that sends both men down through the trapdoor… sorry, that breaks a hole in the ring. John-Paul goes completely JR in a hilarious spot until Ricky silences him. Referee Smooth makes a loooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggg (ie. not a fast) 3-count and Creed is the Champion!

*** The best I could give it at this stage. Probably would rate higher if I had watched this one on a compilation video, rather than in the context of the entire PPV.

-One final in-ring rant by the Sex Stable, and we’re out.

Well, it picked up near the end, but the endless run-ins, wasted air-time with interviews, comedy and that awful cage match sunk this one. RAW is now under new management, and I can see why. Big, overblown and ultimately an excercise in frustration.

Mild recommendation to avoid.