WSE WrestleNymphoMania 69 Report

– OK, today we’re looking at World Sports Entertainment, which is a parody fed. For the uninitiated, parody feds entire existence is usually based on comedy and silly gimmicks above good wrestling, not making for the best matches most times. I’m not exactly sure how I’ll recap WSE in particular because, unlike Brawlers On a Budget, WSE tends to rely on a lot of commentary banter, so I don’t know how much “action” there will be to recap. All I hope is that it’s humorous. To ensure this, I have beer. Lots of cold beer.

– By the by, have YOU voted for the Best of April?

World Sports Entertainment WrestleNymphoMania 69 Report

April 30th, 2009
Nowhere, Oklahoma

– Show opens in front of a packed crowd of starving Africans with some guy named Rat Bore singing “Foreign Country Song for Pride and Honor and Respect and Patriot Being and Happiness for Country” to a montage of humorous clips. “Drunk Ass” Austin Stevens interrupts, hitting a Drunk Ass Drop that decapitates the singer. He drunkenly rants and drinks beer as I drunkenly type and drink b34r. Er, beer.

– Your hosts are numerous and very annoying.

– After a video package, we learn that Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga is sidelined by severe pie crust lacerations. Stung joins us to eventually get interrupted by Cactus ManLove, who challenges him to a six-man tag team table elimination match. Icky gay reference leads to ManLove saying, “Have a nice gay! Damnit, I mean DAY.” Starving Africans then fight over Stung’s pie as Stung gets annoyed with a vulture and plunges “50 feet” to his doom in the ring. Is Stung dead? Find out after the break.

[Commercial break.]

– Yep, he’s dead. We’re then joined by the *sigh* Fag World Order. In breaking news, Stung, not so much dead anymore. A brawl ensues, leading out Wright Angle and Sucka T, and eventually chairman Jack Hoff and his gun. Hoff shoots a round to get their attention. He makes a bunch of matches and changes as I drink beer, hoping the jokes are coming soon. All this stipulation changing is just confusing.

[Commercial break.]

1 – Glass Ceiling Gang (Stung & Wright Angle & Sucka T) vs. Fag World Order (raYne & Big Daddy Queer & The Bad Gay) (WSE Title)

raYne French kisses Stung to kick us off. Is this WARPED Wrestling? Well, it IS warped. Stung low blows his way out of the “submission.” Match breaks down quickly and Cactus ManLove runs in to allegedly be a hero. Ah, he’s ripping off “Softcore” Zak’s old Mr. Jocko gimmick. But we have a swerve, as ManLove hits Crotch in Mouth Disease on raYne, leading to a (sigh) Scorpion Deathdropped by Stung for three. That finisher name must’ve taken all of two seconds to think up.

WINNERS: Glass Ceiling Gang. Confusing, no wrestling to speak of, and not much in the way of comedy. (DUD)

[Commercial break.]

– Breaking news: Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga is here to beat up some queers. Then it’s ANOTHER swerve, as Stung gets attacked. Rocky tosses his elbow pad in the crowd, so the Africans try to eat it. Rocky then morphs into his new gimmick of HollyRock as this unending segment grinds on and on, borrowing very heavily from TNA.

[Commercial break.]

– Joey Tiles (sigh) joins us now as Rex leaves to jerk off.

2 – Tax vs. Sid Viscous (Falls Don’t Count Anywhere Match to unify two titles)

Sid with a punch. A fan tosses Tax a chair, and Sid no-sells a chair shot. Why weren’t the fans trying to eat that chair? Chokeslam by Sid. They brawl outside, and Sid powerbombs Tax through a table. Into the crowd, I’ll let BBQ call this stupidity: “The fans STAB Sid with AIDs soaked, barbedwire wrapped switchblades but he DOESN’T EVEN REACT!” The starving Africans stabbed Sid? OK. And why all the AIDS “jokes” tonight? Sid slams Tax on stairs, but now Tax no-sells. T-bone Taxplex through a burning barbed wire table. Sid again no-sells. They brawl backstage. Well, at least they worked in scissors into a parody Sid match. Sid’s fingers get chopped off, so he knocks out Tax and sews his fingers back on. Brawl heads to the parking lot now where Sid gorilla presses Tax onto a car. Brawl then heads to an Italian restaurant, and Tax wears the “marinara mask.” Sid puts Tax in a refrigerator, then onto a hot plate, then through a kitchen wall. They head to a main street, and Tax gets run over by a bus. Sid stacks up homeless people, then powerbombs Tax off a ladder onto the bums. The brawl heads to a space program facility, and Sid and Tax end up brawling in zero gravity. The brawl then heads to the moon, where Tax finally gets an advantage by suplexing Sid through a three flaming vomit, snot, and steel chair covered tables. BBQ: “THIS MATCH IS RETARDED BY GAWD!” The brawl heads through a worm hole, as they head toward an evil dimension where Tax Taxplexes Sid into a demon’s mouth. Brawl heads back to the moon, with Sid slamming Tax, who then hurtles back to Earth. Sid with a springboard dropkick from the Moon to Earth, nailing Tax. After a long rest, Tax locks in a Katahajime, leading to a count out (FINALLY!).

RESULT: No contest. This match had some pretty funny moments in parodying old Attitude-era hardcore matches in a completely over-the-top way, but also had it’s share of misfires, most notably the AIDS stuff. Terrible wrestling match. (DUD)

3 – Lil’ Fucker & R-Kwik & Afro Wig Cool (w/Spam) vs. Kris Y. Jeriko (Handicap Match)

KYJ backdrops R-Kwik onto Spam on the floor, then stuff AWC into Lil’ Fucker’s throat, killing Fucker. Zuh? And Fucker swallows AWC. Spam gets involved, but KYJ with a Choad Breaker. KYJ then connects with a pair of powerbombs on R-Kwik for the three.

WINNER: Boring, short match match. But at this rating, it is your match of the night so far! (1/4*)

– Post-match, Rex returns, gets rid of Tiles, and Tax quits. Tax is quickly eaten by the Africans. Then BBQ returns. There is so much pointless stuff going on here.

4 – Sanity No Marella & Man Woman vs. “Drunk Ass” Austin Stevens

Drunk Ass Drop gets three. Post-match, he issues an open challenge to anyone who wants his Applecore Title. “An’ THAT’s the fine wine, cuz Drunk Ass is drunk off his ass!”

WINNER: “Drunk Ass” Austin Stevens. (NA)

[Commercial break.]

5 – SuperGuyManDudePerson vs. Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead vs. The Brown Ranger vs. Viruz vs. Mr. E vs. Zorlax Firling vs. Kruzifix vs. “Secret Agent” Double-Oh Zero (Let’s Rob a Bank Match)

The stips involve a robbery at a bank, a vault, a combination, a human ladder, and a mini-vault. Breaking news…Rat Bore? Not so dead anymore. Umm…a bunch of bad acting and random silliness leads to impromptu match between Rat Bore and security guards. WSE should change its name to ADD with all the jumping around it does. A couple people literally get squashed. And I’m waiting for something to happen when…

[Commercial break.]

Bank vault brawling. Throw back a bottle of beer. Bank vault brawling. Pull a comb through your coal black hair. Announcers are either blabbering over all the action, which is pretty snooze worthy thus far, or dead silent. Very odd. ATM machines are broken. Mr. E gets German suplexed into a payphone. Viruz connects with a flying somersault on Jippy. Too many people, too much random stuff happening, including Zero eating an ass-flavored ham sandwich. Everyone fights for a combination now. I drink more, as nothing here to recap. We eventually get a human ladder and Viruz grabs the mini-vault for the win.

WINNER: Viruz. Painfully bad to watch and listen to. (-*)

[Commercial break.]

6 – Underbaker vs. Headache Kid (Four Stacked Cages Match)

I need to know who’s bankrolling this bloated roster and all these props. A sadist? Rex scores with a random, “Cannibalism for pedophiles!” line. And who wouldn’t buy a Hannah Montana vaginal thermometer? What? Hannah’s not included? Awww! Whoa. Wrestling to start! I nearly fell out of my chair! Announcers again do the blabber mindlessly or are completely silent bit. These commentators need to either call the action or shut the fuck up completely with the dialogue tonight. Baker works Kid’s arm. Kid comes back with a slap and eye poke. Baker runs into two feet, then takes a reverse DDT. Kid gets caught and Cake Walked (Last Ride) to the floor. They both climb up to cell two, but as Baker tries to get to the third cell, Kid shakes the ladder and Baker goes through a table. Kid gets up to the third level, then loses a ladder trying to get up to the fourth layer. Meanwhile, Baker gets up to the third level. Suddenly, somebody named Klown is in the match, and tries for a Pie to the Face, but Baker ducks and nails a diving clothesline on Klown. Head Trauma (superkick) to a chair by Kid takes Baker down. After some chair shots, Baker punches through the chair and KOs Kid. Baker reaches the top cell, filled with baked goods. Announcers are like ear rape at this point. Kid then takes a chokeslam (hopefully through the use of CGI) 100 feet down through “50 flaming tables”. Kid is dead.

WINNER: Underbaker via killing Kid. Um. Match got too big for its own good. For the actual wrestling at the start, I’ll give this my new highest rating of the night, as I question my sanity. (1/2*)

[Commercial break.]

7 – Triple S vs. Retard Orton

OK, so by now if I haven’t made it clear, this show is an attempted parody of Wrestlemania 25. Right here is in a nut shell, everything that’s wrong with the show: “Face it, the ONLY reason we’re even doing this match is because of Triple H vs. the OTHER Orton.” More on this in final thoughts. Even the announcers, while trying to be self-deprecating, end up speaking the truth about how bad the show is. So, this match is happening at a house, referencing a WWE angle. Again. SSS spinebusters Orton on the lawn. For those who care, Mr. Fantastic, Jerri Li, and Kevin the Pyromaniac from Brawlers On a Budget make cameos in this match, providing my only fleeting enjoyment. SSS DDTs Orton. Both get squashed by a semi for the sportz entertainment finish. More beer needed.

WINNER: Nobody. (-***)

– A tribute to Triple S and Orton is shown.

[Commercial break.]

8 – MAIN EVENT (30 Minutes Of Ted’s Own Personal Hell Match)

Redd W. Bloo and Goo the Adventurer start, and I’m now watching this on mute because even I have my limits. I may send this DVD to the CIA for consideration of an “enhanced interrogation” method. John Semen is next. He pins Bloo with an Attitude Adjuster (nee FU). Big Ho is out next. Then Nicky Mowse comes out. Ho pins Semen with a chokeslam. Chicken is out next and Ho lays down for him. Semen pins Bloo with a shitty rollup. WSE mercifully cuts off 10 minutes, and Viruz sneaks in to win the title right at the end.

WINNER: Viruz. Ted angry. (DUD)

– More boring shit happens. I break the DVD, take it to the bathroom, and take a dump on it. Flush. Goodbye, WSE.

Final thoughts: So, WSE invested no time in building up any angles of their own. They just watched the WWE and TNA, threw a bunch of stuff into a blender, added some ADD, random “jokes” pushing the limits of bad taste, stunts, special effects, and voila. Your show. There are a few chuckles to be found here, but the reliance seems to be on making exact replicas of existing wrestlers and hoping that those references are enough to make people watch and laugh. For some, it might work. But for me, it was like watching “Date Movie” or “Epic Movie.” You sit through it, waiting for the jokes that just never come. Thumbs down.