The “Not” Keith Rant For RAW Wrestling Spring Beatings 2001 Repost

Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!

The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Rant for RAW Wrestlings Spring Beatings 2001

Well, as promised, it’s time for the Schmucks Rant for “Spring Beating 2001”, the last PPV put on by RAW Wrestling. Let’s get right to it, shall we?

-We are live from the Estada Da Luz, and the announcers are Sparky and Sparky II. (A caption would have been nice…) The ringside area is so crowded with annouce teams, there’s hardly any room left at all.

-A quick run-down and hype and we’re OFF… to the back. Law and Order tell Jason Midnight that tonight is their last match for a while. Commentator O’Brien nearly blows a fuse.

Opening Triple Threat Tag Team Elimination Match (Everyone got that?): S&M vs Law and Order vs Tommy Bedford/”Hard” Knox Roberts

Karl Mercury of S and M starts off against Knox Roberts and Sam Order. (Of Law and.. well, you get the connection, I’m sure.) Trash-talk fest to start off, Order slaps both his opponents. They clothesline him. A double-teaming we will go. Knox hits Order with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex. Law tries to save Order, but Mercury drop-kicks him. Knox hits a savate kick on Mercury. Knox and Marcury brawl, before Knox underhooks Mercury and suplexes him out of the ring. Order is back up, and a high knee gets 1 before Mercury saves. Law is tagged in, and L and O double-team Mercury, hitting a nice-looking German suplex/dropkick combination. It gets 2, as the pin is broken up again, this time by Bedford. He brawls with Law as Spyke is tagged in. The 300-pounder goes up for a flying clothesline on both men. He charges Law, who tries a gutwrench on Spyke, getting himself sidewalk slammed instead. Bedford hits a Russian legsweep on Spkye. He gets one, broken by Bedford, who accidently hits Spyke with a leg-drop instead. He gets 1 until Law drags him off and covers… for 1, before Law breaks it up once more. Spyke hits a shoulderblock on Bedford off a whip and tags Mercury. Mercury and Law double suplex Bedford over the top rope to the floor. Mercury and Law fight amongst themselves, with Mercury gaining the upper hand. Bedford lowbridges him amd they brawl on the outside. Law brings the crowd alive with a tope suicida. He takes Mercury to the apron, but is caught on a blind charge, and slammed back onto the floor. Bedford and Mercury return to the ring. Bedford hits a swinging neckbreaker, tag to Knox. The Superfly Splash gets 2, before Spyke saves. (A logical save this time!) Big ugly 6-man brawl breaks out. Cringe-inducing spot as Order gets double-chokeslammed backwards to the floor. To top it, John Law (middle initial Q?) takes the Spike Dudley Airways flight into the crowd. The four in the ring continue to slug it out as Law and Order slowly return to ringside and find a chair or two. They make it back and the match becomes a Chair-For-All as Spkyke and Bedford are taken out. Spkye takes the Conchairto as Rent-a-flunky security arrives. The ref DQ’s Law and Order.

Mercury and Knox fight on the outside. Mercury is bounced off the ringpost from a military press, then put in the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF MILD DISCOMFORT! Time passes, before we return to the ring. Knox jackhammers Mercury for 3. No, tell a lie, it’s 2… yep, same fed, different management, same incompetent referee. Spyke and Tommy are still selling the chairshots. Knox applies a full-nelson version of the cobra clutch, which is innovative to say the least. Mercury won’t quit, so he releases the hold and gets a Galotta. Mercury hits a DDT and goes Hogan on Knox, hitting him with everything in his arsenal. He sets him up for the the Mercury Rising electric chair drop, Knox counters with a victory roll, Mercury rolls through, Knox rolls again and cinches in the Angle.. sorry, Anklelock. Mercury taps.

**1/3 Spotty, but not too bad an opener.

The Binkies vs. The Alphas

The Binkies look like Doinks ‘R Us 2K and get the usual overblown entrance. The Alphas are playing Rockers 2K with their fan-friendly entrance. Abrubtly, Mistress Sarah arrives to pont out that this is actually a three-way falls-count-anywhere match. This comes as a surprise to everyone else in the building. Nevertheless, Sarah intro’s her team and we have;

The Binkies vs. The Alphas vs. The Merseysiders

Knife-Happy Roy (aka The Gimp) and Alan Mangan demonstrate why they’re not Mensa members by attempting simultaneous spears on Johnny Alpha. (Wasn’t he a mutant bounty hunter in 2000AD magazine?) Alpha leapfrogs and they collide. Mangan stumbles into the wrong part of town and gets a neckbreaker from Murder King Joe (Aka Sgt Kabukiman, NYPD) across the top rope. Alpha hits a spinning heel kick, then a bulldog on Roy. O’Brien loses it early. (“Roy is already back to his feet, and trying to get back to his feet…” Kinda like having your leg kicked out from your leg, (circa WM 10) I suppose…) Xander Alpha enters and hits a crucifix cradle on MKJ for 2, broken up by Roy. Johnny Alpha slides under the bottom rope and DDT’s Mangan is a sweet spot. The Binkies make a Xander-which and cover for 3! No, 2! Somebody fire that idiot referee! Mangan is in, then out again as he hits a clothesline to the floor. Mangan powerslams Roy for 2. I’ve lost any idea of who’s legal here. Mangan takes Roy down with a kneelift and a Magnaniser, Roberts heads up, Xander bumps him onto the top buckle. John Alpha Ghetto Blasts Mangan and locks in a crucifix armbar. Xander hits an axe kick on M.K Joe and covers on the outside. No ref, as he’s as confused as I am at this point. (I think he’s counting out the timekeeper or something!) The Alphas hit an odd flapjack-bulldog combination. Roy finally gets up and is hit with a combined back suplex/neckbreaker. Johhny hits a Shirley Basset(?) on Joe for another 3-no-make-that-2 by the Moron In The Striped Shirt. A double dropkick, with Xander coming off the top rope and a Patrick McGoohan(??!?) score the 3-count for the Alphas.

**1/2 Better than it had any right to be, mainly due to The Alphas athletic ability. Still just a spot-fest.

Ronny Ramirez vs. “Juggernaut” William Bennett (Capitol Title Match)

Ramirez cuts a quick heel promo, so Bennett attacks him. Brawling leads to a corner splash and the Cactus knee. Ramirez tries to spear Bennet, who turns it fluidly into an Evenflow. Bennett defines “overkill” by removing all four turnbuckle pads. Ramirez lowblows Bennet and charges, running into a stungun. Ramirez eats three turnbuckles and blades. Legdrop, no cover, and Ronnys former bodyguard runs in. He prevents Bennet using a chair, and is Juggerbombed onto a turnbuckle, doing a sympathy bladejob in the process. Ramirez blindsides Bennett and beats on him. For about fifteen seconds. Bennett sidesteps a charge and tosses Ramirez out and through the timekeepers table. Must be saving the Spanish announcers for later. Outside, chairshots a-plenty, before Ramirez catches Bennett with a spinbuster. Ramirez heads upstairs for a frog splash. Juggernaut moves and Rameriz eats the concrete. Back inside, Rameriz avoids a back-body drop onto a chair, but gets his foot caught in it. That’s a good way to get a legitimate broken ankle right there! Bennett stomps on it and goes to the anklelock. He continues to work on the leg, dropping a leg and applying a standing variation of the ankle lock. Ramirez enziguris Bennett to break the hold. They head out to the ramp and Bennett tries a Juggerbomb, reversed into a facejam. Back to the apron, Ramirez belly-to-bellies Bennett through the announcers table. (English announcers, not Spanish! What are the odds?) Ramirez is up at 7 and goes for a tope. Bennett catches him and applies a Juggerack on the outside, then DVD’s him onto the steps. Ramirez gropes for a chair and wallops Bennett no less than ten times. Bennett won’t take the hint and fall over. Rameriz rolls in, and Bennett is counted out. Rameriz retains. Post-match, Bennet juggerbombs Rameriz through the mat. Peru the bodyguard saves Rameriz. (So that’s two tables AND the ring broken in the third match… are we showing our hand too early? Only time will tell.)

*3/4 Nothing-special match with a nothing ending.

-Jason Midnight talks smack while the ring crew repairs the hole in the mat.

Kenjou Kenage vs. Larry Spikowski

Kenage has gone through 3 different gimmicks in as many months, and Spikowksi is older than dirt, so this should be… something. Larry is the second man tonight to be announced as “weight Unknown”… Just buy the damn scales, ya cheap bastards! Kenage is announced as weighing 565 pounds, but gains bonus points for using Verdi as an entrance theme. Nice touch. He introduces “Wolfgang” as his bodyguard. (A recurring theme tonight) A staredown ensues. Kenage pummels Spikowksi all over the ring, splashing him for 2. Kenage misses the FAT-ASS ELBOWDROP and we go to the Chinlock! Kenage powers out with ease. Belly-to-belly. Powerslam. Spinning powerbomb gets a looonnggg 2. Bearhug, Spikowksi rakes the eyes to escape. He hits the Fair Weather Johnson and rolls out. Wolfgang prevents his escape. If he could prevent his blantant Flair impersonation, that would be even better. Kenage rolls Larry in, he rolls out and we have a footrace. The veteran trips Kenage with the steps and chairshots him. Kenage blades. A cover gets 2. Larry lays in some stomps and chops. Kenage fires back with the Hissatu spinning chokeslam. Larry gets a foot on the ropes at 2. Kenage continues to punish Spikowksi with four big moves in a row. He hits the Kashi-Shizuki, (A powerbomb to the floor) drags Larry in and covers. At 2, Kenage lifts Larry up, foreshadowing an upset. Blind charge misses, Larry locks on the Louisville Strangler. Kenage is just TOO DAMN FAT and powers out. He continues to make Spikowski bump like a maniac with a Gorilla Slam, Tombstone and Samoan Drop off the top. Spikowski produces salt from somewhere, (God only knows where he was hiding it) blinds Kenage and gets the cheap 3-count. Nice to see the older guys elevating the young talent like that.

* Predictable as you’d expect. (Right up to the post-match run-in (Juggernaught) and pier 6 brawl.

-Jerry Gordan talks.

Jerry Gordan vs. Tommy Payne

Payne works the crowd for a while. Brief wrestling sequence and we have our first arm-bar of the match. Payne reverses to a waist-lock and works the arm. Shoulderblock and we get the leapfrog sequence. Tommy wins that one with a straight right. Clothesline sends Gordan to the floor. Baseball slide sends him over the guardrail. Payne jumps the rail and helps Gordan up. Then headbutts him. DTA. Kneelift and we return to the ringside area. Paynes’ DDT is reversed to a Northern lights suplex on the floor. Gordan shows off like he’s scored a touchdown on Superbowl Sunday. Back in, flying fistdrop gets an unbelievably long two count. Jerry goes up, stalls, and pays the penalty. Payne siezes the ‘nads and Jerry ends up taking the Flying Flair bump. Payne uses Gordan for a punching bag. Bulldog, and Tommys going up. Swandive headbutt gets the Worlds Longest Two-Count.(Pat. Pending) Crotchshot gains the upper hand for Jerry. Brainbuster gets… wait for it… it’s coming… here it comes… 3! No, no, it’s just Moron-o-Ref blowing another count. It’s 2. Paynes’ suplex is switched to The End. (Gordans Dragon Sleeper) The arm drops twice before Payne hulks up and hits a nice reverse (inverted? I can never tell… I’ll have to ask J. J Boinker…) DDT. Jerry leapfrogs a whip and is caught in Paynes “Bring The Pain” finisher. Bozo the ref counts three… eventually.

*1/4 Looking over this recap, I realise how much of that match was padding. Nothing really happened, and Slappy The Slow-Mo Referee just strung it out. Very old school too…

Despair vs. Tommy Lionheart (Raw Power Title Ladder Match)

Tommy stops to hug his wife on the way down, so Despair runs out and chairshots him. That’s starting things off with a bang. He follows up with a running powerslam onto the ladder that’s at ringside. Ow. He stomps away at Lionheart. For quite some time… then heads inside to set up a ladder. Lionheart crawls to the top and hits a missile drop-kick. Despair takes the hard ride through the Mongolian (Say WHAT?) announce table. Despair finds a sledgehammer (Oh, God, not again!) in the remains of the announce table. (Now there’s a stroke of luck.) They fight over it, Despair lowblows Lionheart and hits him in the ribcage. He raises it high, and Lionheart hits the Ballshot. Sauce for the goose, I suppose. The Mongolian announcer enters the fray, using his sledgehammer on Despair. This is insane, and not in a good way… And then we get tape clipping! Suddenly Tommy’s at the top and hitting his Tommy Dropper. Despair has bladed in the interim. Tommy climbs, Despair slams him off. Despair climbs, Lionheart powerbombs him off. He covers, the crowd counts three. (Hey, they’re faster AND more accurate than the referee.. I say hire ’em!) The count means nothing, naturally. Despair suddenly wakes up and makes Tommy submit to his Human Torment. Lionheart powers out and DVD’s Despair. Fisticuffs, Lionheart runs blindly into the corner. (The same way this match is running blindly down the corridor marked “Comedy Matches”.) Despair hits a running Lyger bomb on to the floor, not to mention a chair. Lionheart blades. Despair climbs the ladder to retrieve the belt. His fall is interrupted with a Diamond-cuttery thing on the way down. And it’s over. No, wait, Lionheart has ONE BIG SPOT left in him. It’s a missile drop-kick onto a ladder lying on top of Despair. Wheee.

Difficult as hell to rate, as the out-and-out comedy didn’t mesh well with the highspots and bladejobs. (I hear RAW uses multiple bookers, which explains the wildly en-even cards.) Let’s be generous and call it *, shall we?)

Vic Valiant vs. Akuma vs. Aaron Iron

It’s a three-way slug-and-chop-fest right out of the gate in this one. Valiant goes for the heel tactics, Iron headbutts him down, then gives Akuma the same. The double noggin-knocker is blocked (awwwww) by Valiant who clotheslines Iron and batters him with fists and bionic elbows. Akuma saves Iron with a nice martial arts kick, then turns on him. Incredible drop-kick and elbow-drop. Iron kicks out. Valiant hits Akuma with a bulldog. More brawling. Iron Press chokeslam drops Vic. Iron turns his attention to Akuma. Neckbreaker. Akuma lays in the chops as Valiant attacks from behind. Iron ducks and Valiant knocks Akuma through the ropes. More brawling before Valiant tosses Iron out as well. Akuma and his manager break the fall nicely. They brawl as Valiant sets up the trainwreck, hitting a flying clothesline over the top. He DDT’s both men on the floor. Blind charge on Iron results in a facebuster on the guardrail. They brawl, with Valiant taking repeated shots to the steel. Akuma has set up a chair inside the ring, as the two fight into the crowd. Cue the ECW-spot, as Akuma hits a crazy springboard senton plancha into the fans. Akuma decies “Sell the bump? Me?” and goes right back to work on VV and Iron. Somersault leg-drop on both men. We return to the apron. Akuma tries another senton from the ring. Iron and Valiant catch him, powerbombing him to the floor. Valiant clotheslines Iron, then heads out to brawl with Akuma. Akuma takes a body-slam onto the arena floor. Valiant works the neck in an ugly fashion, before Iron makes the save. Valiant is back in, bulldog gets 1 for Iron. Rear chin-lock and even the fans are chanting “Rest Hold!” Where were they during Spikowskis’ snooze-fest? Stall, stall, reach rope, side head-lock, Boston crab, reach ropes, tilt-a-whil, backbreaker, take Prozac, feel much happier now. Akuma is finally back up, he brawls with Iron, they end up at the Dutch announcers table. (How many countries are they broadcasting to, anyway?) Akuma hits an enziguri. They struggle to get in the right position for a powerbomb through the table without it looking contrived… unsucessfully, I might add… before Akuma hits the move. Akuma heads back inside and hits a beautiful move on Valiant, a kind of springboard neckbreaker with a half-twist. Nice deep armdrag sends Vic crotch-first into the ringpost. Akuma spots Iron regaining his feet and goes topside. Iron has found a chair and intercepts Akumas’ attempted corkscrew plancha in a hellacious(tm Rosscorp) spot. Iron sets up the chair in the ring. Valiant thumbs him in the eye as Akuma goes up once more, this time nailing Iron with a tornado DDT onto the chair. Iron does a manly bladejob. Valiant finds a chair, Iron retrieves his and they fight a duel with them. kuma manages to rise to his feet right between them, with the expected results. Valiant drops his chair, allowing Iron to hit a vicious running shot. He covers for two, Valiant reaches the ropes. Iron is bleeding a gusher. He brawls with Vic. Vics’ compadres Succubus and Glitteris (I refuse to comment on THAT name) run in. Jason Midnight intercepts them at ringside. Pier Sixe-er breaks out. Akuma launches himself over the top onto the Run-In Squad. From the crowd comes another man, Tonnage who attacks Midnight. Iron has had a past feud with Tonnage, and springboards out to make the save for Midnight. This cues the FIFTH run-in participant, Little Louie. LL and Tonnage beat the hell out of Midnight and Iron, finally tossing Iron back into the ring. Akuma meets him mid-air with a Kamikaze Kick and pins him. Iron is eliminated. Akuma celebrates, so Valiant hits him with the Valiant Awakenings and pins him to win. Akuma and Iron shake hands post-match.

***1/4 A true Sabu match, (Spot, set-up, spot) with the mother of all run-ins, but suprising entertaining. The high point of the show so far.

-John Wiilams Video Package

John Williams vs. Jason Midnight (No DQ or Count-outs)

The stips here were originaly for a Last Man Standing Match. Midnight berates the ring annoucer after the new stips are announced. Williams cheap-shots him and we’re off to the races. Williams has had the foresight to tie a tripwire to the ringpost, and Midnight goes down heavily. Repeated shots with the stairs from Williams. Back in, he tries the one-finger cover. Darius Smooth begins his usual loooooonnngggggg count. It gets 2. Midnight goes upstairs as Williams gloats. Missile drop-kick scores. Midnight sets Williams up on the top buckle and drop-kicks him out of the ring.In a cute spot, Midnight overshoots a springboard plancha and wipes out a technical table, causing the commentary to turn to gibberish. Back inside, Midnight does his Bruce Lee impression, so Williams punches him in the ‘nads. Dragon suplex pin gets a Twenty-Second Two-Count from Smooth. Williams heads out to join the announcers briefly, then returns to hit a Darius Smooth Suplex. (ie. one where he held him up for MONTHS!) It gets 3. (Eventually)

DUD Both men just seemed to forget to do anything in this match. A suplex to finish? Let’s see Midnight live that down…

Andrazoons’ vs. Stevie Midnight/Mystery Partner (Tag Title Match)

Stevie Ray arrives sans partner. Coller-and-elbow, Murdoch rakes Succubus’s eyes to take control early. He drives him across the ring, bulldogs him, then spears Glitteris off the apron. They take out the U.K announce team in the process. (Who have a coloUr commentator, I think. At least ringside doesn’t look so crowded now.) Vic Valiant is also taken out. The Andrazoons valet Tiffany tries to help out, but Li’l Johnny cops a feel. Oh, great, MIDGET MADNESS! Celebrity Skins’ Tripp Shade arrives, and (SWERVE!) immediately turns on Succubus. A legdrop gets 2. The ‘Zoons bail, running directly into Murdochs fan-club, the Looney Bin. More chaos results. One of the Bin heads into the ring. Cue sunglasses, music and a lawsuit as they dance.

Okay, the comedy club is now closed. Don’t forget to tip your waitress on the way out. Shade finally locks up with Succubus. Shade hits an elbow smash and a Fade To Black, his Full Nelson Leg Sweep. Glitteris breaks the count at 2. Everyone hits the ring, while Tiff and Li’l J continue thier antics on the outside. They disappear under the ring. Glitteris hits a rana for 2 on Shade. Small package gets 2. More chaotic brawling, Tiff gets involved, so does Li’l John. Tiff chokeslams the midget through another announce table! (Did Mississipi really NEED their own announcers? This federation needs to cut its overheads!) Shade and Murdoch are tossed, dual topes are launched. Glitteris takes out the announcers from the Caribbean. (Okay, this is just bordering on taking the piss now… And where’s the damn Spanish guys?) Back inside, brainbuster is turned into a DDT by Shade for 2 before Succubus intervenes. The ‘Zoons hit the Urban Decay. Shades kills their finishers heat by kicking out at 2. He makes the hot tag to Murdoch. (A tag? That’s a first in this one!) He cleans house. Succubus returns the favour by kicking out of Murdcochs “Kickstart My Heart” superkick at 2. All four men in again, second verse, same as the first. Valiant gets involved, Murdoch *SIGH* breaks the Iraqi announcers table. (Are they shipping these guys in or something? I’m sure that’s where the Brits were sitting a few minutes ago…) Succubi rolls-up Shade, grabs the tights and this match dies a merciful death.

1/2*. Comedy matches after four-alarm blood-fests. Multiple bookers at work again.

Neil McDougal vs. John Smythe (w/Lolita) North American Title Match (2/3 Submissions, 30 minute time limit.)

The announcers (those that are left) hype this as a potential technical classic. Smythe arrives with a sledgehammer to make a mockery of those words. (ANOTHER SLEDGE? Are wrestling federations buying them by the gross or something?) McDougal has a STEEL STAFF OF DOOM! ( (C) Some imposter of yours truely) He also has an injured shoulder. An actual wrestling sequence to start, with McDougall sliding out of an attempted ankle-lock. Smythe no-sells a spear, and hits a belly-to-back. He works the shoulder with the ARM-bar. McDougall escapes with the Liverpool Kiss (read: Headbutt) but runs into another armbar. McDougall rolls out of a Horseshoe and tries for the St Andrews Cross. Smythe fends him off. Another wrestling sequence, McDougall hits a dragon screw and tries for the Cross once more. His shoulder gives out, Smythe goes for the Horseshoe again. McDougall reverses to a cobra clutch. Smythe tries to power out, but the Flying Scotsman turns it into a suplex variant. He locks on the Cross in the middle and Smythe taps out.

Smythe takes McDougall down to start off the second fall and applies an STF. He also chickenwings the arm. McDougall struggles out, managing to get a desperation kick to break. His blind charge runs him into a full nelson. Smythe hits the Falling Anvils and cinches in a cobra clutch. The ref checks the arm, which falls twice before McDougall Warriors up. (I was bored with Hulks Up, okay?) He takes a nasty-looking drop off the clutch, but bounces up again. Chops are exchanged and Smythe goes to a Gory Special. Mexican strech bomb as we reach the half-way point in the match. McDougall turns it into a brawl, then attempts a suplex. Smythe reverses neatly into a dragon sleeper. He hits an innovative reverse tonado DDT, and bridges up into the sleeper again, drawing the submission from McDougall.

19 minutes have elapsed as Smythe rolls out for a timeout. McDougall recovers and takes to the skies with a huge Scotsensteiner off the top. He finds a wrench under the ring. (At least it wasn’t that damn sledge!) and bops Smythe a few times. Lolita grabs it. McDougall plays face and won’t hit her, grabbing the timekeepers bell and hammer instead. Smythe has wrapped a chain he had secreted beneath the ring around his fist and coldcocks McDougall with it. They brawl out into the crowd. McDougall relieves a fan of his chair and uses it as a shield, then wallops Smythe with three Vile (also TM Rossco) chairshots. He hits a Highland Fling off the U.S announce table . (Yes, they got a second table after having it broken in the Rameriz/Bennett match. It stays intact this time!) With five minutes to go, McDougall applies the Cross. The arm falls twice, Smythe drags McDougall down to the mat to break the cross. Smythe charges into a sunset flip, which McDougall rolls into yet another Cross. Smythe makes the ropes. McDougall drops the head and Smythe hits a Tiger Driver. Smythe rolls out and catches McDougall in a spinebuster as he follws him out. Cloverleaf on the floor. Lolita gets some kicks in as well. McDougall reaches the chain and breaks up the hold. Three minutes to go. McDougall tries the Hitman Ringpost Figure-four, Lolita breaks it up with a well-placed boot. She rolls the Scot back in, Smythe hangs him in the corner and baseball slides into his face. Whip to the corner, backdrop. McDougall lands on the apron. Sunset flip in, Smythe hangs on to the ropes, so McDougall switches to a tarantula. They tease the submission, before Lolita breaks it up again, this time with the chain. With one minute to go, Smythe locks the Horseshoe onto the injured shoulder. He won’t give, and with 30 seconds to go, Lolita sends in chair. Smythe waffles the Scotsman and applies the Horseshoe again. McDougall refuses to quit, and the time limit expires as he passes out. He retains due to the draw.

***** Now THAT’s how we do it. A great storyline told simply and well means the draw wasn’t a cheap cop-out. The new high-spot of the night. Especially since they didn’t use the sledgehammer.

Dieties (w/Apollo) vs. Scum of The Earth

Aries and Mars are the Dieties, Copperhead and Judas Priest are the SoTE. The God of War starts off with JP. Mars gets the advantage with a quick stungun and an elbowdrop but is caught with the HEAVY METAL CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL! Powerbomb, Airies breaks up the count a 2. Oh, great, Darius “Look How Slow My Arm Moves” Smooth is the referee again. Mars leg-sweeps Priest and tags Aries in. Double boot followed by a double clothesline. Some rolling suplexes from Aries. Piledriver and slam. He calls for The Hammer. (His finisher, he’s not asking for Greg Valentine…) Copperhead hits him from behind. Smooth ushers him out, allowing a double-team by The Deities. Double-spinebuster on your Face-In-Peril. Aries hits a release Northern Lights and an Evenflow. Judas fights back with a back suplex. He won’t tag Copperhead, hitting a swinging neckbreaker and middle-rope kneedrop instead. It gets 2. Mars comes in, distracting the ref. Apollo siezes the moment and nails Copperhead with a chair. He continues to pound on him as the Deities hit a double-team chokeslam on Priest. Mars Thesz presses Prist and bulldogs him for 2. Tag to ries, tilt-a-whirl slam and a “Warhammer” pump-handle slam. Superplaes is countered into a face-first suplex off the top. Preist covers for Twwwwooooooooo. (Damn you Smooth, lay off the Valium!) Mars saves and tombstones Priest. The Deities hit the Complete Destruction for the eventual three-count.

* Nothing match. And I have nothing to say about it.

-Post-match, the Deities beat on The Scum. Aries gets my eternal gratitude by hitting Darius Smooth with the Hammer. Okay, it’s now a *3/4 star match. Cops storm the ring, Apollo commits assault on an police officer with a chair. (3 counts) The Deities hit Priest with 3 spiked tombstones onto the chair. Judas blades. A Big-ass Mystery Man makes the save, Copperhead hits a double-chokeslam on both Deities.

Nick “God” Demola (w/woman with large breasts) vs OCD (W/Mike Slater The Chair) (Last Man Standing #1 Contenders Match)

Nick gets his usual 4-minute long Metallica entrance. OCD’s entrance is almost as long. Thank God referee Smooth has been taken out, as a D.S 10-count would take weeks! They brawl on the outside, OCD gets the best of it. He hits a risky-as-hell Gatso Bomb (Think a free-hanging piledriver) onto the ringside steps. Demola is up at 7. He’s bladed early. More brawling, this time inside the ring. Demola levels OC and drops a knee on the back of his neck. He heads out for a chairs as OCD gets up at 5. Three chairshots get 5. Demola taunts OCD and gets potatoed. More brawling. OCD goes for Mike Slater, Demola bails into the crowd. I question Demolas’ deification at this point. OCD catches Demola and unleashes chairshots for Africa on his body. Demola is up at 4, but OCD has found a rivet gun(?) under the ring. This is getting a little ECW-ish. Footrace up into the crowd, then up into the upper tier of seats. Okay, make that a LOT ECW-ish. Demola knocks OCD down a flight of stairs. OCD is moving at 4, Demola kicks him in the neck to send him down again. At 3, OCD lowblows Demola and hits the Descent Into Madness on the arena floor. Demola blades again and is up at 7. OCD finds a video game console (In a sporting arena… likely, no?) and batters Demola with it. He misses with Slater The Spiky Chair, however, and Demiola swipes it. OCD blades off a chairshot. He’s up at 5. OCD bounces the chair off the back of Demolas skull. They head to the balcony. Paging Nu Jack! Mr Nu Jack… it’s your career on line 6! Demola takes a Descent off the balcony onto the floor. Both men are down, so the ref strings out his count… OCD rises at 9, Demola doesn’t. OCD wins.

*1/4 All too familiar… all we needed was the rap soundtrack and a Spike Dudley run-in.

Main Event (World Title Match): “The Corrupter” Douglas McCray vs Eddie “The Drifter” Drysdale

Eddie mocks Douglas’ entrance by introducing him as “Dig Dug”. He’s accompanied by dancing toadstools. Oooo-kay…. Eddie rolls out on a port-o-stage with Neil McDougalls band and sings… only briefly, thankfully. Darius Smooth is back out… I’ll add half a star if one of these guys takes him out. McCray sucker-punches Drysdale before the bell. Drysdale respond by ducking a punch and slapping McCray in the head. McCray is fuming. They lock up, leapfrog sequence, Eddie stops to make faces at McCray. They lock-up again, Eddie tries for a rana, McCray catches him and just dumps him on his head. McCray stomps South of the Border. Blantant choke. Clothesline in the corner hits, but Drysdale turns a blind charge into a press slam onto the buckle. Spinning heel kick in the back adds some impetus. Powerslam gets 2 for Drysdale. A series of elbowdrops from eddie. Neckbreaker. Clothesline turns mcCray inside out. Drysdale plays horsey with McCray (Don’t ask, I just recap these things) before a cradle gets 2. Drysdale drops the head, headscissors takes him down. McCray hiposses Eddie out. Eddie lands by the Iraqi announcers second table of the night and fends off McCray with a seltzer bottle. (Were they making cocktails there?) McCray hits a baseball slide and the Iraqis have their table shattered again. McCray smashes a water jug on Eddie, who blades. Back inside, bely-to-back and Grman suplex gets 2. Piledriver and DDT from McCray. Smooths 2-counts’ are getting long again… Mccray works the neck. Smooth moves in to prevent a choke, resulting in a disagreement with McCray. Eddie recovers, and reverses a whip, monkey-flipping McCray out to the ramp. Eddie hits the 300-pound twisting plancha and both men are down on the floor. They beat the count back in, but with Smooth counting, it wasn’t in much doubt. Drysdale slams mcCray for 2. Belly-to-Belly for 2. McCray bails. Eddietries some sort of somersault dive, resulting in the loss of the Portuguese announcers table. McCray piledrives Drysdale onto the remains of the table. Back inside, Mccray misses the Macho Elbow. McCrays valet Leah Maynard heads out to ringside. McCray hits a DVD for 2. Powerbomb is reversed and Eddie runs McCray into the turnbuckles, gut-first. Sunset flip for 2. McCray hits a belly-to-back. Maynard distracts Smooth as McCray goes for the chair. He leaves it in the corner. Eddie reverses a whip and clotheslines McCray in the corner. Hanging chinlock to bulldog off the top by Drysdale. He hits his “Journeys End” for The Count That Never Ends… Leah distracts Smooth at 2.95! She uses the old feminine wiles on Smooth, drawing Eddie over. McCray takes the advantange and bops Eddie with the chair. Devils Deal on the chair, Smooth turns around and we get a three-count about 30 seconds later. McCray retains.

*3/4 Pretty standard stuff for a main event.

-Post-match, Nice Guy Eddie tells McCray he’s leaving the federation to go into IT. He offers a handshake to McCray. McCray accepts, and is given a Devils Deal instead. Big pop for that one.

-Finally, we get a lengthy (Darius Smooth counting to 100 lengthy) video package of Eddie Drysdales career.

The Bottom Line:

Some good matches here and there, and one classic, but overblown and disjointed as hell. Peaked with the submissions match and then just trailed off into nothing.

Mildly recommended.