Ted Caldweller note: Due to the impending demise of GeoCities, E-Wrestling Torch is proud to repost some classic Schmucks material on our site. Enjoy!
The “Not” Keith SCHMUCKS Retro Rant for WFW’s Resurrection
Well first off today, a Schmucks Update! The site has been hit over 500 times in it’s first month of operation! Not bad seeing as I’ve been relying on word-of-mouth only to publisise TheSchmucks… And no death threats yet! (Hooray!)
The Schmucks message board is up, so if you have an opinion, a rebuttal, or some (constructive) criticism, feel free to hit the board and let me know what you think! (Thanks to Richard Vail, head of “Blood, Sweat and Chairs Wrestling” for the suggestion!)
And now, the latest Retro Rant from TheSchmucks… The debut PPV from the fledgling WFW organisation from Detroit. Xenomorph hired the tapes, I brought the beer… So, on with the show!
-We are live from The Silverdome in Detroit, Michigan. Jimmy “The Mouth” Lang and “Professor” Joe Micheals are your commentators du jour. The hype the World Title tournament. One participant is “The Hooded Mullet”… have they re-packaged Mike Awesome AGAIN?
-Backstage, Sinister arrives. Craig Wallabee risks a beating as he gets a quick interview.
Opeing Bout (Cruiserweight Title Match): Midgie Mullet vs. Richard Ricardo
Ricky Ricardo? He needs a red-headed valet, methinks. Anyway, he gets the Shawn Micheals babyface entrance, despite having Kid Rock for his entrance. (That’s so last year!) Midgie is… a Midget. Oh, joy. Drop-kick to the knee right off from MM. RR catches him off a springboard move and powerslams him for 2. Leg-drop misses. Spear attempt becomes a nutcracking headbutt from MM. L’il FISTS OF FIRE! Standing senton and a Tonado Bulldog gets 2 for Mullet. RR reverses things. DDT from the middle rope scores. Press-slam is reversed into a rana by Mullet-boy. He preens himself, allowing Ricardo to elbow him to the floor. Midgie is rammed into the stairs and tossed back over the top. Either the commentators are on a coffee break, or the audio has gone out at this stage. Chop-block by MM, followed by three points through the uprights. Elbow-drop and top-rope leg-drop follow. Roll-up gets 2 for Ricardo. Blind charge by MM meets the boot. Ricardo biles him across the ring. Baseball slide misses, Ricardo crotches himself. Mullet hits the Flying Mullet. It gets 2. Abrubtly, President Franklin arrives, along with his valet Krista. He proceeds to make himself the third man in an impromptu Triple Threat match. That’s playing the odds, Pres! He hits the ring and a brawl breaks out. Powerslam on Midgie, and a vicious chairshot by Franklin. Franklin Driver onto the chair for 3. And the pres becomes the cruiserweight champion.
* The match was going pretty well, with MIDGET MADNESS at a minimum. And then the dreaded Bookermans’ ending blew the whole thing off. (If I had a dollar for every “president” that won a title in their own federations these days, I’d have… $32.50… one was a tag title, eh?)
World Title Semi-Final: Angel vs. Sinister
Angel has the HHH-ripoff down to a fine art. Not that that’s a GOOD thing. Meanwhile, Sinister is doing Kane. Angel jump-starts things and it’s a pier-sixer. We go to the floor right off the bat with Angel hitting a top-rope axehandle. Brief brawl, back inside. Angel proves his versitility by doing a SCSA-esque mudhole stomp, then a Foley-knee in the corner. Is there no end to the talent(ed people he’s stealing from?). Running clothesline gets 2. Move 189 (Arm-BAR) follows. Sinister makes the ropes. Suplex is blocked and Sinister shoves Angel down. Blind charge meets the boot of Sinster. Sinister is either a great seller, or he’s blown out already, BTW. A series of knees in the corner and hanging suplex get 2 for Sinister. To the floor, brawl, taunt fans, back inside, lowblow, double KO to rest. Brawl, brawl, brawl, insult fans, elbowsmash from Angel, taunt fans, cover. A 2 count. The crowd is dying as we speak. Top-rope clothesline gets a mild reaction and a two-count. Punch, kick, choke, bitchslap. Enthralling stuff. Whip is reversed, Angels cross-body is turned into a back-breaker. More resting. Sinister nails Angel with an elbow, winding himself with this burst of exertion. He rests again. The Warrior Press-slam, thena chokeslam follows from Sinister. A second chokeslam, and Sinister finishes with the Mass Obliteration. Anson Drake runs in immediately and KO’s Sinister with the chair, waking the napping fans. Sinister blades.
DUD Non-stop resting and brawling made for a dull match. Only the fact that Xenomorph was doing MSTK-ish commentary made it bearable. (As WFW’s audio becomes inaudible during the matches themselves.)
-Backstage, Jason Godman interviews Spaz about the Hardcore Title match.
Tag Team Title Match: The Hot Shots vs. The Awesome Ones
The Hots Shots play the faces in this one. Slayer of the Awesome ones is billed at 400-pounds plus. Stalling from the bell, before Crazy Bone and Buff Buckley lock up. Crazy gets the best of the early going, hitting a drop-toehold in the middle of the ring. Punching and kicking leads to a suplex for 2. Clothesline off a whip turns it around for Buff. Another clothesline,and a crisp snap suplex for 2. Tag to Slayer. Slayer slooowly moves in, Crazy hits another drop toe-hold on him. Slayer rises and no-sells three clotheslines. It’s turing into a Lex Luger match with all these clotheslines! Flying forearm sends Slayer to the floor, Crazy tags in Little Bone. He springboards out to hit a forearm smash on Slayer. He doesn’t follow up, and Slayer is back in a 8. Little Bone stomps him and goes topside. Cross-body is caught and turned into a crushing slam for 2 before Crazy breaks it up. Little Bone plays Ri.. no, no he doesn’t, tripping Slayer and making the luke-warm tag to Crazy. Top rop clothesline (MORE clotheslines?) gets 2. Crazy works the knee, then the abs, then the crowd. He cheap-shots Buff and tags Little Bone back in. Broncobuster on Slayer. Then another for kicks. Little Bone seems to be enjoying that move a little too much. Top rope-cross-body is caught, Slayer chokeslams LB. The ref is bumped and it’s KATIE BAR THE DOOR! Cue the run-in from Dan (Not Rob) Van Dam who chairshots Crazy and hits a “Truely Awesome”. Slayer hits the “Slayed” on Li’lBone, DVD wakes up the ref, 3-count, new champs.
*3/4 Nothing overly offensive, but the run-in was fairly pointless… and somewhat predictable.
-Backstage, Sexy Bone is shown, the victim of a DVD attack
World Title Semi-Final: Anson Drake vs. The Hooded Mullet
Anson Drake cuts a promo backstage. It’s not a classic by any standard, I’m afraid. It’s barely coherant. The Mullet gets a fountain of beer in lieu of pyro and has a pre-match entrance involving spousal abuse. ‘Nuff said. Drake beats him from pillar to post. Atomic drop, suplex and elbow-drop gets 2. Mudhole stomp and suplex for 2. Running powerslam for 2. Top rope elbowsmash for 2. Drake hits his finisher, “Suicidal Tendacies”. No cover. The President walks out again as he DDT’s The Mullet. He makes the match no holds barred. Why? Only he knows for sure. Drake goes for a table and superplexes The Mullet through it. Both men lie around selling it as Sinster returns to ringside. He chokeslams Drake, sets up a table and chokeslams both Drake and the Mullet through simultaneously. Sinister leaves, Angel attacks him backstage. They brawl. The two in the ring lie around for an eternity while Angel and Sinister get hardcore on each other. Finally, Drake hits a single chairshot and this mess comes to an end.
-** Wild overbooking strikes again. Was all that really needed to protect The Hooded Mullet? Just squash him and get it over with!
Flaming Table Hardcore Title Match: Spaz vs “Ballistic” Bryan Deas
This should be interesting. The table is set up mid-ring and set aflame before the intros. Deas is intro’d first, and takes the advantage, hiting a no-hands clothesline plancha on Spaz as he arrives. They brawl on the outside, with Deas hitting the first chairshot of the match 20 seconds in. He slams him to the guardrail and uses the steps on him. A table comes out. Deas suplex is blocked and he takes a face-first variant through the wood. Spaz is firat up, and uses the chair on deas. Enter another table. Spaz also tries the suplex, but it’s reversed into a DDT by Deas. Welcome to the Sabu School of Hardcore. Spot, rest, spot. Repeat until Xenomorph falls asleep. And there’s the run-in! It’s Hagi. He tries to chairshot Deas, but the cruel hand of irony interjects and he takes a Van-Deasanotor instead. Deas suplexes Spaz. A second is blocked, Spaz hits a twisting suplex instead. Spaz is first up. He drags Deas down the aisle. Chokeslam on the floor. Hagi and Spaz double-team Deas. King Crusher runs-in.He nails Hagi and chairshots Spaz. Hagi and Crusher brawl backstage. The Hooded Mullet joins in for no readily apparent reason. At ringside, Spaz and Deas wander around randomly for a while, before Deas finds a hockey stick. Then a broomstick. Multiple shots ensue. Into the ring for the first time, they brawl. And brawl. And brawl. Hagi runs-in a second time and powerbombs Deas. Spaz chokeslams him through the table for the title.
DUD Your basic ECW walk-and-brawl. The flaming table was a pointless addition.
-More brawling backstage post-match.
-DVD Interview. He refers to himself as the “Real F’n Deal”. That’s original.
US Title Match: DVD vs Drama
I’ll save the “Save Drama for Ya Mama” jokes for now. DVD has the required singapore cane with him. He gets a quick clothesline and elbow drop. Weak cover for 2. He tries to end it early, but Drama shoves him off and clotheslines him a few times. Slam and elbow drop before he goes for the old “Jump off the top and land on the foot” move. DVD suplexes him and hits a flying elbow for 2. Spinning powerslam from DVD, but another elbow misses. Atomic drop and springboard clothesline gets 2 for Drama. (I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve typed “clothesline” today) Slam and DDT for 2. Running axehandle for 2. Suplex is blocked, DVD hits a snap suplex for 2. Frankensteiner with a delayed cover for 2. Piledriver, DVD goes for the “Truely Awesome” again. Drama powers out again. DVD *copy-paste* clotheslines him. Stinger-ish splash and the Truely Awesome get the 3 for DVD
*1/4 Average Monday Night fare, but nothing too special.
-Backstage, the Prez talks again, making the World Title match a no-rules, falls-count-anywhere affair. The man sure loves his air-time…
World Title Match: Sinister vs. Anson Drake
I could swear Sinisters’ entrance is an edited replay of his earlier match… Rewinding, I discover they are. I guess the production crew blew it on the live telecast. Drake and Sinister meet in the aisle and Brawl-Fest 2001 is officially opened! Lots of punches and guardrail shots. They fight over to a conveniently-loctated table. Drake cant get Sinister up for a suplex, and they brawl some more. More shots into the rails. The dreaded clothesline rears it’s ugly head again. Sinister sets up Drake at the table for something (Commentary would have been nice at this point) but Drake slithers out. He chairshots Sinister, who falls through the table. Brawl, brawl, clothesline, brawl. Sinister has done a wussy bladejob. Drake piledrives Sinister on the ramp. He plays “I-have-you-by-the-hair-so-you-must-follow-me” as they head back to a parking area. Drake drops an axehandle off a cars hood. They head to the locker rooms. Angel walks out of his locker room and starts a brawl with Drake. Must be a territorial thing, I guess. Sinister watches, then chokeslams Angel. Brawl-and-stroll continues as we return to the rampway. Sinister press-slams Drake down the ramp, and heads back for to retreive two tables and a dumpster full o’ stuff. He sets up one and tries something… I honestly couldn’t tell what. He takes a bulldog through the wood instead. SMELL THE IRONY! Rest period, before Drake covers for 2. Drake tosses Sinister off the stage to the floor ina nasty-looking bump, then drops a Foley-esque elbow. The referee takes his sweet time getting there for the 2-count, so Drake wipes him out with the “Suicidal Tendancies”. They head back to the top of the ramp. Sinister is suplexed through the other table. A second ref arrives as the match stalls. Finally, Drake crawls over for the cover. It gets 2. Angel makes yet another appearance, chairshotting Drake and Stunning Sinister. We watch him walk backstage as the Main Event stalls again. Finally, Drake makes it up and finds a fire extinguisher in the dumpster. He belts Sinister, then sets him up for a piledriver. Sinister turns it into the Bigass Bump of the Night, back-dropping him off the stage to the floor. He drags Drake to the ring and rolls him in. The Mass Obliteration is reversed by Drake into a bulldog for 2.9! Ten on the buckle and a *shudder* clothesline in the corner from Drake. Sleeper is applied, but Sinister rams Drake into the buckle to break the hold. The Mass Obliteration is tried again, this time reversed into Fame-asser by Drake. More lying around. Drake makes it up and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Back outside we go. Another table (Because tables=ratings) is set up (Hey, there’s two announcers sitting at a table right there! What’s wrong with that one? A chairshot, and Sinister is on the table. Drake heads topside.. and Angel runs in again! For FUCKS SAKE! Just put the silly son-of-a-bitch in the match next time!
All right, I feel better now… Thanks to beer and Chewable Prozac. Angel hits Drake with the Angel Death Driver and tosses him over the top. Drake lands on Sinister, naturally. Angel leaves again. Good. Sinister is first up. He takes Drake back in and tries the Mass Obliteration one more time. Drake pummels him down to the mat and straddles for an anticlimatic three-count. Sinister beats on Drake after the bell and hits the Mass Obliteration at last… a little late, but the thought was there.
* Just a big, mindless brawl with Angel playing Run-In Man. Some nice spots, but so what?
The Bottom Line: Nothing rose above a 2-star affair for me. Not much to say, really. Thank you, drive through.
Mild recommendation to avoid.